Sunday, August 31, 2008
this is the beginning of one of my longest posts ever,,,,
begin it shortly.
being the skeptic, i ask ask ask ask and question.
before i begin, i wanna say that
i;m just, oh wait, RANting ?
i am not saying that what people do is wrong.
i can;t judge right.?
its just that i am disagreeable with something..
anyways.
i feel rebellious,
some days i feel like saying Foff to everything,
some days i feel so arguable, some days i feel like rebelling against my parents
someday i wanna scream , give an answer that is exactly what you wouldn;t want to hear!!
some times i wannt purposely be really difficult towards everyone else
some days i just feel like rebelling
i wonder if its just the real character hidden deep within,
or it is just that, for once , you want to feel like you really exist,
cause some friction , for once just know again that you can hurt some one ,
just to know that you can affect someone,just to know that you exist, simply for the sake of knowing the significance of your existence.
i don;t think i am that good girl you think i am
daddy please don;t be so nice to me ,
i don;t have the values my sisters have
the ones that you grounded into them.
the ones that you always scold them if they don;t seem to possess it.
i don;t have the things you claim that are important in your eyes.
i am not how you taught my sisters to be
i am not like that,
i am nothing close to it,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
but why do we do something we do, even though we don;t mean it.
the act of greeting others happily, why ?
we make an effort, we want things to function normally,
its something "normal" to do.
or ,,, just to fulfill " it should be this way"
but when we feel like we don;t do it with sincerity,
then we label it as " being fake"
-_-
sometimes i feel like a robot,
sometimes its because, " this means that"
if you are carrying out this action, it means respect
or if you are doing this, it means that you are __
i wish i could inject more feelings into my actions.
and not be so .. so . . . mechanical .. . .
i wish i had some feelings when i did them,
mom calls to scold in the middle of the night,
why are you not home yet?
she complains of a headache.
i become irritated that she;s scolding me
why can;t she just let me spend my time as i wish ?? its been a long time since i;ve actually BEEN out.
so wait, i SHOULD be concerned about the headache and that SHE;s still worrying about my return,
but no ,i choose to become irritated that she;s screaming her head off at me, and yes, i argued with her for screaming at me ,
i want to rebel, i really do, i really really really do.
what we SHOULD do? and what we choose to do ??
which to choose?
first instincts............................. ? ? ?
my first instincts seem to be damn screwed up,
i really want my first instinct to be TO CARE ,.. .. . .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
no wait mom,
stop nagging at me,
its my holidays,
i spend it however i want to!
i know when to study and i always study.
whenever i study like nuts, you are never present
when i take a breather., you relentlessly tell me to "go and study"
please stop nagging at me ?
just because i face the comp when you are at home, and refuse to let you know what i am doing.
it does not mean that i am not studying
or oh it does not mean that i am NOT spending this holiday fruitfully
please PLEASE stop telling me that " OH YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING IN THIS HOLIDAY"
yeah ! i do !! i do study! i really do study in this holiday.
are you angry that i am spending time with the computer instead of with you?
whenever you think i am talking to someone else online, you get irritated and immediately ask me to go and study.
when i talk on the phone, you tell me to get off and study
why is it everytime i am actually talking to SOMEONE ELSE. or with someone else, or just seemingly having a relationship with someone , you are not happy?
is it that seemingly you are the only person in my life, that you are glad?
but whenever i talk to you,
you take the defensive role,
you don;t seem to want to engage with me ?
i don;t understand
i am responsible for my grades
i am self disciplined enough to study at my own pace
when i say i will improve, i do right?
when i say i will score the A;s , i do!
i kept my promises!
no mom, can you stop telling me to study.
when is studying in front of your face ENOUGH?
you;re reason for NAGGING is always
" so you get a good job next time .. blah blah .. you won;t suffer like me .. blah blah blah "
but huh, in the first place, even people who have a good occupation or Do what they like have to suffer some way or another right, just tough times for ever single person.
and yes! even though i play much, i don;t have the intention of JEOPARDIZING my future one bit.
when i study like crazy until i break down and cry like nuts
you keep questioning me WHY ARE YOU CRYING
and when i ask you to stop asking me,
you keep asking the same blimming question.
when i finally give a firm " STOP ASKING ME "
you get REALLY ANGRY.. . . .. . and storm out of the room, saying that YOU ARE just concerned about me .
