Sunday, January 6, 2008
Dinner tonight with my family was really great, I don;t know why, but everyone;s mood was seemingly perfect . Even though it seemed to be a simple dinner, It seemed almost perfect.At least to me : ) Love having sisters.
I spent about two hours talking to a friend/acquaintance of mine. It was fun to sit and just listen and be heard. I was feeling really tired, and yet i don;t know why i kept on thinking/ was set thinking, even after the conversation.
To remind myself, the tone now is serious, sarcastic, solemn, i don;t know. just no t really the happy clappy or what so ever for now.
you know, honestly ,these few days, it;s been really difficult for me. Especially recently, I;ve been struggling with thoughts of the future, i think the only word which can describe how i really feel is insecurity. I;m so indecisive,, i don;t know what to do. so so insecure,,i think about my own abilities and i feel so limited. I think about the things i do and i feel so incompetent. You know, i am also thinking of changing my church. They always say that if you plant yourself in a church, you should stay there, but there are so many things i am considering about,! Like,, for example, i;ve been in this church for 3 years or so and i still don;t really feel part of it. Strange huh . After i was partially "threatened" that i would lose a friend cos i was curious about something, i actually felt like i was choking tears. Was it because ,one friend is all i have in such a big church like this? Sorry if i sound so negative@@ but then its driving me nuts,@!i wish i could stop thinking and feeling sometimes,, some days i wish i could just cut out my brain and heart and wash it .
stupid, if only i was more decisive like my Sisters.
Save me,,
My best friend says that i should trust Him. But sometimes i don;t even feel like i know my best friend altogether. Sometimes i feel like i am making what he feels up.When i do things, my best friends always come into my mind, and i always wonder what my best friends would think of me if i did something. Sometimes i feel like i am doing something to look good, makes me feel like a damned hypocrite. Sometimes the things i know about my best friend seems to be second hand information, like someone else has to tell me about it, and then i know. My best friend never seems to want to see me, i always try initiating , but,,, i feel like i am always receiving a cold shoulder.
My other best friend says that i should focus. He;s really nice to me, but then i know that he doesn;t know me well altogether. Neither do i .Thats the sad thing. I get a little upset when besties forget some things you say to them. sadly some of them don;t even make it a point to remember some of the things which you deem as important .. : (
My other good friend says that we are not as close, but when i saw my good friend, my good friend didn;t even seem happy to see me, even after not seeing each other for ages, good friend didn;t seem to care. Only talking to someone else they;ve already met a minute ago, : ( Am i too oversensitive? yes. But good friend;s body language showed me that goodfriend was disinterested in my existence there. good friend didn;t even face me to drop a hello.
You know, for me, i pay attention to the things that people say. I can remember the things that people tell me, Especially if they are sensitive issues. The sad thing is that people always come back asking the same thing. You know how it feels like sometimes? It feels like the other does not even find the importance of you telling them what you told them.Like what i say is not even important.
Why am i so different everywhere i am, When i am in church, in school, wheresoever.. Actually, i think i am different around different people. In church, i am a quiet introvert. In school i am a noisy annoying extrovert. At home, i am a frickin loner who talks to herself and gets really angst filled and angry with herself. With my family, i am like a happy noisy annoying girl who apparently gives them the "i am a shrieker and da jin xiao guai " feel. With people whom i feel that needs positivity or just happy clappy people, i am a hyperactive,childish and nice person who talks like THIS~~!~!!~!~~~~ ^_^. With new people, i act like i am some idiot talk with the world;s strangest and most annoying slang.Sometimes , With new people, depending on where i am, i act like some serious cat who refuses to talk. With the studious, i watch my language and make sure i do not make any error with my speech. With myself, i guess i ill-treat myself. Whatever, so on so fourth, With every situation,i feel like a whole other 1/100000000 of me comes out.
I really wish to establish a solid identity of my own. Does doing "This~~!~!@!~! kkkk" really make me who i am? No, i don;t think so! I don;t think it;s me, and from today onwards, i think i will reduce This!~~!~, Though i do think that it makes messages feel seemingly cold and just,, plain cold. But then if it makes people view me more seriously, then i think i will stop it.
Who ever asks me " what if you are not happy with the plan". No, they don;t bother , they only bother about the other person who is around,
, " i am afraid that X is tired". Who cares if i am tired? nobody.
so what if i placed my unhappiness here ? Do people actually bother to make the first move to improve the relationship? no, they only want to make it seem that i was the one who is overacting and being oversensitive. That;s not what i want, i just want people to be more aware of the things they see around them and then be more sensitive to the needs of others. You do not always have to get down to the root of Every complaint or thing or unhappiness, Sometimes you just have to move on from there and just make things better.
When your tree is growing crooked, you do not pluck it from the root and replant it so that it grows straight right? perhaps you work on it from the state it is in and then you tie some stick or something so that it will start to grow straight from there. Isn;t it ?
i;m so selfish ain;t i? keep on talking about myself. I I I .,, . .
I am giving myself three weeks, three weeks to get myself into the studying shape and three weeks to shed off that abhorrent weight i gained over the holidays and exams.Three weeks to figure out my Church problems, Three weeks to figure out my identity problems. Going to lay off the internet During weekdays .Altogether fifteen minutes for five days is my limit.
i hope that i can improve my situation
나는 정말 이상해요,,,,,,,
-0-.힘내자,,화이팅@!
