Monday, September 28, 2009
hmm i just had my first exam, and seriously,, , sigh
think i was pretty dumb becuase i was shuffling through and fro from my table to the side of the hall to get my caculator, then realising that i forgot my card and etc so when i was shuffling through the seats pretty much everyone caould see that i was the idiot who was moving around like some electron bounded in a small space.
i dont really care if people see the cool air around me or not, some just act cool and calm when they are anxious but i am expressive therefore you see that i am anxious, yes, and i dont really care about that.
so irritating, i feel like i have been wasting my time on the useless things , and they dont bring me much good. i have insomnia i think , ic ant seem t ofall asleep.
on the account that ifell asleep at four am yesterday morning , went for 8 am lecture, had school till four, came home to study, and went back to school at 8 pm to ten pm for an exam., and since the exam, i have been awake till now, . prbably a lot of things have happened, but i dont feellike they have happened. haha
it seems pretty do able, i think i sabotaged my chances of getting close to a perfect grade becuase i kept tricking myself,
perhaps, what man,, i cant stand it that i have to wrok twice as hard as other people just to achieve the same result , i dont know why, why i have to read a same set of notes more times than other people to graps the same concept. it is really irritating!!!!!! ah
but i cant compare like that, but i just cant help but just feel dumber than otehr people. but perhaps my purpose of being here is to show that if you are willing to put in twice the amount of effort, then you can still get to do somet tihngs. i guess.
quite dumb , lke who in the world values inefficiency in the first place. even if the carnot cycle has a certain degree of inefficiency,and produces work,, and have to take in more energy before producing a certain amount of work. ,and even in economics, inefficiency cannot be tolerated!! in some ways, haha
whatever.
i am so irritated at myself, so irritated that , i keep forgetting what i learnt so easily,, why why hwy . so irritating
not every problem has a simple ducking solution.
so freaking dumb becuas i studied almost the entire set of notes, tried to remember every freaking definition cos i dont want to miss out key words, and,, i skipped one set of notes , hahaha and,, -_- which, haha made me miss one important concept. dumbass
seriously dumb la
must study right'? becuse if i dont study right, then i can never do ok, people keep saying {" dont stress, dont stress" haha... -__- its like telling me to stop bleeding when there is a huge laceration on my hand and my red blood cells are spilling all over the place. what you can be is a bandage! you can try to alleviate my pain. yes. hahah
of course, i believe tht i would love to be less stressed out. perhaps i am stressed out becuse i am irritated that i cant remember things so well ,and for the fact that the pyhsical chemistry e,xam is only like 3 days away and i cante ven do the tutorial, am i dead or not, when i tried to study the same freaking FREAKING set of notes so many many many many many many fucking times. i think its the fact that i cant seem to be able to solve aNY question even though i have read the notes,,,,,,,,,, ZzzzZzZ
angry, but its ok
irritating,
please f off, cos you dont know what i am doing.
its gonna be a better day tomorrow
the day when he stops ignoring me,
the day when i make better use of my time and not come online and do better things like read the holy book. or read soem lecture notes
~~~~~~~~~~~~
time out, its three 22, i am still wide awake, bright eyed. insomnia,i survived on three hours os sleep hahaha.. not that iever viewed the time of when i slept as of importance,such a trivial matter isnt it ? ? just suddenly its quite amazing that i raelise that its insomnia, that its amusing.
i feel a challenge coming up , i should take this rish
think i was pretty dumb becuase i was shuffling through and fro from my table to the side of the hall to get my caculator, then realising that i forgot my card and etc so when i was shuffling through the seats pretty much everyone caould see that i was the idiot who was moving around like some electron bounded in a small space.
i dont really care if people see the cool air around me or not, some just act cool and calm when they are anxious but i am expressive therefore you see that i am anxious, yes, and i dont really care about that.
so irritating, i feel like i have been wasting my time on the useless things , and they dont bring me much good. i have insomnia i think , ic ant seem t ofall asleep.
on the account that ifell asleep at four am yesterday morning , went for 8 am lecture, had school till four, came home to study, and went back to school at 8 pm to ten pm for an exam., and since the exam, i have been awake till now, . prbably a lot of things have happened, but i dont feellike they have happened. haha
it seems pretty do able, i think i sabotaged my chances of getting close to a perfect grade becuase i kept tricking myself,
perhaps, what man,, i cant stand it that i have to wrok twice as hard as other people just to achieve the same result , i dont know why, why i have to read a same set of notes more times than other people to graps the same concept. it is really irritating!!!!!! ah
but i cant compare like that, but i just cant help but just feel dumber than otehr people. but perhaps my purpose of being here is to show that if you are willing to put in twice the amount of effort, then you can still get to do somet tihngs. i guess.
quite dumb , lke who in the world values inefficiency in the first place. even if the carnot cycle has a certain degree of inefficiency,and produces work,, and have to take in more energy before producing a certain amount of work. ,and even in economics, inefficiency cannot be tolerated!! in some ways, haha
whatever.
i am so irritated at myself, so irritated that , i keep forgetting what i learnt so easily,, why why hwy . so irritating
not every problem has a simple ducking solution.
so freaking dumb becuas i studied almost the entire set of notes, tried to remember every freaking definition cos i dont want to miss out key words, and,, i skipped one set of notes , hahaha and,, -_- which, haha made me miss one important concept. dumbass
seriously dumb la
must study right'? becuse if i dont study right, then i can never do ok, people keep saying {" dont stress, dont stress" haha... -__- its like telling me to stop bleeding when there is a huge laceration on my hand and my red blood cells are spilling all over the place. what you can be is a bandage! you can try to alleviate my pain. yes. hahah
of course, i believe tht i would love to be less stressed out. perhaps i am stressed out becuse i am irritated that i cant remember things so well ,and for the fact that the pyhsical chemistry e,xam is only like 3 days away and i cante ven do the tutorial, am i dead or not, when i tried to study the same freaking FREAKING set of notes so many many many many many many fucking times. i think its the fact that i cant seem to be able to solve aNY question even though i have read the notes,,,,,,,,,, ZzzzZzZ
angry, but its ok
irritating,
please f off, cos you dont know what i am doing.
