and precisely becuase it is a monday night, i shall be off now, chionging, yet again, hahaha.
i smile to myself because i tell myself that its going to be ok,
i smile to myself becuase things happen, and i am happy that it did,
i smile to myself to remind myself that all these things that have happened, are such blessings to me.
i smile to myself, because no one else will smile to me,
haiz, if there is one thing i really do not understand, its myself.I always wonder if i really had a mind of my own, or is it that i have eben so used to trying to think " the right way i cant seem to generate or create my own perspectives. And this really makes me want to bury my head into the ground.
felt pretty defeated at school today whilst my first lecture becuase, i suddenly thought about how i am giving up myself so easily, So angry that i even allowed myself to think about giving up in the first place.
This is not me, its really not me, its not me to give up so easily
what happened to me , who fought hard for many things,
who hated people who complained about the situation and not do anything about it ?
yeah, i have always hated people who did it ,and now i am in it, and i am turning into some one i hate. Really hate. and even becoming someone who is so unfriendly to people around me, and i can;t seem to shut up ,please shut up..
What is this i am struggling with? The thoughts in my mind, how i came so far and thought that i dont want to carry on. This battlefield in my mind, its terrible. Everyday, a string of thoughts are always running round around and into my mind . Questions with no answers, Questions with many answers. Questions with debatable answers. Somewhat like a debate competition only with no structure, no organization and no conclusion. Am i feeling really insecure? Perhaps feeling that i dont deserve many things which i have been blessed with, perhaps that i dont deserve any of these at all. Hai and to think that i gave up on something already, the something that could have lasted for so long, for eternity perhaps. To think i gave that up! and for what, but then why, fear holds me back. and becoming someone i hate? yeah,
I could have done more productive things that yield great things, but then i didn;t invest my time in the right things most of the time. Now , i do regret it , a little bit, , But of course , i should just make do with what i have and move on , like i always do. i will achieve more!
That should be me, that should be the person i want to be always.
Take away my fear- 강한여자
and definitely,, i wont give up so easily,, its not me ,, to give up so easily,
i will be strong!! kanhanyuhja!
i just finished my Lab report about 30 minutes ago, . Finally!
its so wordy, long, tragic. Turns out, researching for so many different sources online, is not as good as i thought it would be too many chefs spoil the broth, haha. Tragic because, i thought i was right, and i wrote accordingly to the information i collected. But it turns out that i was thinking on an entirely opposite manner ! haha i can;t really describe what i was thinking really, but thank goodness my friends pull me back and i realise that, yes there is no need to make everything so complex.
weather is so great these two days,, for sleeping, but its sad that we have to drag ourselves out of bed when we could be curling up in the warm soft blankets and your skin in contact with the cool surface of the pillow and bed sheets. ~ so nice~ haha but NO! cannot ,, we must, get up and go to school -0- haha
anyway i am beginning to doubt myself, as a scientist ( to be!). For one, i am clearly lacking the observation powers (skills) that one should have. oh dear me, hope i can acquire this skill as i move along .
i realised that i have changed, maybe not for the better, for once , i realised that i gave in to my circumstances. Like how i always told myeslf that i would love whatever i needed to do ! like how i forced myself to love doing someting even if i was bad at it or reluctant to do it . But now, i seem to not have the same kind of preserverence i used to have , you know what i mean? haha
but its ok, its still me ! and i will regain my strength again and i wont be defeated.
people tihnk that i am predictable because of the way i behave or whatever.
people think this think that, but they are all wrong,
its awlays like that, so what if i can make myself comfortable in a totally new unkown and strange social situation. does that mean that i have many good friends:?
why do i find myself lonelier than ever now that i have made more friends.
why am i always alone then
is it that i choose to exclude myself
like how i am shunning almost every other social event, or what not.
like how i find it so difficult to maintain a fun conversation , just one person to the other.
hate me hate me hate me
psychologically tormented every other day,
i wanna forget!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do i not forget the stupid things,,,,,,,,, save me!
same ol, same ol,
i feel lonelier than i ever intended to be.
like how i always, and now am alone at home and cooking maggie mee , talking to myself.
and quit talking to me as if i owe you everything else including my time. becuase i don't.
i need a life,, perhaps i need a CCA, something to keep me busy, something to look forward to.
am i that easily read? am i so predictable. ? stop talking to me as if you know who i really am. , let alone stop telling me what i like and what i dont, when you dont even know what you are talkign about. and when you dont even ever take the intiative to know who i really am.
why, am i so easily moved, or fall in so easily. stop it and ,,dont go away.
'
why do you turn your back on me, why.
please forget all of it,
just,, please
i dont really wanna say anything,, mabye
what am i doing?
considering how ,, i imagined myself to be a loner ,without any friends, months ago,
and yet i have been so blessed to have such people around me : )
I am such a blur queen, haha i think if i actually didn;t have friends to help me out , i won;t even be an official student in the shcool! haha,,, its good to know that you are not alone
first lecture? not too bad, spent a little bit of time filtering out the lecturer;s accent. other wise, its great! haha he is pretty amusing , and after throwing some questions at us, i realised that damn my gk is quite.. .how do i say ,deficient
i miss so much, about so many things~ some how my heart and mind is not really present at the same event. hh like how i am so easily distracted.. haha
gotta focus! gotta focus..
anyway hope all of you are having a great time starting university, ~
i hope it turns out well.
haha
smile smile smile.
and love the things you must do.
thats me! : )
i realise that i am someone who does not know how to respond very well or appropriately,
like how sometimes i feel that everything i do ends up insignificant. Not that i need it to be significant,, but it just feels like at the end of the day,,, nothing really adds up,, like what you are doing, is so insignificant. like how you helped,, or what you have done,,, you know?
haha another busy week ahead again, think modules for the next few hours -0-@@,,,
i will try not to be myself too much
like an arrow through me
busy with what ? sometimes i even forget what i did,
suffering from severe stm ever since i left my brains at the Alevel desk ;;hahaha
bidding, and timetabling,, its totally .. haha.. not as Shun4 as i would have liked it to be
well, like how they say that chm majors will spend most hours in the lab, (caution six?) not too sure either.. hence i had to reschedule my time table,, and right now i have four modules alr!! and i just need one more,, which we will start bidding for on the third,.. -0-!
spending too much time on this time table stuff @( PAST FIVE NIGHTS) ! have not studied for my jap test yet TT and its tomorrow!!! haha this is so unlike me,
i must learn how to quieten down,,
my footsteps are hastening, i wonder why.
what do i think of myself? what do others think of me ? what have i done to contribute?
