Tuesday, December 29, 2009
becuase i am bitter,
i am angry
perhaps its becuase i never really knew my self well enough
so polarisable . so easily shaken and waverd.
irritating.
that i am so easily influenced by my siblings
like how i couldnt pose for a picture without being mimicked?
or everything i do has to be commented with a personal : i dont do such things becuase ;. .. . .
does it always have to be about you you you?
no!
and now its ok for them to pose happily. or say TAKE a pic of me !!!!! when i was being juged when i said " take a pictuer of me "
and now its ok for them to say TAKE A PICTUER FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i dont even care. i dont even want to check a picutre i just took to see if i look fucking ugly in it or not.
i dont want to care . why does one care anyway. becuase why.all these pictuers are jjust temporary anyway it does not matter doesnt it .
i am so irritated
my mom is irritated with my sisters and i will get the !@#!@#!@
and then, when my sister wants something , something expensive, immediately, its a YES ok i will give it to you and the only obkjection is that you might take it for granted hence NO,,,
what about me ?!?! i never spent on anything expensive,
everytime i buy something or do something , the first comment ever is always ways "expensive"
or even wen i want to take up some lessons or whatever, the first comment is " expensive", nad not becuase iwil ltake it for granted or wtv reasons.
but everything else for my sisters? ? ? ITS "OK" ! its not "expensive"
inever spend much from my mom what, i never requested anything expensive
and the resaons i am forbided to do something is, EXPENSIVE
what about others?
and so mayn times after they are done with the item i will dispose it .
they are forbided cos. :" you miught not take caer of it "
or becuase " you take it for granted. "
and i am stopped not becuase i cant take care of it ,o r that i take it for granted. but becuase ITS EXPENSIVE
you mean other material thngs are not expensive?
she was hesitant to even give me a beauty product cos it was "expensive"
wth?? and itsl ike ten times less expensive than other things.
or even for me to straighten my hair?!??????????! expensive?!!!?!??!?!
even activation of the auto raoaming ,, i have to run that errand and call up the people and run tothe seven elevens to pay the bill.. .. nad i also get nagged at cos my sister did not call my mom ? AND then for the few days just cos my mom is at a bad mood cos of not being called, then she is upset, and when iw ant to go out she is not happy ;; - -
i am sick of it!! i alwys have to look out for her welfare and i cant do what i want for msyself. without being stopped. or being , judged or ,, whatever and she even forbids me to have my current friends?! wth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and all she cares about is that she is lonely.
lonely lonel y lonely
YOU dont think i am lonely also?
nothing i own is ever mine,
no characteristic i have is ever ACCEPTED
nothing ever. not even the clothes i wear
even when i played a piano piece when i was 12 nad others saID " when u play it its like .....____ not like your sisters right, when she plays it its not like that" ..........
or when i learnt a new song and i let her hear it , she goes " i think i prefer the other"
why must evetryone mention what they PREFEREwhy cant they appreciate whtat is in front of their very eyes?
no. they must compare me. compare me compare me.
for now i am not even interested in BEING anymore
i dont care
no but who cares about acceptance right
i dont want to care anymore
do you not htink i want a designer everything also?
do you not htink i want to just ditch everytihng to someone else. and let them clear the mess for me.
do you not think i want smooth hands for i clean my own space
or have to take care of myself since 10
i am slipping back into this state of BLAMING other people
but i am so angry...........................................
i got out of this phase before and now i am getting back into this.
from a point of blaming other people and being bitter
into accepting that this is the situation and that i will just be happy with it.
and now i am back to where i was again.
its so easy to put the blame on other people....
its so hard to keep otu of it . to just deal with the situtaiton
but no one understnads how hard it is to always deal with everything alone.
alone alone alone alone.
and the worst of all is that
even though you know its so blatent
you not me so blatently and yet you choose not to reveal youreslf so blatently to me ? if u know that iam deaf then why not u show youself to me?
i am so angry,
i seeked but i could not find
why?
i asked and i was not answered.
why?
i prayed and i was not answered.
why?
when others are so undeserving and they get it ! why
dont i understand
i dont have a good mind a good brain a good everything and everything i can do is our of hard hard hard hard work
no and even as a sicentist i dont think this is my dream is it ??
is it not ?
and i cant even answer the questions i post to myself.
the fudenamental questions
what am i like ?
i dont think i believe
i dont think i belive,
i think i just chose to believe bcause i thought everyone else believed.
no but i hav nver SEEN
i have never experienced
never never never
i dnot have any real interests
i dont have any talent
i dont haev any charactersitic of my own
yeah maybe one now
i want to COMPLAIN
i want to push the blame
i want to.
