Tuesday, December 29, 2009
becuase i am bitter,
i am angry
perhaps its becuase i never really knew my self well enough
so polarisable . so easily shaken and waverd.
irritating.
that i am so easily influenced by my siblings
like how i couldnt pose for a picture without being mimicked?
or everything i do has to be commented with a personal : i dont do such things becuase ;. .. . .
does it always have to be about you you you?
no!
and now its ok for them to pose happily. or say TAKE a pic of me !!!!! when i was being juged when i said " take a pictuer of me "
and now its ok for them to say TAKE A PICTUER FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i dont even care. i dont even want to check a picutre i just took to see if i look fucking ugly in it or not.
i dont want to care . why does one care anyway. becuase why.all these pictuers are jjust temporary anyway it does not matter doesnt it .
i am so irritated
my mom is irritated with my sisters and i will get the !@#!@#!@
and then, when my sister wants something , something expensive, immediately, its a YES ok i will give it to you and the only obkjection is that you might take it for granted hence NO,,,
what about me ?!?! i never spent on anything expensive,
everytime i buy something or do something , the first comment ever is always ways "expensive"
or even wen i want to take up some lessons or whatever, the first comment is " expensive", nad not becuase iwil ltake it for granted or wtv reasons.
but everything else for my sisters? ? ? ITS "OK" ! its not "expensive"
inever spend much from my mom what, i never requested anything expensive
and the resaons i am forbided to do something is, EXPENSIVE
what about others?
and so mayn times after they are done with the item i will dispose it .
they are forbided cos. :" you miught not take caer of it "
or becuase " you take it for granted. "
and i am stopped not becuase i cant take care of it ,o r that i take it for granted. but becuase ITS EXPENSIVE
you mean other material thngs are not expensive?
she was hesitant to even give me a beauty product cos it was "expensive"
wth?? and itsl ike ten times less expensive than other things.
or even for me to straighten my hair?!??????????! expensive?!!!?!??!?!
even activation of the auto raoaming ,, i have to run that errand and call up the people and run tothe seven elevens to pay the bill.. .. nad i also get nagged at cos my sister did not call my mom ? AND then for the few days just cos my mom is at a bad mood cos of not being called, then she is upset, and when iw ant to go out she is not happy ;; - -
i am sick of it!! i alwys have to look out for her welfare and i cant do what i want for msyself. without being stopped. or being , judged or ,, whatever and she even forbids me to have my current friends?! wth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and all she cares about is that she is lonely.
lonely lonel y lonely
YOU dont think i am lonely also?
nothing i own is ever mine,
no characteristic i have is ever ACCEPTED
nothing ever. not even the clothes i wear
even when i played a piano piece when i was 12 nad others saID " when u play it its like .....____ not like your sisters right, when she plays it its not like that" ..........
or when i learnt a new song and i let her hear it , she goes " i think i prefer the other"
why must evetryone mention what they PREFEREwhy cant they appreciate whtat is in front of their very eyes?
no. they must compare me. compare me compare me.
for now i am not even interested in BEING anymore
i dont care
no but who cares about acceptance right
i dont want to care anymore
do you not htink i want a designer everything also?
do you not htink i want to just ditch everytihng to someone else. and let them clear the mess for me.
do you not think i want smooth hands for i clean my own space
or have to take care of myself since 10
i am slipping back into this state of BLAMING other people
but i am so angry...........................................
i got out of this phase before and now i am getting back into this.
from a point of blaming other people and being bitter
into accepting that this is the situation and that i will just be happy with it.
and now i am back to where i was again.
its so easy to put the blame on other people....
its so hard to keep otu of it . to just deal with the situtaiton
but no one understnads how hard it is to always deal with everything alone.
alone alone alone alone.
and the worst of all is that
even though you know its so blatent
you not me so blatently and yet you choose not to reveal youreslf so blatently to me ? if u know that iam deaf then why not u show youself to me?
i am so angry,
i seeked but i could not find
why?
i asked and i was not answered.
why?
i prayed and i was not answered.
why?
when others are so undeserving and they get it ! why
dont i understand
i dont have a good mind a good brain a good everything and everything i can do is our of hard hard hard hard work
no and even as a sicentist i dont think this is my dream is it ??
is it not ?
and i cant even answer the questions i post to myself.
the fudenamental questions
what am i like ?
i dont think i believe
i dont think i belive,
i think i just chose to believe bcause i thought everyone else believed.
no but i hav nver SEEN
i have never experienced
never never never
i dnot have any real interests
i dont have any talent
i dont haev any charactersitic of my own
yeah maybe one now
i want to COMPLAIN
i want to push the blame
i want to.
I CHOOSE to
i am so sick of having to accept the responsibility or everyhting else that is not mine,. its not !!!!!
i am nothing,.
freaking cupboard. its not even mine,
its not even mine
and i have to clean it
and i bleed i clean it , i get bruised and scratched
and what its not even mwhat i wanted . i was given this cos why"? the one i wanted was " expensive"
what is expensive? its just comparative only what.
stop comparing meeee!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH
'
i may probably sound immature right now,
i admit it ! i MAN UP! i take responsibilty that i am sounding immature,
but its ok right, i mean when i die, people dont rememeber me for complainng this time,. they remember me for what i do in my life time
i will get over it . i know it .
i will eget over it alone again as usual
alone alone alone.
maybe a story i will live is that of hardwork and peserverance. hard work to overcome my own barriers.
everyhting else.
work even harder to do things decently, and then be compared and put down
whatever man
angry.