its gonna be a better day tomorrow
the day when he stops ignoring me,
the day when i make better use of my time and not come online and do better things like read the holy book. or read soem lecture notes
~~~~~~~~~~~~
time out, its three 22, i am still wide awake, bright eyed. insomnia,i survived on three hours os sleep hahaha.. not that iever viewed the time of when i slept as of importance,such a trivial matter isnt it ? ? just suddenly its quite amazing that i raelise that its insomnia, that its amusing.
i feel a challenge coming up , i should take this rish
what we could have been, 11:40 AM.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
i am tired, hahaha Veh tired,
all i hope for is that, i wont forget what i studied, or else, i would really hate myself to the core.
studystudystudy,,,,,,,,,,,,,
hahaha just like a geek
i want to sleep, i really do, but now hahaha my body is so used to the timing at night, at 8pm i am so wide awake and i am wide awake till five am, and at twelve pm when i wake up, i feel like,, a zombie, hahahaha and then i will feel groggy till its 8pm again, and yup
so basically becuase when rise its bright and shortly after its dark, when i sleep , its dark, and, haha i kinda lose track of time so easily.
really restless,
i wanna go out and play, next friday, after the fricking phychem paper is over, i wanna go out and eat ice cream!! but thats the sad thing because i cant find company
i cant WAIT for next week to be over
hugs the air cos no one is around,
, getting back to work now!! oh economics, please dont be mean to me : )!
all i hope for is that, i wont forget what i studied, or else, i would really hate myself to the core.
studystudystudy,,,,,,,,,,,,,
hahaha just like a geek
i want to sleep, i really do, but now hahaha my body is so used to the timing at night, at 8pm i am so wide awake and i am wide awake till five am, and at twelve pm when i wake up, i feel like,, a zombie, hahahaha and then i will feel groggy till its 8pm again, and yup
so basically becuase when rise its bright and shortly after its dark, when i sleep , its dark, and, haha i kinda lose track of time so easily.
really restless,
i wanna go out and play, next friday, after the fricking phychem paper is over, i wanna go out and eat ice cream!! but thats the sad thing because i cant find company
i cant WAIT for next week to be over
hugs the air cos no one is around,
, getting back to work now!! oh economics, please dont be mean to me : )!
what we could have been, 8:47 AM.
Friday, September 25, 2009
this is no joke,
i am so tired, hahaha i can feel my eyebags burning!! haha
blur me,,, haha
oh God , please bring me through this storm, in one piece, ahha
i feel like i am studying for a levels all over again, haha
studying PCME, yes,,,,,,,, hahaha,, just more indepth! and, having to top up info on top of that of a levels. hahaha
but its ok
come on baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one more week, hell is going to be over, and it will be fine! it will be good : ) ~~ ^______________^
hahahaha i cant smile like that, my eyebags are in the way. haha
i am so tired, hahaha i can feel my eyebags burning!! haha
blur me,,, haha
oh God , please bring me through this storm, in one piece, ahha
i feel like i am studying for a levels all over again, haha
studying PCME, yes,,,,,,,, hahaha,, just more indepth! and, having to top up info on top of that of a levels. hahaha
but its ok
come on baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one more week, hell is going to be over, and it will be fine! it will be good : ) ~~ ^______________^
hahahaha i cant smile like that, my eyebags are in the way. haha
what we could have been, 7:28 AM.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
ok i am really tired. did i mention how time is really ,really fleeting?
i have been home, really staying home, studying ,and nothing much play piano, studying again and again and again and again, and now that i think of it, what have i really finished studying? ? ? OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Fking slow!!!!!!
i just woke up and went to school and now its already night!! OMG! and the day is coming to an end, and i have not finished studying,, T_T!!!! i am quiet irritated with myself, why why i have studied the same set of notes like 4 freaking times! something is wrong with me man ,,
T_T
some people cry to get there, some people dont cry to get there,. why is it that every journey i take MUST come with tears?
report report, and still more to study. MUST CHIONG!!! COME ON KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS, T_T.....................
smile at the storm,, smile at the storm,
i have been home, really staying home, studying ,and nothing much play piano, studying again and again and again and again, and now that i think of it, what have i really finished studying? ? ? OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Fking slow!!!!!!
i just woke up and went to school and now its already night!! OMG! and the day is coming to an end, and i have not finished studying,, T_T!!!! i am quiet irritated with myself, why why i have studied the same set of notes like 4 freaking times! something is wrong with me man ,,
T_T
some people cry to get there, some people dont cry to get there,. why is it that every journey i take MUST come with tears?
report report, and still more to study. MUST CHIONG!!! COME ON KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS, T_T.....................
smile at the storm,, smile at the storm,
what we could have been, 5:15 AM.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
i am so fucking blur, i can really kill myself now.
so irritating!!! how to be independent if i am so blur!!! freak man
so irritating, irrtating the hck out of me, really,
smiel at the storm, smile at the storm!!!
so irritating!!! how to be independent if i am so blur!!! freak man
so irritating, irrtating the hck out of me, really,
smiel at the storm, smile at the storm!!!
what we could have been, 6:11 AM.