I spent about two hours talking to a friend/acquaintance of mine. It was fun to sit and just listen and be heard. I was feeling really tired, and yet i don;t know why i kept on thinking/ was set thinking, even after the conversation.
To remind myself, the tone now is serious, sarcastic, solemn, i don;t know. just no t really the happy clappy or what so ever for now.
you know, honestly ,these few days, it;s been really difficult for me. Especially recently, I;ve been struggling with thoughts of the future, i think the only word which can describe how i really feel is insecurity. I;m so indecisive,, i don;t know what to do. so so insecure,,i think about my own abilities and i feel so limited. I think about the things i do and i feel so incompetent. You know, i am also thinking of changing my church. They always say that if you plant yourself in a church, you should stay there, but there are so many things i am considering about,! Like,, for example, i;ve been in this church for 3 years or so and i still don;t really feel part of it. Strange huh . After i was partially "threatened" that i would lose a friend cos i was curious about something, i actually felt like i was choking tears. Was it because ,one friend is all i have in such a big church like this? Sorry if i sound so negative@@ but then its driving me nuts,@!i wish i could stop thinking and feeling sometimes,, some days i wish i could just cut out my brain and heart and wash it .
stupid, if only i was more decisive like my Sisters.
Save me,,
My best friend says that i should trust Him. But sometimes i don;t even feel like i know my best friend altogether. Sometimes i feel like i am making what he feels up.When i do things, my best friends always come into my mind, and i always wonder what my best friends would think of me if i did something. Sometimes i feel like i am doing something to look good, makes me feel like a damned hypocrite. Sometimes the things i know about my best friend seems to be second hand information, like someone else has to tell me about it, and then i know. My best friend never seems to want to see me, i always try initiating , but,,, i feel like i am always receiving a cold shoulder.
My other best friend says that i should focus. He;s really nice to me, but then i know that he doesn;t know me well altogether. Neither do i .Thats the sad thing. I get a little upset when besties forget some things you say to them. sadly some of them don;t even make it a point to remember some of the things which you deem as important .. : (
My other good friend says that we are not as close, but when i saw my good friend, my good friend didn;t even seem happy to see me, even after not seeing each other for ages, good friend didn;t seem to care. Only talking to someone else they;ve already met a minute ago, : ( Am i too oversensitive? yes. But good friend;s body language showed me that goodfriend was disinterested in my existence there. good friend didn;t even face me to drop a hello.
You know, for me, i pay attention to the things that people say. I can remember the things that people tell me, Especially if they are sensitive issues. The sad thing is that people always come back asking the same thing. You know how it feels like sometimes? It feels like the other does not even find the importance of you telling them what you told them.Like what i say is not even important.
Why am i so different everywhere i am, When i am in church, in school, wheresoever.. Actually, i think i am different around different people. In church, i am a quiet introvert. In school i am a noisy annoying extrovert. At home, i am a frickin loner who talks to herself and gets really angst filled and angry with herself. With my family, i am like a happy noisy annoying girl who apparently gives them the "i am a shrieker and da jin xiao guai " feel. With people whom i feel that needs positivity or just happy clappy people, i am a hyperactive,childish and nice person who talks like THIS~~!~!!~!~~~~ ^_^. With new people, i act like i am some idiot talk with the world;s strangest and most annoying slang.Sometimes , With new people, depending on where i am, i act like some serious cat who refuses to talk. With the studious, i watch my language and make sure i do not make any error with my speech. With myself, i guess i ill-treat myself. Whatever, so on so fourth, With every situation,i feel like a whole other 1/100000000 of me comes out.
I really wish to establish a solid identity of my own. Does doing "This~~!~!@!~! kkkk" really make me who i am? No, i don;t think so! I don;t think it;s me, and from today onwards, i think i will reduce This!~~!~, Though i do think that it makes messages feel seemingly cold and just,, plain cold. But then if it makes people view me more seriously, then i think i will stop it.
Who ever asks me " what if you are not happy with the plan". No, they don;t bother , they only bother about the other person who is around,
, " i am afraid that X is tired". Who cares if i am tired? nobody.
so what if i placed my unhappiness here ? Do people actually bother to make the first move to improve the relationship? no, they only want to make it seem that i was the one who is overacting and being oversensitive. That;s not what i want, i just want people to be more aware of the things they see around them and then be more sensitive to the needs of others. You do not always have to get down to the root of Every complaint or thing or unhappiness, Sometimes you just have to move on from there and just make things better.
When your tree is growing crooked, you do not pluck it from the root and replant it so that it grows straight right? perhaps you work on it from the state it is in and then you tie some stick or something so that it will start to grow straight from there. Isn;t it ?
i;m so selfish ain;t i? keep on talking about myself. I I I .,, . .
I am giving myself three weeks, three weeks to get myself into the studying shape and three weeks to shed off that abhorrent weight i gained over the holidays and exams.Three weeks to figure out my Church problems, Three weeks to figure out my identity problems. Going to lay off the internet During weekdays .Altogether fifteen minutes for five days is my limit.
i hope that i can improve my situation
나는 정말 이상해요,,,,,,,
-0-.힘내자,,화이팅@!
Labels: About me
what we could have been, 7:03 AM.