and dad,
why is it that if i seek help with TUITION , its wrong?
i promise that i will improve with tuition
so what if other people do not need tuition
having tuition does not mean that we are weak
in fact, having tuition broadens my understanding,
we know more about the world, how things are applied.
so much fascinating things that i;ve never known.
why can;t having tuition for a certain subject mean that i am wanting to find out more about what i love?
yeah i love physics! i really want to find out more !! much much more!@
and even though tuition is damn expensive, but then its not like i waste my time there!
where;s encouragement when you need it .
everyone;s always tell you to run faster,
instead of " well done. that was a good run"
===================================================================
why when i got a life,
when i went to church
and when i had a healthy spiritual life,
everyone in the family decides to DISAGREE
call me pious, whatever
nag and whatever
nag at me and say " YOU SHOULD BE SPENDING YOUR SATURDAYS / SUNDAYS TO BE STUDYING MORE "
nope, and right now when the whole family attends church.
and then when i stop going!
you still say the same thing.
" go and study lah!!!"
when my spiritual life is crashing down like. i don;t know,
thank you for NOT TRYING to help me
and thank you for nagging at me again saying
you should be studying
always say you are lonely.
when i give you company, you are never satisfied.
when i actually get a life, when i learn to embrace spirituality, go out with some friends, or have something to do other than studying ,
you always get upset.
upset that you are alone on this very day.
upset about this and that .
and then OH
when i go back to church again, you get really angry with me when i got home late, and oh
" what kind of church is this ? ? ? "
why are you not happy with me for actually looking for some spiritual home
i know what you mean when you were worried
i was also worried when you came home late
when you had a new friend, and spent all night with her.
you didn;t give me the chance to be angry with you for making me worry.
you simply brushed if off by saying that " i was out with a friend"
so why can;t i do that too ?
===================================================================
why are we so lost in this world where you create profiles of yourself online
the place where you pour yourselves out more freely than before
why do we feel more lost than before,
why is it that even though we are so easily connected,
why are we less connected than before?
we are so available on our cellphones, yet we choose to remain unavailable most of the time.
thing is, we become unavailable to others, and just make yourself available at your own disposal.
but can;t you see that others need you. ?
we all just want to feel important ,
but what is the sole purpose
just to be part of something
or just to hope one day you will be found ?
or just biting into a slice of virtual existence, HOPING deeply to belong
==============================================================
why is it when you speak, you don;t care about what others are saying. ?
we ask a question and we don;t care about their answer
or,,
we ignore them and then question the same question the person was previously addressing.
A says " i think something happened to C, i called her a dozen times and she didn;t pick up "
B, Completely ignoring A, then complains " wahlao, shes super irresponsible can,,always like that, want to call her cannot call her ......blah blah blah"
same things happen during lessons,
our teachers relentlessly tries to get their voice across the chattering class and after that tireless one way convo, someone ELSE asks the exact same question.
you are happy to know that people are interested in your life
you created a web to share your experiences.
but you didn;t bother to find out what others are experiencing.
no, why don;t you want to hear?
why do you want to be heard and not hear
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when i see you, i long for you to stay a little bit longer.
i want to know how you are, or simply be part of what you are doing.
you wouldn't mind just delaying just a little bit for me ?
but, yep, you mind , say " i needa go home, bye!"
couldn;t you inconvenience yourself just one time and go the long route with me?
nope., rush rush rush, we must , we rush.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
why do you care about what people think about what you wear
or how you wear your hair
who cares about giant legs or scared hands,
wear that egyptian looking head band , that hippies shirt,
the cheerleader ponytail that you adore
if you are ok with it, then who cares about what others think ? ?
eventually , whatever you wear , or however you do things,
people do not care
to a person , they think they own the nicest shirt in the world
or OH THE MOST EXPENSIVE LOOKING shirt you have with the cheapest buy.
someone else thinks that they have something that;s better than what you have.
no matter what you wear, what you own, what you have, what you achieved,
theres bound to be someone who would think that they have something better, look better, own something better.
why should you be so conscious about what others say about you, especially your outer appearance ? just wear whatever you want, what you feel most comfortable with ! caring so much about what others may think just makes you suppress your true self.
but why do we FEEL like we care about what others think. ? because we are humans? or we are just "striving" to impress. kkk,,
seriously. others do not care.