Monday, September 21, 2009
yup so basically, i realised that it is really IRRITATING to hear, people talk about themselves, all the time, really. haha and i realised that , that is me, sometimes, just talking abotu myself so much, hahaha THIS MUST CEASE!!! hohoho~
anyway, just recently, i dont know , why, feels like everyone has been struck or ,are having their confidence shaken, seems like i am not the only one, Misery loves company doesn;t it. ? but anyway, i am out of that phase already, stop the self pity KK ,haha i have to keep psychoing myself, but if i dnot believe in myself, i dont think others can also,
one of my goals this year, is to live differently,. to be more gracious in my dealings, and also to lead a life, whereby people will say "i want to be like her." hahaha!! BUT of course in order for this to work, i have to be less of a scardy cat, LESS WAY LESS my friend. BE BOLDER!
which is great! becuase really, there is a blatent PROMT that a challenge is coming, but i am so scared!! SO SCAREd to take it up. oh , God if i really do take it up, please provide!!! And o good grief, thinking about it makes my stomach flip like ten times, hahahaha.
Horoscope, ( something that one should not believe in ) is really addictive, i think, its funny, but reading it, forces you to focus and think abotu that one particular event in your life. but if you realised, the fact is that most of the hroscope readings are actually applicable to you. haha my lucky colour is green. hmm hahaha i wear green but nothing lucky really happens. hhaha
ok time to study! ITS RECESS WEEK but , haha it does not mean recess-by dictionary .com temporary withdrawal or cessation from the usual work or activity.
hahaha so i assume, or actually, must know that its a cessation from slacking : T
oh this feeling really really sucks, that i am so drawn ,yet i know that i can;t, i should not . stupid girl, stupid girl. You are in the mood to just call the whole thing off and shift direction entirely. yup, the horoscope is right about that then. haha.
THE IRONY of the situation,. oh thats funny
anyway, just recently, i dont know , why, feels like everyone has been struck or ,are having their confidence shaken, seems like i am not the only one, Misery loves company doesn;t it. ? but anyway, i am out of that phase already, stop the self pity KK ,haha i have to keep psychoing myself, but if i dnot believe in myself, i dont think others can also,
one of my goals this year, is to live differently,. to be more gracious in my dealings, and also to lead a life, whereby people will say "i want to be like her." hahaha!! BUT of course in order for this to work, i have to be less of a scardy cat, LESS WAY LESS my friend. BE BOLDER!
which is great! becuase really, there is a blatent PROMT that a challenge is coming, but i am so scared!! SO SCAREd to take it up. oh , God if i really do take it up, please provide!!! And o good grief, thinking about it makes my stomach flip like ten times, hahahaha.
Horoscope, ( something that one should not believe in ) is really addictive, i think, its funny, but reading it, forces you to focus and think abotu that one particular event in your life. but if you realised, the fact is that most of the hroscope readings are actually applicable to you. haha my lucky colour is green. hmm hahaha i wear green but nothing lucky really happens. hhaha
ok time to study! ITS RECESS WEEK but , haha it does not mean recess-by dictionary .com temporary withdrawal or cessation from the usual work or activity.
hahaha so i assume, or actually, must know that its a cessation from slacking : T
oh this feeling really really sucks, that i am so drawn ,yet i know that i can;t, i should not . stupid girl, stupid girl. You are in the mood to just call the whole thing off and shift direction entirely. yup, the horoscope is right about that then. haha.
THE IRONY of the situation,. oh thats funny
what we could have been, 9:09 PM.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
i am just, very tired,
not tired becuase i studied like hell for my exams, actually that should be the main reason why i am tired,
but no, not becuase i was studying
but becuase i was thinking about a lot of stuff
USELESS CRAPPY stuff.
please take it ALL AWAY from me,
take all these crap feelings away from me
JUST ERASE them from my mind, at least for two weeks
haha
becuase of you, who held my hopes up so high
who let me down, let me let me down.
ERASE EARSE ERASE DELETE! MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
not tired becuase i studied like hell for my exams, actually that should be the main reason why i am tired,
but no, not becuase i was studying
but becuase i was thinking about a lot of stuff
USELESS CRAPPY stuff.
please take it ALL AWAY from me,
take all these crap feelings away from me
JUST ERASE them from my mind, at least for two weeks
haha
becuase of you, who held my hopes up so high
who let me down, let me let me down.
ERASE EARSE ERASE DELETE! MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
what we could have been, 12:59 AM.
Friday, September 18, 2009
i had a great nineteenth ,, really great one in fact.
seriously , everyoen has been the sweetest things, i cant stand it !!! haha
==========================================================================
for a moment i feel like the meanest bitch on earth . yes i feel like the meanest bitch on earth!! not that i did something very evil or anything, btu that fact that i am not reacting in a manner that is more desired.
at least i did something very different today, i never imagined that i would , try to even step up to something.
i used to be so mugger, can i tell you honestly that i am actualyl a bit sick of working hard.. i always worked hard, worked so hard, but i feel so tired suddenly, this, feeling of idnependence keeps rising, like somehow i wanna be independent,, but i realiesd that i can;t , i have no capability to.. but then i want to,, so irritating.
can i tell you, that i was disappointed that the people whom i really loved, or i thought were really close friends, forgot that it was my birthday. / but actually maybe they just didn;t know.. Even accquaintances bothered to wish me! but then again its becuase they have the time to! and there is fB right, so who wouldnt, its so convenient. but my friends, they didn;t. perhaps i should trust them even moer than this, for the fact that our friendship runs deeper than a convenient happy birthday wish. yup but actually, i am not too affected by it. should not be. nope nope,! its just a Day . thats true right.
dumb dumb me. i must trust my friends a little more than this. haha
another thing,
or the fact that, the thing that runs thicker than water, actually, it feels diluted.
omg who am i kidding
nope.
you see, why do some people say that they like someone else, EVEN though they dont know them well? you see, perhaps its becuase, they are just in love with a fragment of their imagination.
am i just imaginating things? i think i am. please shoot me , shoot me oh please
exams are coming, still partially clueless about whats going on, omg i am so dead if this continues, haha
MUST STUDY!! 열십히공부해요.