I CHOOSE to
i am so sick of having to accept the responsibility or everyhting else that is not mine,. its not !!!!!
i am nothing,.
freaking cupboard. its not even mine,
its not even mine
and i have to clean it
and i bleed i clean it , i get bruised and scratched
and what its not even mwhat i wanted . i was given this cos why"? the one i wanted was " expensive"
what is expensive? its just comparative only what.
stop comparing meeee!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH
'
i may probably sound immature right now,
i admit it ! i MAN UP! i take responsibilty that i am sounding immature,
but its ok right, i mean when i die, people dont rememeber me for complainng this time,. they remember me for what i do in my life time
i will get over it . i know it .
i will eget over it alone again as usual
alone alone alone.
maybe a story i will live is that of hardwork and peserverance. hard work to overcome my own barriers.
everyhting else.
work even harder to do things decently, and then be compared and put down
whatever man
angry.
i am angry
perhaps its becuase i never really knew my self well enough
so polarisable . so easily shaken and waverd.
irritating.
that i am so easily influenced by my siblings
like how i couldnt pose for a picture without being mimicked?
or everything i do has to be commented with a personal : i dont do such things becuase ;. .. . .
does it always have to be about you you you?
no!
and now its ok for them to pose happily. or say TAKE a pic of me !!!!! when i was being juged when i said " take a pictuer of me "
and now its ok for them to say TAKE A PICTUER FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i dont even care. i dont even want to check a picutre i just took to see if i look fucking ugly in it or not.
i dont want to care . why does one care anyway. becuase why.all these pictuers are jjust temporary anyway it does not matter doesnt it .
i am so irritated
my mom is irritated with my sisters and i will get the !@#!@#!@
and then, when my sister wants something , something expensive, immediately, its a YES ok i will give it to you and the only obkjection is that you might take it for granted hence NO,,,
what about me ?!?! i never spent on anything expensive,
everytime i buy something or do something , the first comment ever is always ways "expensive"
or even wen i want to take up some lessons or whatever, the first comment is " expensive", nad not becuase iwil ltake it for granted or wtv reasons.
but everything else for my sisters? ? ? ITS "OK" ! its not "expensive"
inever spend much from my mom what, i never requested anything expensive
and the resaons i am forbided to do something is, EXPENSIVE
what about others?
and so mayn times after they are done with the item i will dispose it .
they are forbided cos. :" you miught not take caer of it "
or becuase " you take it for granted. "
and i am stopped not becuase i cant take care of it ,o r that i take it for granted. but becuase ITS EXPENSIVE
you mean other material thngs are not expensive?
she was hesitant to even give me a beauty product cos it was "expensive"
wth?? and itsl ike ten times less expensive than other things.
or even for me to straighten my hair?!??????????! expensive?!!!?!??!?!
even activation of the auto raoaming ,, i have to run that errand and call up the people and run tothe seven elevens to pay the bill.. .. nad i also get nagged at cos my sister did not call my mom ? AND then for the few days just cos my mom is at a bad mood cos of not being called, then she is upset, and when iw ant to go out she is not happy ;; - -
i am sick of it!! i alwys have to look out for her welfare and i cant do what i want for msyself. without being stopped. or being , judged or ,, whatever and she even forbids me to have my current friends?! wth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and all she cares about is that she is lonely.
lonely lonel y lonely
YOU dont think i am lonely also?
nothing i own is ever mine,
no characteristic i have is ever ACCEPTED
nothing ever. not even the clothes i wear
even when i played a piano piece when i was 12 nad others saID " when u play it its like .....____ not like your sisters right, when she plays it its not like that" ..........
