aiya so sad
its the night
which is great cos its way way cooler than it is in the day
the humid hot weather is a killer really
makes me really restless






i am going to stop talking in incomplete sentences and stop the HAHA-ing .
i am going to eb serious and take charge of everything
i am going to exercise daily and revise daily.




theres something abotu the night
u just study in the stillness
people making silent prayers,
people embasking in the presence of the stillness
you feel less alone becuase
you know that you are alone because you chose to be alone,
that is , that you cant be with people because everynoe is sleeping.

unlike the day,

i am alone well becuase
i am alone,






stop the self pity
just stop. babo


hhh sutdy!
midnight study FTW!

sigh
damn sad
i ahte it that i am so easily affected

STOP ITTTTTTTTTT

freeze my heart at one point
i dont wish to feel anything,

i always struggle with,,
loneliness
i geuss thats about it ,








sigh when i become so accquainted with, your,,,
being, and so accquainted with your being around
a touch, a consenting nod, bright eyed and smile : ) and a friendly wave.
i hope for more of it
i wish for more of it
foro a sudden feeling of acceptance
of being good enough
good enough to be a friend
good enough to be a listener
good enough to be a companion
make me feel good enough,
to be accepted.















ALEVEL results are cmoing out
makes me excited too!! cos i can see peoeple making important decisions!
awesome and most importantly if i am going to change my major or anyhting, t his is the time to do it, so i am still praying about it !!










anyways enough rubbish !

so hard
so painful
so excruciating
i wanna scream i wanna die

so hard
so painful
so excruciating
i wanna scream i wanna die

i;m going to die
what is wrong, now

that i am unsure about my own salvation
unsure about everything,
what is this about my blindness





this is so hard
i think i am gonna die
its so hard to not succumb



freakign tough







so so so so bloody tough








why why why no answer
how how how to get an answer?







its not that i am unwilling
its freaking not,





aiya i want to cry and slepe 24/7
some days i just feel like i dont exist
i am merely a carbon compound,
an organism part of a community
i am juust an insignificant compound.

make me walk backwards and wander into space
fall back and i still know that i am safe
just looking aside and a thought makes me smile



just a phrase, a word just one request
it;ll be done









haha ok i need to study

help me concentrate!!

emo one corner




its so strange how
every day i can be so depressed before i go out and meet people
and after meeting people i feel happy and i can spontaneously smile :)


yeah so please hug me kiss me smile at me when you see me becuase it makes me happy, haha and i wont feel so sad all the time, haha



this is how wonderful being around people is, there is no need or no time to feel sad.





why feel sad?
hahahah i also dont know







fish paste, haha
lots of stuff to throw away
lots of new info to download into my brain software
time to upgrade my brain software
time to change my closet too! haha




下起雨也要勇敢前進


ok just work bloody hard now and dont desire for a latter pathway yet,
just , focus, and do bloody well, then i can heck about it later.h ha






the thing about desires
i keep focusing my time on thinking about them that, ive wasted way too much time














dear God, please take away these desires,






what are questions without answers?
focus u stupid girl
just, focus,

i;ve got to be saved
ive got got to be saved

i am going to die
die die die die
DIE

my heart is sinking deeper in


is it me that always takes self pity on myself
that i am actually just not being thankful for the things that i alerady have



one way you look at it, sometimes we think that we deserve more than that, but no the other hand, there are something we don't even deserve.





when i look at it, i walys feel that eVERYONE deserves it. everyone has it, but me. BUT is it that i am just obliviant even though its staring straight at me in the face ? .





i felt quite angry today,
its a rare occurence i guess,
i dont normally get angry, unless its regarding - ultimate questions -
even if i do get angry ,its easy to make it up to me, i;ll laugh within seconds,


how many of your very own "good friends " can tell you this characteristic about yourself. ,, you wonder,





this is not my place,,
no this is not what i had in my mind,
not this restricted life,
not anything





i feel like i am losing interest in whatever i am doing,
i am so dead at this rate;




T_T.


i just need another living organism to interact with me
social deficit,
aye;;;





can you see the frustration that is burning within me ,
this impatience, the desperation,
its getting riddiculous
and 6 blimming long years is long enough







ITS ME;; its me
i know there must be a problem lying somewhere , how am i supposed to know what is it ?










i wanna die
pelase kill me

the lips of a hypocrite



that of a hypocrite




how foolish
how insensitive.







: (
i don';t really know what i am doing
hua xue hua xue hua xue,
you sure or not,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
haaha





God wot is this,,,,,,,,,

wow

i;ve always been alone
so , having people being nice to me, thats just ,, really.. something very different.






the very fact that people do ask you out and want to spend time with you, it shows that u are valued some way or another , fun to be with,, or anything else along that line,




its inevitable sometimes that we feel very dependent on such evidences to show or prove our popularity. or worth as friends. but yes, the sad truth is that it is.




i;m so not used to that, but i am not complaining about it i am just curious why someone suddenly finds value in this friendship i hav with them .

haha



ask me out so that i feel more worthy leh,


i;m just kidding.