seriously , everyoen has been the sweetest things, i cant stand it !!! haha
==========================================================================
for a moment i feel like the meanest bitch on earth . yes i feel like the meanest bitch on earth!! not that i did something very evil or anything, btu that fact that i am not reacting in a manner that is more desired.
at least i did something very different today, i never imagined that i would , try to even step up to something.
i used to be so mugger, can i tell you honestly that i am actualyl a bit sick of working hard.. i always worked hard, worked so hard, but i feel so tired suddenly, this, feeling of idnependence keeps rising, like somehow i wanna be independent,, but i realiesd that i can;t , i have no capability to.. but then i want to,, so irritating.
can i tell you, that i was disappointed that the people whom i really loved, or i thought were really close friends, forgot that it was my birthday. / but actually maybe they just didn;t know.. Even accquaintances bothered to wish me! but then again its becuase they have the time to! and there is fB right, so who wouldnt, its so convenient. but my friends, they didn;t. perhaps i should trust them even moer than this, for the fact that our friendship runs deeper than a convenient happy birthday wish. yup but actually, i am not too affected by it. should not be. nope nope,! its just a Day . thats true right.
dumb dumb me. i must trust my friends a little more than this. haha
another thing,
or the fact that, the thing that runs thicker than water, actually, it feels diluted.
omg who am i kidding
nope.
you see, why do some people say that they like someone else, EVEN though they dont know them well? you see, perhaps its becuase, they are just in love with a fragment of their imagination.
am i just imaginating things? i think i am. please shoot me , shoot me oh please
exams are coming, still partially clueless about whats going on, omg i am so dead if this continues, haha
MUST STUDY!! 열십히공부해요.
what we could have been, 8:54 AM.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Omg
am i starting to irritate the F out of my friends like how i annoyed my sister the other time? By being the me that i think is acceptable?
whats worst. The fact that you can;t accept yourself for who you are, or that you are unsure of who you are.
sometimes i just act weirdly becuase i dont knwo what to say.
even though i laugh much but i am serious. i am serious. or that i dont take many things lightly. I am too easily affected. i dont know why.
omg me mememememem
can i please stop talking about me for many moments. That everytime i have to end off with a comment about me, i am seriously becoming someone i really HATE.
the fact that i will WHAT! loudly if i hear some shocking news, and i really hate it when someone else does it, but i seem to be doing it myself.
or the fact that i really hate the fact that someone keeps whining about something they cant do. but i AM doing them myself.
the fact that i am talking to myself, nad acting all weird, but i always talk to myself@@@
why am i becoming so tidmid, and so reluctant? this cannot be !!!! i am learning and becoming someone i really dislike, haha ,, i am not taking any risks!! so unfufilling, so,,, everything,ah i am boring myself to death. living a life without any risks, living it without doing anything that can contribute. i must change, perhaps joning some committe would be good. doing sometihng for others.
always like that, is that so expected of me? so child like, never ever really growing up, moving around in the shallow ends of the pool, never realy eating real food other than baby paste, haha should be reading real sutff like the bread of life but, i dont.
and even though being able to realise it,i am not taking any responsibility by doing anything about it. so childish
imust let the " novelty " of the feeling, just 4 weeks ago, to fade away, really must. i really really must T_T
feelings, please, plesae , go away
i knwo that i do not have the maturity to be placed in certain situations yet. so please, i pray that i will learn from here, that i would be able to accept the things that come, and be prepared. whtehr or not if its for a relationship, or perhaps, a certain trust, job, responsibility.
GOTTA FOCUS!!!
:) love laugh and live !!
am i starting to irritate the F out of my friends like how i annoyed my sister the other time? By being the me that i think is acceptable?
whats worst. The fact that you can;t accept yourself for who you are, or that you are unsure of who you are.
sometimes i just act weirdly becuase i dont knwo what to say.
even though i laugh much but i am serious. i am serious. or that i dont take many things lightly. I am too easily affected. i dont know why.
omg me mememememem
can i please stop talking about me for many moments. That everytime i have to end off with a comment about me, i am seriously becoming someone i really HATE.
the fact that i will WHAT! loudly if i hear some shocking news, and i really hate it when someone else does it, but i seem to be doing it myself.
or the fact that i really hate the fact that someone keeps whining about something they cant do. but i AM doing them myself.
the fact that i am talking to myself, nad acting all weird, but i always talk to myself@@@
why am i becoming so tidmid, and so reluctant? this cannot be !!!! i am learning and becoming someone i really dislike, haha ,, i am not taking any risks!! so unfufilling, so,,, everything,ah i am boring myself to death. living a life without any risks, living it without doing anything that can contribute. i must change, perhaps joning some committe would be good. doing sometihng for others.
always like that, is that so expected of me? so child like, never ever really growing up, moving around in the shallow ends of the pool, never realy eating real food other than baby paste, haha should be reading real sutff like the bread of life but, i dont.
and even though being able to realise it,i am not taking any responsibility by doing anything about it. so childish
imust let the " novelty " of the feeling, just 4 weeks ago, to fade away, really must. i really really must T_T
feelings, please, plesae , go away
i knwo that i do not have the maturity to be placed in certain situations yet. so please, i pray that i will learn from here, that i would be able to accept the things that come, and be prepared. whtehr or not if its for a relationship, or perhaps, a certain trust, job, responsibility.
GOTTA FOCUS!!!
:) love laugh and live !!
what we could have been, 6:49 AM.