yep . they don;t care
they only care when they have the time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
everything dies.
we go online today,
we have an awesome convo,
or we wait for someone else to initiate
but when someone else does,
sometimes we don;t bother to participate .
we talked today,
you forget what you said,
we remember it clearly.
then whats the point........don;t invest time in such things lah.
lol. sadly, its addictive.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
we want to find some purpose of existing .
just to feel alive
quit rushing, quite racing time,
you control what you are doing with your time.
can you just stop and look around you?
things become so one way ,, why
"i busy what," or " it doesn;t interest me so what for",
just becoming individualistic? Selfish ? self centered? Bored?
oh wait, famously " BUSY!"
i don;t know what your reason is ........ i don;t know.. . . .
perhaps everyone does not feel this way,.
perhaps people do feel like the belong and all that
its fine,
is the answer choice? we choose to be like that. we choose to remain unavailable, we choose to be noticed instead of noticing. ? we choose ? or are we just sick of what;s happening that we disconnect ourselves?
perhaps we are too cautious or careful to invest in the right friendships,
the right people, the right thing , the right this the right that ,, the right blah ,, so much that we completely disconnect ourselves.
perhaps its just me who is causing all this upon myself.
perhaps i;m just refusing to believe that what i am doing is wrong
perhaps what i am doing is so lao gu dong,
perhaps i;m not staying relevant
perhaps i;m just not likable
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
perhaps part of turning eighteen makes me wonder too much about what i have done with my life.
nope. i;ve never thought of
" I'M BECOMING LEGAL!! "
legal to drive.. legal to drink?
"OH !!!! I CAN CLUB LEGALLY!!!"
-_-
i don;t care about all those.
its ok if the seven eleven guy asks me for my IC when i purchase a jolly shandy that is,, OH! less than 0.5% alcohol,and then forbid me to step out of the store with it,, kkk its fine with me! i;m not eager to grow up.
its ok to take a salt or pepper shaker and then go " bang bang!!",, just one;s way of amusing oneself.
theres so much i have yet to be done before turning older,,
like .. some identity
perhaps its just that i am still looking for belonging
perhaps its because i;ve not found myself yet
theres so much to find out
so much to be done
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
begin it shortly.
being the skeptic, i ask ask ask ask and question.
before i begin, i wanna say that
i;m just, oh wait, RANting ?
i am not saying that what people do is wrong.
i can;t judge right.?
its just that i am disagreeable with something..
anyways.
i feel rebellious,
some days i feel like saying Foff to everything,
some days i feel so arguable, some days i feel like rebelling against my parents
someday i wanna scream , give an answer that is exactly what you wouldn;t want to hear!!
some times i wannt purposely be really difficult towards everyone else
some days i just feel like rebelling
i wonder if its just the real character hidden deep within,
or it is just that, for once , you want to feel like you really exist,
cause some friction , for once just know again that you can hurt some one ,
just to know that you can affect someone,just to know that you exist, simply for the sake of knowing the significance of your existence.
i don;t think i am that good girl you think i am
daddy please don;t be so nice to me ,
i don;t have the values my sisters have
the ones that you grounded into them.
the ones that you always scold them if they don;t seem to possess it.
i don;t have the things you claim that are important in your eyes.
i am not how you taught my sisters to be
i am not like that,
i am nothing close to it,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
but why do we do something we do, even though we don;t mean it.
the act of greeting others happily, why ?
we make an effort, we want things to function normally,
its something "normal" to do.
or ,,, just to fulfill " it should be this way"
but when we feel like we don;t do it with sincerity,
then we label it as " being fake"
-_-
sometimes i feel like a robot,
sometimes its because, " this means that"
if you are carrying out this action, it means respect
or if you are doing this, it means that you are __
i wish i could inject more feelings into my actions.
and not be so .. so . . . mechanical .. . .
i wish i had some feelings when i did them,
mom calls to scold in the middle of the night,
why are you not home yet?
she complains of a headache.
i become irritated that she;s scolding me
why can;t she just let me spend my time as i wish ?? its been a long time since i;ve actually BEEN out.
so wait, i SHOULD be concerned about the headache and that SHE;s still worrying about my return,
but no ,i choose to become irritated that she;s screaming her head off at me, and yes, i argued with her for screaming at me ,
i want to rebel, i really do, i really really really do.