hahaha










wow when i remember all the things i hav always imagined to hav or to do,,,,when i was younger i always wow, wen i remember it i always wonder,, wow, how awesome,
and what a far cry is it from where i am right now, hahaha







haha aiyo enough day dreaming la ahha

lab lab lab report to do,

haha
so many things~



one thing i want to get is that sakura scented perfume and body lotion from the body shop!! hahaha,,, girly~







oh well
LOTS OF STUFF! to do today.
hahaha
LATER!

hasn;t it been blatent
that the one thing that my thoughts have always revolved around
is just one tihng,
just one thing


aiyooooooo
haha
sometimes i just want to give up and i ofen just shove it aside and be busy







haha
nothing much
much has changed
there is no point in recording because ,
u live!
haha





doing org chem homework! HAHA









: )
i am going to stop basing my security on such things that don;t last








you know drugs?
they are interesting things
they make you happy and yet are not good for you mentally physically emotionally
people know that its not good, but they still take it .






wots your drug?













ok i am gonna start dreaming
dreaming such big things
~~~

ahahaha





my legs hav been itching like !@#!@#! for the past few days
very sad : ( because my legs are my only assest. hahaha the only thing that has been visually OK and now they are becoming increasingly SCARRED by scabs and scratches and now its itching like mad ; its abrasions everywhere


very trivial and bimbotic but wtv .
so sad : (





haha i finally have the best cutting i want to make so now i am gonna find nice materials and start my projects during my holidays : ) ~



HEHEHEHE : )



oh well
gotta learn how to be selfless
hahaha





GOD BRING ME THROUGH
this, loneliness. this hecticness this life.,
save me please






i rather choose to be al one then to know that i am really alone,





wtv to the world,

could i say that 2009 was extremely fleeting.


could i say that i have so many secrets that i did not tell anyone


could i say that i have changed drastically that, i dont know of people saw


could i say that i am still facing some nitty gritty problems which i always try to get over.

could i say that there are so many little nuances which bother me ,and i always brush it off , haha with much difficulty.

could i say that i feel like 2009 didn;t really exist, that when i was 19 i never really lived.




i did so much stuff in 2009, i sewed my own stuff, i made a big decision for myself. i worked, i actually bought things for myself i learnt japanese LOL i made new friends and ,,,, miuch more,


but somehow all these things just zipped byy,
haha




i really believe that this year is a year in which i want to be more involved in other people;s lives.
that i dont wish to be a passing someone,
i dont want to be alone so much


i am always alone, i dont know why,
or is it just that i keep telling myself that i am . ?
but i am going to change that,
i hope by just changing the way i do things,
hahah


a lot of things.



i must do something different
SOMETHING different!

i beleive its going to be good.
GOOD : )

i;m too pissed with myself
for being so impatient with myself.
so childish in my behaviour


but its becaues i am so impatient with my learning
perhaps its becuase i am quite slow when it comes to certain things






don't wait for me ,why becuase i am not a good friend
don't include me , why becusae i am not an interesting person


becasue i am always so uncertain.











if we are people who are being entrusted with important things
shouldn;t we not just take things for it being IT
and shouldn;t we push the boundaries? and not just take the answer for it ,





growing up i never really picked answers most commonly picked
the first i ever discovered was when the teacher said " which shepherd looks like he is going to reach the DEAD end" , which obviously in the piece of puzzle, which is a maze whereby you use the pencil and lead it to the sheep, and ,,,, there were two shepherds drawn. one in bright purple coat which had this obvious splash of " PICK ME " kind of thing. whereeas the other was a dull brown coloured shepherd.. and obviously everyone else picked the purple one, and only i picked the brown one.


what does this show
do i try to be different all the time?
why do people always do the safe things,, and just becsue it always shows the accepted answer AT THAT TIMe.and is always proven to be correct.
but anwyay so what if i chose an alternate answer,, its wrong!
act smart is it ?








inside my mind i am so simple.
and to be extremely honest, i am not even smart.
i never thought ten years ago, that i would be in such a niche course.
The girl who JUST PASSED math in primary four,
the girl who JUST passed everything.
the girl who scored < 200 for PSLE
whe girl who said that the potato is not a root.




coming to this place here,
where people can tell you the most blatent answers in the face about things they knew just sometime earlier to life. but what about me, the girl who doesn;t even know anything like that.







it is not stupidity.
it is just that they were exposed to these knowledge at a very young age.
certainly if iwas exposed to the same things wehn i was younger i would have known too.

Facts. why do people become proud after they know FACTS.
don't look at me with eyes of contempt just becasue i ask questions.

just because the young boy can remember many things at a young age does it show that he is smart ? or just that he has a good memory.

















What is this purpose of me studying this thing, thing thing

for certain things i canont accept.
for certain things my brain tends to overthink


ah...

why am i here anyway
just a question book for everything?


This is why i dont even intend to become a teacher
for one thing which is that i have more questions for every answer i give.





I wonder of God;s plans.
what is the purpose?
am i in the wrong place now
its not too late for me to change.
its not too late.


what is my purpose here
hahah
what hav i learnt so far
that your tears are actually powerful substances that can KILL bacteria. LOL















i am learning to accept.


but dumbass
the last person whom you should ever allow to look down on you is YOU yourself!










grace peace and PATIENCE.
let it become of me .

enough nonsense
enough of all that


just enough


haha i am taking charge of everything! haha

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