Monday, September 14, 2009
mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
how to forget
how to,
i think i am a big meanine leh,
so mean,
@@@@ must change that
why do people tihnk i am so superficial/? or dumb,
is it becuase i keep portraying myself that way,
must stop that, haha
ah just hope people would stop being so angry with each other, @@ and generate ECosts ,,
why am i becoming so tidmid, and so reluctant? this cannot be !!!! i am learning and becoming someone i really dislike, haha ,, i am not taking any risks!! so unfufilling, so,,, everything,ah i am boring myself to death. living a life without any risks, living it without doing anything that can contribute. i must change, perhaps joning some committe would be good. doing sometihng for others.
always like that, is that so expected of me? so child like, never ever really growing up, moving around in the shallow ends of the pool, never realy eating real food other than baby paste, haha should be reading real sutff like the bread of life but, i dont.
and even though being able to realise it,i am not taking any responsibility by doing anything about it. so childish
CHILDLIKE, alyway always.
i must learn ,. frmo my idol! shes freaking BOLD daring and she takes chances! a seeker, a DIVA! a dreamer. thats what i will be. AND SHE DOESNT WASTE TIMEEE!!
must. learn. improve. MOVE ON! have a fricking mind of my own!! I WILL PERSIST!
SIANJIPUAREALLY
how to forget
how to,
i think i am a big meanine leh,
so mean,
@@@@ must change that
why do people tihnk i am so superficial/? or dumb,
is it becuase i keep portraying myself that way,
must stop that, haha
ah just hope people would stop being so angry with each other, @@ and generate ECosts ,,
why am i becoming so tidmid, and so reluctant? this cannot be !!!! i am learning and becoming someone i really dislike, haha ,, i am not taking any risks!! so unfufilling, so,,, everything,ah i am boring myself to death. living a life without any risks, living it without doing anything that can contribute. i must change, perhaps joning some committe would be good. doing sometihng for others.
always like that, is that so expected of me? so child like, never ever really growing up, moving around in the shallow ends of the pool, never realy eating real food other than baby paste, haha should be reading real sutff like the bread of life but, i dont.
and even though being able to realise it,i am not taking any responsibility by doing anything about it. so childish
CHILDLIKE, alyway always.
i must learn ,. frmo my idol! shes freaking BOLD daring and she takes chances! a seeker, a DIVA! a dreamer. thats what i will be. AND SHE DOESNT WASTE TIMEEE!!
must. learn. improve. MOVE ON! have a fricking mind of my own!! I WILL PERSIST!
SIANJIPUAREALLY
what we could have been, 9:52 AM.
Friday, September 11, 2009
can i just promise myself that i wont be so dumb the next few days,
yes, i shall just keep mum...
OH PLEASE i have no such time for such juvenielle and dumb things,
i msut not be so dumb ok
when your heart and mind does't work together, that is just plain , irritating ,, now my mind is saying NO! I DONT WANT IT , but my heart is so wilful, hahaha so dumb dumb!! hahah i wish i could control my heart like some puppet.
why, you kept my hopes up so high ,and then you let me go suddenly. You know that feeling ? i hate it , i hate it ,i hate it. False hope man,. when you keep lying to yourself that its gonna be ok, when you realise that you;re gonna hit the ground eventually.
i am a kid, on the inside still, i am still a kid, so childish.
i wanna go out and play, but, no one wants to go and play with me. = (
FINALLY feel myself tuning into lectures. OR at least, taking away something new from each lecture. FINALLY really!!! u know the feeling is omg, good. becuase after entering almost 16X 5 hours worth of lectures and having every word from the lecturer to seemingly repel from my brain like an alpha particle approaching a nucleus, i finally feel like i am learning , LEARNING!
Birthday birthday birthday, i just hope this year it would be good, that there wont be someone complaining about something else. someone angry about some one else, nothing negative please.
what do i wish for this year?
intanglibe... hugs! free hugs! no kidding,
tanglible, i dont know,
see i dont even know what i want, how can i even decide the important things? haha
but its okay~~~
anyway!! gonna do some mugging now,
yes, i shall just keep mum...
OH PLEASE i have no such time for such juvenielle and dumb things,
i msut not be so dumb ok
when your heart and mind does't work together, that is just plain , irritating ,, now my mind is saying NO! I DONT WANT IT , but my heart is so wilful, hahaha so dumb dumb!! hahah i wish i could control my heart like some puppet.
why, you kept my hopes up so high ,and then you let me go suddenly. You know that feeling ? i hate it , i hate it ,i hate it. False hope man,. when you keep lying to yourself that its gonna be ok, when you realise that you;re gonna hit the ground eventually.
i am a kid, on the inside still, i am still a kid, so childish.
i wanna go out and play, but, no one wants to go and play with me. = (
FINALLY feel myself tuning into lectures. OR at least, taking away something new from each lecture. FINALLY really!!! u know the feeling is omg, good. becuase after entering almost 16X 5 hours worth of lectures and having every word from the lecturer to seemingly repel from my brain like an alpha particle approaching a nucleus, i finally feel like i am learning , LEARNING!
Birthday birthday birthday, i just hope this year it would be good, that there wont be someone complaining about something else. someone angry about some one else, nothing negative please.
what do i wish for this year?
intanglibe... hugs! free hugs! no kidding,
tanglible, i dont know,
see i dont even know what i want, how can i even decide the important things? haha
but its okay~~~
anyway!! gonna do some mugging now,
what we could have been, 10:48 AM.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
can i say, that i am so angry, so angry that i am so dependent on it,
perhaps i am not miss independent after all,
can i say that i am so angry that i got impatient with myself.
haha i cant seem to playy the piano with more feelings,,, ah,,,
can i say that i am not readyt to be 19 yet!! holy! hahaha
but its ok,
for everything its own time,
for everything , its own journey
perhaps this is gonna be one of my toughest journeys yet.
perhaps i am not miss independent after all,
can i say that i am so angry that i got impatient with myself.
haha i cant seem to playy the piano with more feelings,,, ah,,,
can i say that i am not readyt to be 19 yet!! holy! hahaha
but its ok,
for everything its own time,
for everything , its own journey
perhaps this is gonna be one of my toughest journeys yet.
what we could have been, 7:17 AM.
