Saturday, September 5, 2009
Finally made use of the ammenities available in the Norman compound and went swimming again. Got to clear my mind whilst i immerse my entire body into the water. Its as if the chlorinated water can somehow solvate all my worries like Na+ Cl- ions being hydrated by H20 molecules. chemistry major indeed.
Today, my family went to , how to say, dig out my grandfather;s grave and placed his remains into an urn, in a vineyard. at the vineyard, i saw the murials, of the people who were resting, and they were nicely decorated. I mean pictures, notes, letters , flowers all stuck on the while tile. it was quite moving for me, when i read this particular card written by a girl to her aunt, i felt like crying. she mentioned in the card, something about her aunt teaching her how to be independent, and that now shes gone, she misses how she did things like baking cookies togehter, , , man, i would have been crushed if someone like that was taken away from me.
See, the kind of legacies that we leave behind when we are gone. In my lifetime, i hope to impact other people this way, and how i am living my life now, doesnt seem to get me there.
MY relatives think too highly of me, and everytime i lisetn to them talk about how a good daughter in law or in law should be, i always feel like i will never ever reach that point, or that status, or that,, how do i say, standard. Plainly becuase i lack all these foundations that one should have been taught at home, i feel really, not-well-groomed.
: ( but its ok, that means i have to learn, by myself, ,, miss independent, that should be me.
taught my cousin how to multiply today, isnt it tough? when u grasp something already, hard to transfer this gong fu to others. Realised htat i had a slight violent tendency as i would TAP my cousin on the arm with a slight amount of force when he doesnt pay attention, or raise my voice partially when i am explaining something. haha i get too,, animated when i want to illustrate a point i guess, and when he could finally tell me how to ( one person use two chopsticks, five people are eating, so u need ten chopsticks) .went around the house counting things like window squares and ,, ducks in the pond etc) . kinda fufilling, but, i dont know about my violent tendencies. haha shucks. must not be violent. mm
i realised that i had been reliant on the wrong things to sustian me. I feel like i have been on drugs, that i have been using the wrong thigns to keep me alive, to fill this empty void of mine. This could have been lethal, like how i would have allowed it to consume me from the inside, consume, my mind.
but right now, in this battlefield of my mind, i am realising that i must and i cAN let it go, and i can fight off these thoughts. That i do not need to rely on this to keep me alive.
yes and i have been too easily intimidated, i realised that in the sAME anmount of time and the SAME education system that my frends and i have been put through, i did not accmoplish as much as they all have!!. sigh, hahaha but its ok!!! NOT TOO LATE TO LEARN.
i realised that so many people have so much faith in me, to even complete university, cannot believe that i even let the thought of " stop studying lah" enter my mind. Sigh, its been tough, but i must carry on! maybe its becuase i never imagined myself to ever get this far. haha i need the motivation! i studied so hard NOT to quit now!!!!!! having being put into this situation means that i have the adequate skills and experiences to bring me through. Lord please provide!!!!
i need some kind of de stressing activity man, haha please!! teach me something new
STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today, my family went to , how to say, dig out my grandfather;s grave and placed his remains into an urn, in a vineyard. at the vineyard, i saw the murials, of the people who were resting, and they were nicely decorated. I mean pictures, notes, letters , flowers all stuck on the while tile. it was quite moving for me, when i read this particular card written by a girl to her aunt, i felt like crying. she mentioned in the card, something about her aunt teaching her how to be independent, and that now shes gone, she misses how she did things like baking cookies togehter, , , man, i would have been crushed if someone like that was taken away from me.
See, the kind of legacies that we leave behind when we are gone. In my lifetime, i hope to impact other people this way, and how i am living my life now, doesnt seem to get me there.
MY relatives think too highly of me, and everytime i lisetn to them talk about how a good daughter in law or in law should be, i always feel like i will never ever reach that point, or that status, or that,, how do i say, standard. Plainly becuase i lack all these foundations that one should have been taught at home, i feel really, not-well-groomed.
: ( but its ok, that means i have to learn, by myself, ,, miss independent, that should be me.
taught my cousin how to multiply today, isnt it tough? when u grasp something already, hard to transfer this gong fu to others. Realised htat i had a slight violent tendency as i would TAP my cousin on the arm with a slight amount of force when he doesnt pay attention, or raise my voice partially when i am explaining something. haha i get too,, animated when i want to illustrate a point i guess, and when he could finally tell me how to ( one person use two chopsticks, five people are eating, so u need ten chopsticks) .went around the house counting things like window squares and ,, ducks in the pond etc) . kinda fufilling, but, i dont know about my violent tendencies. haha shucks. must not be violent. mm
i realised that i had been reliant on the wrong things to sustian me. I feel like i have been on drugs, that i have been using the wrong thigns to keep me alive, to fill this empty void of mine. This could have been lethal, like how i would have allowed it to consume me from the inside, consume, my mind.
but right now, in this battlefield of my mind, i am realising that i must and i cAN let it go, and i can fight off these thoughts. That i do not need to rely on this to keep me alive.
yes and i have been too easily intimidated, i realised that in the sAME anmount of time and the SAME education system that my frends and i have been put through, i did not accmoplish as much as they all have!!. sigh, hahaha but its ok!!! NOT TOO LATE TO LEARN.
i realised that so many people have so much faith in me, to even complete university, cannot believe that i even let the thought of " stop studying lah" enter my mind. Sigh, its been tough, but i must carry on! maybe its becuase i never imagined myself to ever get this far. haha i need the motivation! i studied so hard NOT to quit now!!!!!! having being put into this situation means that i have the adequate skills and experiences to bring me through. Lord please provide!!!!
i need some kind of de stressing activity man, haha please!! teach me something new
STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what we could have been, 4:49 AM.