i am angry
perhaps its becuase i never really knew my self well enough
so polarisable . so easily shaken and waverd.
irritating.
that i am so easily influenced by my siblings
like how i couldnt pose for a picture without being mimicked?
or everything i do has to be commented with a personal : i dont do such things becuase ;. .. . .
does it always have to be about you you you?
no!
and now its ok for them to pose happily. or say TAKE a pic of me !!!!! when i was being juged when i said " take a pictuer of me "
and now its ok for them to say TAKE A PICTUER FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i dont even care. i dont even want to check a picutre i just took to see if i look fucking ugly in it or not.
i dont want to care . why does one care anyway. becuase why.all these pictuers are jjust temporary anyway it does not matter doesnt it .
i am so irritated
my mom is irritated with my sisters and i will get the !@#!@#!@
and then, when my sister wants something , something expensive, immediately, its a YES ok i will give it to you and the only obkjection is that you might take it for granted hence NO,,,
what about me ?!?! i never spent on anything expensive,
everytime i buy something or do something , the first comment ever is always ways "expensive"
or even wen i want to take up some lessons or whatever, the first comment is " expensive", nad not becuase iwil ltake it for granted or wtv reasons.
but everything else for my sisters? ? ? ITS "OK" ! its not "expensive"
inever spend much from my mom what, i never requested anything expensive
and the resaons i am forbided to do something is, EXPENSIVE
what about others?
and so mayn times after they are done with the item i will dispose it .
they are forbided cos. :" you miught not take caer of it "
or becuase " you take it for granted. "
and i am stopped not becuase i cant take care of it ,o r that i take it for granted. but becuase ITS EXPENSIVE
you mean other material thngs are not expensive?
she was hesitant to even give me a beauty product cos it was "expensive"
wth?? and itsl ike ten times less expensive than other things.
or even for me to straighten my hair?!??????????! expensive?!!!?!??!?!
even activation of the auto raoaming ,, i have to run that errand and call up the people and run tothe seven elevens to pay the bill.. .. nad i also get nagged at cos my sister did not call my mom ? AND then for the few days just cos my mom is at a bad mood cos of not being called, then she is upset, and when iw ant to go out she is not happy ;; - -
i am sick of it!! i alwys have to look out for her welfare and i cant do what i want for msyself. without being stopped. or being , judged or ,, whatever and she even forbids me to have my current friends?! wth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and all she cares about is that she is lonely.
lonely lonel y lonely
YOU dont think i am lonely also?
nothing i own is ever mine,
no characteristic i have is ever ACCEPTED
nothing ever. not even the clothes i wear
even when i played a piano piece when i was 12 nad others saID " when u play it its like .....____ not like your sisters right, when she plays it its not like that" ..........
or when i learnt a new song and i let her hear it , she goes " i think i prefer the other"
why must evetryone mention what they PREFEREwhy cant they appreciate whtat is in front of their very eyes?
no. they must compare me. compare me compare me.
for now i am not even interested in BEING anymore
i dont care
no but who cares about acceptance right
i dont want to care anymore
do you not htink i want a designer everything also?
do you not htink i want to just ditch everytihng to someone else. and let them clear the mess for me.
do you not think i want smooth hands for i clean my own space
or have to take care of myself since 10
i am slipping back into this state of BLAMING other people
but i am so angry...........................................
i got out of this phase before and now i am getting back into this.
from a point of blaming other people and being bitter
into accepting that this is the situation and that i will just be happy with it.
and now i am back to where i was again.
its so easy to put the blame on other people....
its so hard to keep otu of it . to just deal with the situtaiton
but no one understnads how hard it is to always deal with everything alone.
alone alone alone alone.
and the worst of all is that
even though you know its so blatent
you not me so blatently and yet you choose not to reveal youreslf so blatently to me ? if u know that iam deaf then why not u show youself to me?
i am so angry,
i seeked but i could not find
why?
i asked and i was not answered.
why?
i prayed and i was not answered.
why?
when others are so undeserving and they get it ! why
dont i understand
i dont have a good mind a good brain a good everything and everything i can do is our of hard hard hard hard work
no and even as a sicentist i dont think this is my dream is it ??
is it not ?
and i cant even answer the questions i post to myself.
the fudenamental questions
what am i like ?
i dont think i believe
i dont think i belive,
i think i just chose to believe bcause i thought everyone else believed.
no but i hav nver SEEN
i have never experienced
never never never
i dnot have any real interests
i dont have any talent
i dont haev any charactersitic of my own
yeah maybe one now
i want to COMPLAIN
i want to push the blame
i want to.
I CHOOSE to
i am so sick of having to accept the responsibility or everyhting else that is not mine,. its not !!!!!
i am nothing,.
freaking cupboard. its not even mine,
its not even mine
and i have to clean it
and i bleed i clean it , i get bruised and scratched
and what its not even mwhat i wanted . i was given this cos why"? the one i wanted was " expensive"
what is expensive? its just comparative only what.
stop comparing meeee!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH
'
i may probably sound immature right now,
i admit it ! i MAN UP! i take responsibilty that i am sounding immature,
but its ok right, i mean when i die, people dont rememeber me for complainng this time,. they remember me for what i do in my life time
i will get over it . i know it .
i will eget over it alone again as usual
alone alone alone.
maybe a story i will live is that of hardwork and peserverance. hard work to overcome my own barriers.
everyhting else.
work even harder to do things decently, and then be compared and put down
whatever man
angry.
what we could have been, 12:33 AM.