I'm not mature enough to turn nineteen. I'm not. Good enough .i'm not-,,! I want to stop deceiving myself. I want to. If this is not reality, please slap me out of it..what an i placed here for .i feel a fake sense of security. Save me someone please save me.
what we could have been, 2:18 AM.
I'm not mature enough to turn nineteen. I'm not. Good enough .i'm not-,,! I want to stop deceiving myself. I want to. If this is not reality, please slap me out of it..what an i placed here for .i feel a fake sense of security. Save me someone please save me.
what we could have been, 2:18 AM.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
i cannot believe my stupididy
how i allowed myself to fall in so deep, so deep, even though i told myself it was dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, . . .my wilfulness and playfullness got me into this mess, maybe not that anyone else is aware of though , just a mental battlefield i have to conquer again, ,, , its always like this, , ,why,,, why,, why,,,
never thought i;d. .
but of course , this does not give you the right to call me stupid.
why, i am so undeserving,, sometimes so undeserving of second chances, smoetimes , so,, aiyo,
school is getting better, its either that i am becoming more alert during lectures, or that the thigns taught are getting more interesting by the day. i dont know, what ineteresting thing can i share with others now? not much,
im losing track of time, somehow i am becoming less present to the present. Like how i am always forgetting, what i did, or what i am supposed to do,, perhaps i need to foind more significance in everything i do,, cherish or whatever. i dno
reliability, thats something i want to work on.
how i allowed myself to fall in so deep, so deep, even though i told myself it was dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, . . .my wilfulness and playfullness got me into this mess, maybe not that anyone else is aware of though , just a mental battlefield i have to conquer again, ,, , its always like this, , ,why,,, why,, why,,,
never thought i;d. .
but of course , this does not give you the right to call me stupid.
why, i am so undeserving,, sometimes so undeserving of second chances, smoetimes , so,, aiyo,
school is getting better, its either that i am becoming more alert during lectures, or that the thigns taught are getting more interesting by the day. i dont know, what ineteresting thing can i share with others now? not much,
im losing track of time, somehow i am becoming less present to the present. Like how i am always forgetting, what i did, or what i am supposed to do,, perhaps i need to foind more significance in everything i do,, cherish or whatever. i dno
reliability, thats something i want to work on.
what we could have been, 11:25 AM.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Finally made use of the ammenities available in the Norman compound and went swimming again. Got to clear my mind whilst i immerse my entire body into the water. Its as if the chlorinated water can somehow solvate all my worries like Na+ Cl- ions being hydrated by H20 molecules. chemistry major indeed.
Today, my family went to , how to say, dig out my grandfather;s grave and placed his remains into an urn, in a vineyard. at the vineyard, i saw the murials, of the people who were resting, and they were nicely decorated. I mean pictures, notes, letters , flowers all stuck on the while tile. it was quite moving for me, when i read this particular card written by a girl to her aunt, i felt like crying. she mentioned in the card, something about her aunt teaching her how to be independent, and that now shes gone, she misses how she did things like baking cookies togehter, , , man, i would have been crushed if someone like that was taken away from me.
See, the kind of legacies that we leave behind when we are gone. In my lifetime, i hope to impact other people this way, and how i am living my life now, doesnt seem to get me there.
MY relatives think too highly of me, and everytime i lisetn to them talk about how a good daughter in law or in law should be, i always feel like i will never ever reach that point, or that status, or that,, how do i say, standard. Plainly becuase i lack all these foundations that one should have been taught at home, i feel really, not-well-groomed.
: ( but its ok, that means i have to learn, by myself, ,, miss independent, that should be me.
taught my cousin how to multiply today, isnt it tough? when u grasp something already, hard to transfer this gong fu to others. Realised htat i had a slight violent tendency as i would TAP my cousin on the arm with a slight amount of force when he doesnt pay attention, or raise my voice partially when i am explaining something. haha i get too,, animated when i want to illustrate a point i guess, and when he could finally tell me how to ( one person use two chopsticks, five people are eating, so u need ten chopsticks) .went around the house counting things like window squares and ,, ducks in the pond etc) . kinda fufilling, but, i dont know about my violent tendencies. haha shucks. must not be violent. mm
i realised that i had been reliant on the wrong things to sustian me. I feel like i have been on drugs, that i have been using the wrong thigns to keep me alive, to fill this empty void of mine. This could have been lethal, like how i would have allowed it to consume me from the inside, consume, my mind.
but right now, in this battlefield of my mind, i am realising that i must and i cAN let it go, and i can fight off these thoughts. That i do not need to rely on this to keep me alive.
yes and i have been too easily intimidated, i realised that in the sAME anmount of time and the SAME education system that my frends and i have been put through, i did not accmoplish as much as they all have!!. sigh, hahaha but its ok!!! NOT TOO LATE TO LEARN.
i realised that so many people have so much faith in me, to even complete university, cannot believe that i even let the thought of " stop studying lah" enter my mind. Sigh, its been tough, but i must carry on! maybe its becuase i never imagined myself to ever get this far. haha i need the motivation! i studied so hard NOT to quit now!!!!!! having being put into this situation means that i have the adequate skills and experiences to bring me through. Lord please provide!!!!
i need some kind of de stressing activity man, haha please!! teach me something new
STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today, my family went to , how to say, dig out my grandfather;s grave and placed his remains into an urn, in a vineyard. at the vineyard, i saw the murials, of the people who were resting, and they were nicely decorated. I mean pictures, notes, letters , flowers all stuck on the while tile. it was quite moving for me, when i read this particular card written by a girl to her aunt, i felt like crying. she mentioned in the card, something about her aunt teaching her how to be independent, and that now shes gone, she misses how she did things like baking cookies togehter, , , man, i would have been crushed if someone like that was taken away from me.
