Tuesday, July 7, 2009
to summarise my emotions and thoughts now, i think the only word to describe them is
confusion.
i feel like a victim of kidnap, and living with the stockholm syndrome,
i wonder why, why does my kid napper always make me feel fucking bad.
Sorry kidnapper, i didn;t ask you to work 25 hours a day , i didn't .
i don;t even spend as much as i should such that u NEED to work 25 hours a day.
and yes kid napper , i am still angry with you, and yet you think that we owe you , when you do still owe others. But no , we feel compassion and we feel that its our duty. or rather , its only me I who feel that its my duty when others have escaped, and i , solely taking all your crap.
why look at me so weakly, like i am draining you. When you are the one draining yourself.
Do you really need the extra money? do you really need the extra stress?
what am i doing to myself when i am really studyin science?
what have i gotten myself into.
Everything from the high society, to the superficial, its driving me nuts.
like how i find that i have lost myself that icann;t be myself around people whom i am not familiar with.
like how i am being so dumb becuase i always feel that things die off eventually and thus i have not invested heavily in anything, like taking up a new sport and devoting myself fully into it.
like how i am feeling increasingly lonely in this increasingly connected world.
and i really hate my name
REALLY HATE MY NAME.
how to intro myself leh?
and even people from my past are starting to call me K-Q!
how did i even tell people my name is K-K ? even i find it hard to SAY. let alone call out.
and now my new peers call me K-Q ,,, its driving me into confusion,
like i don;t know how, just don;t know how,
i need an english name, and when i recall my baptism name, its really bad, the name , its not too bad, but ,, the memory that is etched with the name is really bad .l ike how P was so angry when he found out about it .. . .
just call me nobody please.
M@ is blaming the lap top for taking away so much of my time, when i raelly wish to say how much i ahve given up, for her. like how i have no friends because i always stay at home , and now that i actually have friends to talk to , that i cannot ? ? ? ? ??
and when i talk to her, she is being so defensive about everyhting, i can;t even describe!
sometimes we know things but we do not need to show that we know them, becuase we don;t hav to prove anytting right? ....
yeh and i hav been tryin this, and i realise that people judge and think that we are ignorant.
but again, who are they to judge right, i don;t hav to impress you.
its driving me insane, and fucking nuts.
i have no idea what i am talking about,
just kill me please KILL ME
confusion.
i feel like a victim of kidnap, and living with the stockholm syndrome,
i wonder why, why does my kid napper always make me feel fucking bad.
Sorry kidnapper, i didn;t ask you to work 25 hours a day , i didn't .
i don;t even spend as much as i should such that u NEED to work 25 hours a day.
and yes kid napper , i am still angry with you, and yet you think that we owe you , when you do still owe others. But no , we feel compassion and we feel that its our duty. or rather , its only me I who feel that its my duty when others have escaped, and i , solely taking all your crap.
why look at me so weakly, like i am draining you. When you are the one draining yourself.
Do you really need the extra money? do you really need the extra stress?
what am i doing to myself when i am really studyin science?
what have i gotten myself into.
Everything from the high society, to the superficial, its driving me nuts.
like how i find that i have lost myself that icann;t be myself around people whom i am not familiar with.
like how i am being so dumb becuase i always feel that things die off eventually and thus i have not invested heavily in anything, like taking up a new sport and devoting myself fully into it.
like how i am feeling increasingly lonely in this increasingly connected world.
and i really hate my name
REALLY HATE MY NAME.
how to intro myself leh?
and even people from my past are starting to call me K-Q!
how did i even tell people my name is K-K ? even i find it hard to SAY. let alone call out.
and now my new peers call me K-Q ,,, its driving me into confusion,
like i don;t know how, just don;t know how,
i need an english name, and when i recall my baptism name, its really bad, the name , its not too bad, but ,, the memory that is etched with the name is really bad .l ike how P was so angry when he found out about it .. . .
just call me nobody please.
M@ is blaming the lap top for taking away so much of my time, when i raelly wish to say how much i ahve given up, for her. like how i have no friends because i always stay at home , and now that i actually have friends to talk to , that i cannot ? ? ? ? ??
and when i talk to her, she is being so defensive about everyhting, i can;t even describe!
sometimes we know things but we do not need to show that we know them, becuase we don;t hav to prove anytting right? ....
yeh and i hav been tryin this, and i realise that people judge and think that we are ignorant.
but again, who are they to judge right, i don;t hav to impress you.
its driving me insane, and fucking nuts.
i have no idea what i am talking about,
just kill me please KILL ME
what we could have been, 7:34 AM.