what we SHOULD do? and what we choose to do ??
which to choose?
first instincts............................. ? ? ?
my first instincts seem to be damn screwed up,
i really want my first instinct to be TO CARE ,.. .. . .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
no wait mom,
stop nagging at me,
its my holidays,
i spend it however i want to!
i know when to study and i always study.
whenever i study like nuts, you are never present
when i take a breather., you relentlessly tell me to "go and study"
please stop nagging at me ?
just because i face the comp when you are at home, and refuse to let you know what i am doing.
it does not mean that i am not studying
or oh it does not mean that i am NOT spending this holiday fruitfully
please PLEASE stop telling me that " OH YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING IN THIS HOLIDAY"
yeah ! i do !! i do study! i really do study in this holiday.
are you angry that i am spending time with the computer instead of with you?
whenever you think i am talking to someone else online, you get irritated and immediately ask me to go and study.
when i talk on the phone, you tell me to get off and study
why is it everytime i am actually talking to SOMEONE ELSE. or with someone else, or just seemingly having a relationship with someone , you are not happy?
is it that seemingly you are the only person in my life, that you are glad?
but whenever i talk to you,
you take the defensive role,
you don;t seem to want to engage with me ?
i don;t understand
i am responsible for my grades
i am self disciplined enough to study at my own pace
when i say i will improve, i do right?
when i say i will score the A;s , i do!
i kept my promises!
no mom, can you stop telling me to study.
when is studying in front of your face ENOUGH?
you;re reason for NAGGING is always
" so you get a good job next time .. blah blah .. you won;t suffer like me .. blah blah blah "
but huh, in the first place, even people who have a good occupation or Do what they like have to suffer some way or another right, just tough times for ever single person.
and yes! even though i play much, i don;t have the intention of JEOPARDIZING my future one bit.
when i study like crazy until i break down and cry like nuts
you keep questioning me WHY ARE YOU CRYING
and when i ask you to stop asking me,
you keep asking the same blimming question.
when i finally give a firm " STOP ASKING ME "
you get REALLY ANGRY.. . . .. . and storm out of the room, saying that YOU ARE just concerned about me .
and dad,
why is it that if i seek help with TUITION , its wrong?
i promise that i will improve with tuition
so what if other people do not need tuition
having tuition does not mean that we are weak
in fact, having tuition broadens my understanding,
we know more about the world, how things are applied.
so much fascinating things that i;ve never known.
why can;t having tuition for a certain subject mean that i am wanting to find out more about what i love?
yeah i love physics! i really want to find out more !! much much more!@
and even though tuition is damn expensive, but then its not like i waste my time there!
where;s encouragement when you need it .
everyone;s always tell you to run faster,
instead of " well done. that was a good run"
===================================================================
why when i got a life,
when i went to church
and when i had a healthy spiritual life,
everyone in the family decides to DISAGREE
call me pious, whatever
nag and whatever
nag at me and say " YOU SHOULD BE SPENDING YOUR SATURDAYS / SUNDAYS TO BE STUDYING MORE "
nope, and right now when the whole family attends church.
and then when i stop going!
you still say the same thing.
" go and study lah!!!"
when my spiritual life is crashing down like. i don;t know,
thank you for NOT TRYING to help me
and thank you for nagging at me again saying
you should be studying
always say you are lonely.
when i give you company, you are never satisfied.
when i actually get a life, when i learn to embrace spirituality, go out with some friends, or have something to do other than studying ,
you always get upset.
upset that you are alone on this very day.
upset about this and that .
and then OH
when i go back to church again, you get really angry with me when i got home late, and oh
" what kind of church is this ? ? ? "
why are you not happy with me for actually looking for some spiritual home
i know what you mean when you were worried
i was also worried when you came home late
when you had a new friend, and spent all night with her.
you didn;t give me the chance to be angry with you for making me worry.
you simply brushed if off by saying that " i was out with a friend"
so why can;t i do that too ?
===================================================================
why are we so lost in this world where you create profiles of yourself online
the place where you pour yourselves out more freely than before
why do we feel more lost than before,
why is it that even though we are so easily connected,
why are we less connected than before?
we are so available on our cellphones, yet we choose to remain unavailable most of the time.
thing is, we become unavailable to others, and just make yourself available at your own disposal.
but can;t you see that others need you. ?
we all just want to feel important ,
but what is the sole purpose
just to be part of something
or just to hope one day you will be found ?
or just biting into a slice of virtual existence, HOPING deeply to belong
==============================================================
why is it when you speak, you don;t care about what others are saying. ?
we ask a question and we don;t care about their answer
or,,
we ignore them and then question the same question the person was previously addressing.