See, the kind of legacies that we leave behind when we are gone. In my lifetime, i hope to impact other people this way, and how i am living my life now, doesnt seem to get me there.
MY relatives think too highly of me, and everytime i lisetn to them talk about how a good daughter in law or in law should be, i always feel like i will never ever reach that point, or that status, or that,, how do i say, standard. Plainly becuase i lack all these foundations that one should have been taught at home, i feel really, not-well-groomed.
: ( but its ok, that means i have to learn, by myself, ,, miss independent, that should be me.
taught my cousin how to multiply today, isnt it tough? when u grasp something already, hard to transfer this gong fu to others. Realised htat i had a slight violent tendency as i would TAP my cousin on the arm with a slight amount of force when he doesnt pay attention, or raise my voice partially when i am explaining something. haha i get too,, animated when i want to illustrate a point i guess, and when he could finally tell me how to ( one person use two chopsticks, five people are eating, so u need ten chopsticks) .went around the house counting things like window squares and ,, ducks in the pond etc) . kinda fufilling, but, i dont know about my violent tendencies. haha shucks. must not be violent. mm
i realised that i had been reliant on the wrong things to sustian me. I feel like i have been on drugs, that i have been using the wrong thigns to keep me alive, to fill this empty void of mine. This could have been lethal, like how i would have allowed it to consume me from the inside, consume, my mind.
but right now, in this battlefield of my mind, i am realising that i must and i cAN let it go, and i can fight off these thoughts. That i do not need to rely on this to keep me alive.
yes and i have been too easily intimidated, i realised that in the sAME anmount of time and the SAME education system that my frends and i have been put through, i did not accmoplish as much as they all have!!. sigh, hahaha but its ok!!! NOT TOO LATE TO LEARN.
i realised that so many people have so much faith in me, to even complete university, cannot believe that i even let the thought of " stop studying lah" enter my mind. Sigh, its been tough, but i must carry on! maybe its becuase i never imagined myself to ever get this far. haha i need the motivation! i studied so hard NOT to quit now!!!!!! having being put into this situation means that i have the adequate skills and experiences to bring me through. Lord please provide!!!!
i need some kind of de stressing activity man, haha please!! teach me something new
STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what we could have been, 4:49 AM.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
i feel like i am on a drug
i have a bad addiction.
how, it goes into you makes you feel good and after that yuo feel like shit
but precisely, how can you abandon me like that?
even though i knew that it was bad for me,i still went ahead, i let my mind feed on such,, such ,,,, such feelings, when i knew that it could have been a fake, pure fake,
i am a babo,
babo ,
babo
omg, iwant to die,
i need to get rid of this, feeling
i have a bad addiction.
how, it goes into you makes you feel good and after that yuo feel like shit
but precisely, how can you abandon me like that?
even though i knew that it was bad for me,i still went ahead, i let my mind feed on such,, such ,,,, such feelings, when i knew that it could have been a fake, pure fake,
i am a babo,
babo ,
babo
omg, iwant to die,
i need to get rid of this, feeling
what we could have been, 2:03 AM.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
This is going to be completely random, and as usual, self centered me, i wont talk abotu the things that have happened, but instead like i always do, just evaluate the type of situations i find myself in : )
wlel, the reason why i never really mention anyone on my blog, is because, well i alwyas wonder it that one day, when the person no longer becomes part of my life, i will feel really sad if i remember what we once were. Or taht sometiems, reeally dont want to remember all the sad things, and that the happy things and sad things just remain in my memory, and of course, the strongest and most distinct always stays on my mind. And also having said that, not mentioning anyone on a blog is a good thing, becuase you dont ever want to intentionally hurt anyone.
As a matter of fact, if i really do write about someone, sometimes it makes me feel very pretentious, if u want the full reason, u can just ask me, haha
i am insecure, it is true,
that how i alwyas feel that whatever i have achieved or done is very negligible. That sometmes i always feel undeserving of whatever i have gotten.
I wonder if its because of the new environment that i am immersed in,,, i feel very dumb. haha sunday, monday and tuesdays are now dedicated to writing lab reports. i dont know which is more insane or worrying, the fact that i am spending about 15hours to write a report each (high inefficiency) , or the fact that i dont really know what to do if it was not for the help of my friends.
i feel damn dumb seriously, its already 16 hoours worth of lecutres regarding each quantum mechanics and thermodynamics, and i am still not sure what is really going on. Four weeks into shcool ,and this is not a good sign considering that the mid term exams are just around the corner, cue after my birthday!
birthday birthday birthday, last tiem id be a decade+ old before hitting the two. How much did i achieve within approximately two decades, i think not much as compared to many people. but ok what i do with my remaning time will determind the kind of legacy i leave behind one day. Having a birthday, i dont really wish for manythings, jsut,, secret, shhhhh
i keep smiling to myself nowadays, one is becuase, i really miss some one terribly, and that i smile to myself and say its gonna be ok, that its gonna be ok and that i can also overcome my situation. Ultimately i realiesd that the only person who can really be there for you, is really only you . If you dont smile to yourself, no one else would.
why am i so easily excitable? I think it is becuase i really understand the how people often look out for the kind of enthusiasm in the topic in which tehy are talking about. i know that may times, people talk about things which do not interest you, however, even if it doesn't. Sometimes we just ignore completely, i know this is very convenient, but then it doesnt feel too good esp if u are the one on the recieving end of this cold shoulder. Therefore i always enthuse about smoething even though i may not be the slightest bit interested in it. but of course, being seemingly excited about the topic may make me seem like i am insincere, but no , do you know how tiring it is to even try to engage? yeh at least i am trying, you know. and if you dont, then dont judge me saying me that i am fake or whatever, superficial you call that. yeah, i just want to make people around me feel that i am at least, trying my best to be involved in their interest. Is this part of good EQ? question,
i am miss independent, sometimes i am fine doing things alone, just that i realised that i always get myself into a whole lot of mess before employing help and realising that it could have been done in the least complex manner. also that being said , haha having friends who save seats for you and all that, its really nice feeling for me becuase, i never really had people do that for me, spontaneously ,before. Its really nice.