or when i learnt a new song and i let her hear it , she goes " i think i prefer the other"
why must evetryone mention what they PREFEREwhy cant they appreciate whtat is in front of their very eyes?
no. they must compare me. compare me compare me.
for now i am not even interested in BEING anymore
i dont care
no but who cares about acceptance right
i dont want to care anymore
do you not htink i want a designer everything also?
do you not htink i want to just ditch everytihng to someone else. and let them clear the mess for me.
do you not think i want smooth hands for i clean my own space
or have to take care of myself since 10
i am slipping back into this state of BLAMING other people
but i am so angry...........................................
i got out of this phase before and now i am getting back into this.
from a point of blaming other people and being bitter
into accepting that this is the situation and that i will just be happy with it.
and now i am back to where i was again.
its so easy to put the blame on other people....
its so hard to keep otu of it . to just deal with the situtaiton
but no one understnads how hard it is to always deal with everything alone.
alone alone alone alone.
and the worst of all is that
even though you know its so blatent
you not me so blatently and yet you choose not to reveal youreslf so blatently to me ? if u know that iam deaf then why not u show youself to me?
i am so angry,
i seeked but i could not find
why?
i asked and i was not answered.
why?
i prayed and i was not answered.
why?
when others are so undeserving and they get it ! why
dont i understand
i dont have a good mind a good brain a good everything and everything i can do is our of hard hard hard hard work
no and even as a sicentist i dont think this is my dream is it ??
is it not ?
and i cant even answer the questions i post to myself.
the fudenamental questions
what am i like ?
i dont think i believe
i dont think i belive,
i think i just chose to believe bcause i thought everyone else believed.
no but i hav nver SEEN
i have never experienced
never never never
i dnot have any real interests
i dont have any talent
i dont haev any charactersitic of my own
yeah maybe one now
i want to COMPLAIN
i want to push the blame
i want to.
I CHOOSE to
i am so sick of having to accept the responsibility or everyhting else that is not mine,. its not !!!!!
i am nothing,.
freaking cupboard. its not even mine,
its not even mine
and i have to clean it
and i bleed i clean it , i get bruised and scratched
and what its not even mwhat i wanted . i was given this cos why"? the one i wanted was " expensive"
what is expensive? its just comparative only what.
stop comparing meeee!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH
'
i may probably sound immature right now,
i admit it ! i MAN UP! i take responsibilty that i am sounding immature,
but its ok right, i mean when i die, people dont rememeber me for complainng this time,. they remember me for what i do in my life time
i will get over it . i know it .
i will eget over it alone again as usual
alone alone alone.
maybe a story i will live is that of hardwork and peserverance. hard work to overcome my own barriers.
everyhting else.
work even harder to do things decently, and then be compared and put down
whatever man
angry.
what we could have been, 12:33 AM.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
prolly writing this at this time would not be so good,
sometimes we just want to leave our hurt or whatever just buried somewhere in there, just so unwilling to take it out, why so? we dont really wanna cry, we dont wanna be judged for it by sharing, we dont want this, we dont want that . But, well u gotta get it out, ii;m feeling fine for now, prolly at the end of this, i would feel pretty crappy. i guess.
so lets see,,, , what has been bothering me?
seriously, as for the issue of self esteem, its always been there, just somewhere buried in there, adn when the school term begins, it just gets set aside, which is totally cool by the wawy. but during holz like rightn ow, it gets worst sometimes, becusae i have more time to think about it . Self esteem , ,, perhaps its just that i get shaken too easily, self esteem ( not my physical looks u ___) in the sense that i dont know myself very much. . what i want or whatever. which pisses me off sometimes,Especially when it cmoes to pursuging whatever in life. i just, ,.. . am not too excited abotu it .sometimes i go yeh i am apursuing a science degree.. . and people give the D: look! which,, really just cna dampen it for me, iguess if its totally your passion , you woulld not be so shaken by what others say .u know what i mean? so pehrpaps soemtiesm i just suspect that, i could have chosen this course narrowmindedly. now i wouldn;t say what exactly. but u get my point. Sure this course is so interesting,, and whoa , it really opens up my mind to a lot of stuff. haha,, ,
secodnly, its just that, it annoys me so damn much when i am playing a piece or wtv. and people go YEH its not my taste. WTH how come people cannot live in the moment? i mean,, why do they always have to relate it to themselves? its very,,,,,,,,,, self centered. or why do they have to freaking compareeeeeeeeeeeeee to other freaking people ? piss off man .ITS A NICE SONG , so why dont they appreciate it ? they HAVE to say like " oh i prefer the other piece ( which was obviously played by someone else) .but duh its a different setting, piece , style altogher right....... man! or worst still is when they say things like YEH she plays better than you right!?!!?!? DUH LAHHHHHHHHH OK I GET IT I AM NOT GRADE XYZ....................... - - can you at least applaud my freaking effort. damn.