A says " i think something happened to C, i called her a dozen times and she didn;t pick up "
B, Completely ignoring A, then complains " wahlao, shes super irresponsible can,,always like that, want to call her cannot call her ......blah blah blah"
same things happen during lessons,
our teachers relentlessly tries to get their voice across the chattering class and after that tireless one way convo, someone ELSE asks the exact same question.
you are happy to know that people are interested in your life
you created a web to share your experiences.
but you didn;t bother to find out what others are experiencing.
no, why don;t you want to hear?
why do you want to be heard and not hear
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when i see you, i long for you to stay a little bit longer.
i want to know how you are, or simply be part of what you are doing.
you wouldn't mind just delaying just a little bit for me ?
but, yep, you mind , say " i needa go home, bye!"
couldn;t you inconvenience yourself just one time and go the long route with me?
nope., rush rush rush, we must , we rush.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
why do you care about what people think about what you wear
or how you wear your hair
who cares about giant legs or scared hands,
wear that egyptian looking head band , that hippies shirt,
the cheerleader ponytail that you adore
if you are ok with it, then who cares about what others think ? ?
eventually , whatever you wear , or however you do things,
people do not care
to a person , they think they own the nicest shirt in the world
or OH THE MOST EXPENSIVE LOOKING shirt you have with the cheapest buy.
someone else thinks that they have something that;s better than what you have.
no matter what you wear, what you own, what you have, what you achieved,
theres bound to be someone who would think that they have something better, look better, own something better.
why should you be so conscious about what others say about you, especially your outer appearance ? just wear whatever you want, what you feel most comfortable with ! caring so much about what others may think just makes you suppress your true self.
but why do we FEEL like we care about what others think. ? because we are humans? or we are just "striving" to impress. kkk,,
seriously. others do not care.
yep . they don;t care
they only care when they have the time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
everything dies.
we go online today,
we have an awesome convo,
or we wait for someone else to initiate
but when someone else does,
sometimes we don;t bother to participate .
we talked today,
you forget what you said,
we remember it clearly.
then whats the point........don;t invest time in such things lah.
lol. sadly, its addictive.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
we want to find some purpose of existing .
just to feel alive
quit rushing, quite racing time,
you control what you are doing with your time.
can you just stop and look around you?
things become so one way ,, why
"i busy what," or " it doesn;t interest me so what for",
just becoming individualistic? Selfish ? self centered? Bored?
oh wait, famously " BUSY!"
i don;t know what your reason is ........ i don;t know.. . . .
perhaps everyone does not feel this way,.
perhaps people do feel like the belong and all that
its fine,
is the answer choice? we choose to be like that. we choose to remain unavailable, we choose to be noticed instead of noticing. ? we choose ? or are we just sick of what;s happening that we disconnect ourselves?
perhaps we are too cautious or careful to invest in the right friendships,
the right people, the right thing , the right this the right that ,, the right blah ,, so much that we completely disconnect ourselves.
perhaps its just me who is causing all this upon myself.
perhaps i;m just refusing to believe that what i am doing is wrong
perhaps what i am doing is so lao gu dong,
perhaps i;m not staying relevant
perhaps i;m just not likable
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
perhaps part of turning eighteen makes me wonder too much about what i have done with my life.
nope. i;ve never thought of
" I'M BECOMING LEGAL!! "
legal to drive.. legal to drink?
"OH !!!! I CAN CLUB LEGALLY!!!"
-_-
i don;t care about all those.
its ok if the seven eleven guy asks me for my IC when i purchase a jolly shandy that is,, OH! less than 0.5% alcohol,and then forbid me to step out of the store with it,, kkk its fine with me! i;m not eager to grow up.
its ok to take a salt or pepper shaker and then go " bang bang!!",, just one;s way of amusing oneself.
theres so much i have yet to be done before turning older,,
like .. some identity
perhaps its just that i am still looking for belonging
perhaps its because i;ve not found myself yet
theres so much to find out
so much to be done
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what we could have been, 10:00 AM.