judging from the way i see thigns, i guess that my love language is words of affirmation and physical touch, i love hugs, but why people around me, they are like stick figures,,,,,,,,,,, haha no hugs,, so sad, hahaha
people who make me feel secure always make me feel , very , very, comforted. but its so sad, becuase they cant alyways stay with you, and so i always have that feeling with me, just remind myself constantly that its going to be ok... but its so sad sometimes i feel like i am decieving myself., and its sad cos,,,, ( cant say , )
haha i talk to myself , also because iam lonely .lonely ,loner.. . . ha . ha . ha. but ia m totally fine with it ! it gives me time, to think about ymself ,and perhaps i am used to it, thats why i am fine doing many things alone. alone, whatever. besides, doing things alone, means u dnot have to really be too concerned about tthe feeligns about theother persno. This is also one of the reasons why i really dislike being with other people somteimes. SOme people think they are way too cool for you, or they think that you know/think they know/ think that you are not their type of poeple. and then they will just be doing their own things. You know its not a very nice feeling to know that people are NOT IN THEIR ELEMENT when they around you. you know right? after all its best when you are surrounded by people who bring out the best in you. and no one wants to feel the - my presence makes you feel unconfortable - thing.
oh well ,e nough nonsense. must read, must study!!!! hwaiting!!
wlel, the reason why i never really mention anyone on my blog, is because, well i alwyas wonder it that one day, when the person no longer becomes part of my life, i will feel really sad if i remember what we once were. Or taht sometiems, reeally dont want to remember all the sad things, and that the happy things and sad things just remain in my memory, and of course, the strongest and most distinct always stays on my mind. And also having said that, not mentioning anyone on a blog is a good thing, becuase you dont ever want to intentionally hurt anyone.
As a matter of fact, if i really do write about someone, sometimes it makes me feel very pretentious, if u want the full reason, u can just ask me, haha
i am insecure, it is true,
that how i alwyas feel that whatever i have achieved or done is very negligible. That sometmes i always feel undeserving of whatever i have gotten.
I wonder if its because of the new environment that i am immersed in,,, i feel very dumb. haha sunday, monday and tuesdays are now dedicated to writing lab reports. i dont know which is more insane or worrying, the fact that i am spending about 15hours to write a report each (high inefficiency) , or the fact that i dont really know what to do if it was not for the help of my friends.
i feel damn dumb seriously, its already 16 hoours worth of lecutres regarding each quantum mechanics and thermodynamics, and i am still not sure what is really going on. Four weeks into shcool ,and this is not a good sign considering that the mid term exams are just around the corner, cue after my birthday!
birthday birthday birthday, last tiem id be a decade+ old before hitting the two. How much did i achieve within approximately two decades, i think not much as compared to many people. but ok what i do with my remaning time will determind the kind of legacy i leave behind one day. Having a birthday, i dont really wish for manythings, jsut,, secret, shhhhh
i keep smiling to myself nowadays, one is becuase, i really miss some one terribly, and that i smile to myself and say its gonna be ok, that its gonna be ok and that i can also overcome my situation. Ultimately i realiesd that the only person who can really be there for you, is really only you . If you dont smile to yourself, no one else would.
why am i so easily excitable? I think it is becuase i really understand the how people often look out for the kind of enthusiasm in the topic in which tehy are talking about. i know that may times, people talk about things which do not interest you, however, even if it doesn't. Sometimes we just ignore completely, i know this is very convenient, but then it doesnt feel too good esp if u are the one on the recieving end of this cold shoulder. Therefore i always enthuse about smoething even though i may not be the slightest bit interested in it. but of course, being seemingly excited about the topic may make me seem like i am insincere, but no , do you know how tiring it is to even try to engage? yeh at least i am trying, you know. and if you dont, then dont judge me saying me that i am fake or whatever, superficial you call that. yeah, i just want to make people around me feel that i am at least, trying my best to be involved in their interest. Is this part of good EQ? question,
i am miss independent, sometimes i am fine doing things alone, just that i realised that i always get myself into a whole lot of mess before employing help and realising that it could have been done in the least complex manner. also that being said , haha having friends who save seats for you and all that, its really nice feeling for me becuase, i never really had people do that for me, spontaneously ,before. Its really nice.
judging from the way i see thigns, i guess that my love language is words of affirmation and physical touch, i love hugs, but why people around me, they are like stick figures,,,,,,,,,,, haha no hugs,, so sad, hahaha
people who make me feel secure always make me feel , very , very, comforted. but its so sad, becuase they cant alyways stay with you, and so i always have that feeling with me, just remind myself constantly that its going to be ok... but its so sad sometimes i feel like i am decieving myself., and its sad cos,,,, ( cant say , )
haha i talk to myself , also because iam lonely .lonely ,loner.. . . ha . ha . ha. but ia m totally fine with it ! it gives me time, to think about ymself ,and perhaps i am used to it, thats why i am fine doing many things alone. alone, whatever. besides, doing things alone, means u dnot have to really be too concerned about tthe feeligns about theother persno. This is also one of the reasons why i really dislike being with other people somteimes. SOme people think they are way too cool for you, or they think that you know/think they know/ think that you are not their type of poeple. and then they will just be doing their own things. You know its not a very nice feeling to know that people are NOT IN THEIR ELEMENT when they around you. you know right? after all its best when you are surrounded by people who bring out the best in you. and no one wants to feel the - my presence makes you feel unconfortable - thing.
oh well ,e nough nonsense. must read, must study!!!! hwaiting!!
what we could have been, 8:59 AM.