싸때기대린다...seriously..............
ok perhaps my examples are not concrete. sounds immature? but , its difficult to put it down in words soetmiesm.
EQ PEOPLE EQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
damn it ,and to think people spoke to me like that when i was THIRTEEN?? wth, peopel seriously should stop being so,, ___ ,, quite dredatory for kids sometimes. Which reminds me , when isee people talking to me 13 year old cousins like WHOA~~~~~~~ YOU DID THIS ... ignorance they say! GOODNESS open your eyes please. and i wonder, man they are talking to them like they are 5 ,,, when i was 13 people spoke to me as if i was ... how cnat explain.. just nothing like THAT. hahaha,.. not that i am jealous. just that when i see it now, i realised that MAN , thats not how one should be treated when they are 13. haha,,
mannnnnnn
i pray for a dream
i PRAY For a dream
i pray for a dream
st 2010? man i dont know ! hahahaha
do you think i am up to it ? i think i can, but !! mannnnnnn i just hope i am not wrong about it
God please answer my prayers..............
i dont htink i wanna dig up any other stuff, cos there is just too much coming outttttt and it makes me feel like crap really.
school is such a depressing place sometimes. i went back today and this sudden DRAIN of energy out of me , and i feel so ______________________________ , sucks the life out of me really.
o its late.
just~~ sleep.
gotta go stock up clothingggggggggggggggggggg
MAN why are white clothes so hard to find!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes we just want to leave our hurt or whatever just buried somewhere in there, just so unwilling to take it out, why so? we dont really wanna cry, we dont wanna be judged for it by sharing, we dont want this, we dont want that . But, well u gotta get it out, ii;m feeling fine for now, prolly at the end of this, i would feel pretty crappy. i guess.
so lets see,,, , what has been bothering me?
seriously, as for the issue of self esteem, its always been there, just somewhere buried in there, adn when the school term begins, it just gets set aside, which is totally cool by the wawy. but during holz like rightn ow, it gets worst sometimes, becusae i have more time to think about it . Self esteem , ,, perhaps its just that i get shaken too easily, self esteem ( not my physical looks u ___) in the sense that i dont know myself very much. . what i want or whatever. which pisses me off sometimes,Especially when it cmoes to pursuging whatever in life. i just, ,.. . am not too excited abotu it .sometimes i go yeh i am apursuing a science degree.. . and people give the D: look! which,, really just cna dampen it for me, iguess if its totally your passion , you woulld not be so shaken by what others say .u know what i mean? so pehrpaps soemtiesm i just suspect that, i could have chosen this course narrowmindedly. now i wouldn;t say what exactly. but u get my point. Sure this course is so interesting,, and whoa , it really opens up my mind to a lot of stuff. haha,, ,
secodnly, its just that, it annoys me so damn much when i am playing a piece or wtv. and people go YEH its not my taste. WTH how come people cannot live in the moment? i mean,, why do they always have to relate it to themselves? its very,,,,,,,,,, self centered. or why do they have to freaking compareeeeeeeeeeeeee to other freaking people ? piss off man .ITS A NICE SONG , so why dont they appreciate it ? they HAVE to say like " oh i prefer the other piece ( which was obviously played by someone else) .but duh its a different setting, piece , style altogher right....... man! or worst still is when they say things like YEH she plays better than you right!?!!?!? DUH LAHHHHHHHHH OK I GET IT I AM NOT GRADE XYZ....................... - - can you at least applaud my freaking effort. damn.
싸때기대린다...seriously..............
ok perhaps my examples are not concrete. sounds immature? but , its difficult to put it down in words soetmiesm.
EQ PEOPLE EQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
damn it ,and to think people spoke to me like that when i was THIRTEEN?? wth, peopel seriously should stop being so,, ___ ,, quite dredatory for kids sometimes. Which reminds me , when isee people talking to me 13 year old cousins like WHOA~~~~~~~ YOU DID THIS ... ignorance they say! GOODNESS open your eyes please. and i wonder, man they are talking to them like they are 5 ,,, when i was 13 people spoke to me as if i was ... how cnat explain.. just nothing like THAT. hahaha,.. not that i am jealous. just that when i see it now, i realised that MAN , thats not how one should be treated when they are 13. haha,,
mannnnnnn
i pray for a dream
i PRAY For a dream
i pray for a dream
st 2010? man i dont know ! hahahaha
do you think i am up to it ? i think i can, but !! mannnnnnn i just hope i am not wrong about it
God please answer my prayers..............
i dont htink i wanna dig up any other stuff, cos there is just too much coming outttttt and it makes me feel like crap really.
school is such a depressing place sometimes. i went back today and this sudden DRAIN of energy out of me , and i feel so ______________________________ , sucks the life out of me really.
o its late.
just~~ sleep.
gotta go stock up clothingggggggggggggggggggg
MAN why are white clothes so hard to find!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what we could have been, 10:09 AM.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
today the keys are so heavy...
i have so many things to say, but i always end off my sentences saying that its nothing,,
but why like this right?
becuase ,sometimes when you think about it, you just realise that all these problems you have is really trivial, and thaht there is no point talking about it sometimes. . hahaha,, so just,, brush it off with a smile. a laugh, a giggle. becuase all these things are really, just,, dumb, and temporaryl. no point right?
haha
acutally i am pretty sad,, but about what? haha when you think about it, its trivial,, but when u describe something, it must be compared to something else first right. so don;t compare.. but of course what i am comparing is nothing material, for material needs were never really the upmost importance in my life.
today even my teacher says that the sogns i play sound so sad, haha, music really expresses huh haha
well this holiday,i will spend it well : ) i will learn this song : D hahahaha before christmas!!!
KKKKK~~ you are strong, and you will be better : )
i have so many things to say, but i always end off my sentences saying that its nothing,,
but why like this right?
becuase ,sometimes when you think about it, you just realise that all these problems you have is really trivial, and thaht there is no point talking about it sometimes. . hahaha,, so just,, brush it off with a smile. a laugh, a giggle. becuase all these things are really, just,, dumb, and temporaryl. no point right?
haha
acutally i am pretty sad,, but about what? haha when you think about it, its trivial,, but when u describe something, it must be compared to something else first right. so don;t compare.. but of course what i am comparing is nothing material, for material needs were never really the upmost importance in my life.
today even my teacher says that the sogns i play sound so sad, haha, music really expresses huh haha
well this holiday,i will spend it well : ) i will learn this song : D hahahaha before christmas!!!
KKKKK~~ you are strong, and you will be better : )
what we could have been, 8:53 AM.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
the exams are finally over, and i can say that I SURVIVED first sem, almost there, just the results, thats another story itself.
but oh wow, sutdying for these exams was definitely, ,, lets see you can call me pimple face of the month. haha kinda excruciating. i think i did my best for all ,, but the last papaer, which was math was quite bad.. haha, damn,, never really felt so lost for math before.. : ( but its ok~
dumb dumb dumb,
ohwell,
i am not as psyched as i tot i would be, lol
shutup....i am just gonna haha clean my room : )
hahahha
but oh wow, sutdying for these exams was definitely, ,, lets see you can call me pimple face of the month. haha kinda excruciating. i think i did my best for all ,, but the last papaer, which was math was quite bad.. haha, damn,, never really felt so lost for math before.. : ( but its ok~
dumb dumb dumb,
ohwell,
i am not as psyched as i tot i would be, lol
shutup....i am just gonna haha clean my room : )
hahahha
what we could have been, 5:32 AM.
