Monday, April 5, 2010
scardy cat,
i don;t feel any peace at all
this feeling of uncertainty really sucks
God please take it away!!!!
i always feel that i don't need people to care for me,
i mean, i am independent, and i can do thinggs for myself ,and after all i cannot really contribute to anyone or anything, ,so why should people care for me right? wait for me and everything,,,, pay for me,, ? buy for me,,,, ask me for my opinion... ACCOMPANY me,,,,,,,,.sometimes i thnik to myself;; why should people care for me ? i am perfectly flawed in every way, so mean sometimes
but htne i realisd that i always get annoyed when epopel don;t seemingly care for me ... and then i do speak in a way that seems as if they owe me something,,or i act and behave in a negative manner becuase i am pissed that no one cares for me. or at the fact that i feel that something is unjust,,,, unfair rather.. but people dont know what is it about.
i then feel bad,, and feel like no one can love me! and no one cares for me . i then blame myself thinking that becuae i am selfish,, becuase i do not let people love others. i cannot be ahppy that others are more . "well loved" than i am,, or that i cannt be happy because i am jealous, haha... yup i feel like i am selfish, then i feel "no wonder i shoudlnt be cared for."
super sian, i guess it boils down to me being selfish la, cannot behappy for others, or i just keep comparing? i dont know, i think i am just too mean thats why,
ic annot continue to repel people from my life right,i should not keep talking like they owe me something,
: (
i am so mean , i keep deterring my friends.
my heart wants to break,
i;m so strong headed at the same time i am so vulnerable.
sometimes friendships behave like a double edged sword.
pierces you so deeply in,, at the same time,, so nice and shiny, suave looking thing. very enjoyable...... haha, sometimes,.
well i cannot connect with anyone else in uni,
u wanna be my friend?
i am so dead
you know that feeling that you cannot die ,? God does not want me to die so early yet i guess, there is much i must accomplish for Him thats why,, if not he would have let me die early, haha i think i am too easily affected by what other people do,, perhaps that is why i am always so resistant to other people, i mean i am ok in a group ,, but i suck 1-1 .. cos,,sometimes ifeel like my life may not be worth sharing . so sianzed right i eman my life is about school, and nothing else.. ,,, perhaps that is why i dont erally want 1-1 friendships, i mean, being so totally vulnerable to it,, that just sucks,,,,,,, when i do open up,and i realise that someone else is shutting in,,, i am just so,,, afraid.
then sometimes u just wnat to forget everything and bury youreslf in school work,, haha,, just keep yourself busy". . vicious cycle..
perhaps this is the lesson i am to learn,,
that i should not let school just determine my life,,,
that people around me sohuld deserve better,, and they dont owe me anything,
that i shiould share more with them.
so much more,,but what else can i share?
what can i offer?
sometimes i want to just , cage myself up in a box.
perhaps sometiems we let the negative of friendships get in our way.. of enjoying the benefits of it . you know what i mean?
haha,, but no its not how we should deal with things
i guess i am just gonna take my time and learn how to do everything more lovingly...
if people do not want to accompany me, its ok : )~
if people do not wnat to be my friend, its ok,
if people cannot answer me, its ok: )
if people offend me ,, its ok! just tell them lovingly
becuase sometimes people do not know that they are mentioning something sensitive about you? and i get angry and tel them and they shun from me afterwards.
how crazy is that?
then this seperates your real friends.
sigh,, but one thing that really bugs me is a friendship that is neither here nor there.. i mean,, you can enjyo your time with them,, but at the same time they can just turn their back on you,, ,and then you feel so insecure,, did you do something wrong?,,, then when they come back to you then you feel like ,ok :) thats fnie,, nothing happened, but the whole process is so f@@@ scary . you dont know when they are going to ditch you,, you dont know when they are going to turn ytheir back on yo,, all that uncertainty thaty you were feeling whilst they were ignoring you,,
THE FEELING SUCKS.
something about having friends in christ...,, i am so blessed... it is that, there is this assurance that they are here for you, this assurance,, wow i cant explain that, i am so thankful for this..
oh God, please give me peace,, there are important things out there i need to focus on now,, ( studies -_- how typical) ,, at the same time, help me to deal things with love,, and patience. Change me.
i don;t feel any peace at all
this feeling of uncertainty really sucks
God please take it away!!!!
i always feel that i don't need people to care for me,
i mean, i am independent, and i can do thinggs for myself ,and after all i cannot really contribute to anyone or anything, ,so why should people care for me right? wait for me and everything,,,, pay for me,, ? buy for me,,,, ask me for my opinion... ACCOMPANY me,,,,,,,,.sometimes i thnik to myself;; why should people care for me ? i am perfectly flawed in every way, so mean sometimes
but htne i realisd that i always get annoyed when epopel don;t seemingly care for me ... and then i do speak in a way that seems as if they owe me something,,or i act and behave in a negative manner becuase i am pissed that no one cares for me. or at the fact that i feel that something is unjust,,,, unfair rather.. but people dont know what is it about.
i then feel bad,, and feel like no one can love me! and no one cares for me . i then blame myself thinking that becuae i am selfish,, becuase i do not let people love others. i cannot be ahppy that others are more . "well loved" than i am,, or that i cannt be happy because i am jealous, haha... yup i feel like i am selfish, then i feel "no wonder i shoudlnt be cared for."
super sian, i guess it boils down to me being selfish la, cannot behappy for others, or i just keep comparing? i dont know, i think i am just too mean thats why,
ic annot continue to repel people from my life right,i should not keep talking like they owe me something,
: (
i am so mean , i keep deterring my friends.
my heart wants to break,
i;m so strong headed at the same time i am so vulnerable.
sometimes friendships behave like a double edged sword.
pierces you so deeply in,, at the same time,, so nice and shiny, suave looking thing. very enjoyable...... haha, sometimes,.
well i cannot connect with anyone else in uni,
u wanna be my friend?
i am so dead
you know that feeling that you cannot die ,? God does not want me to die so early yet i guess, there is much i must accomplish for Him thats why,, if not he would have let me die early, haha i think i am too easily affected by what other people do,, perhaps that is why i am always so resistant to other people, i mean i am ok in a group ,, but i suck 1-1 .. cos,,sometimes ifeel like my life may not be worth sharing . so sianzed right i eman my life is about school, and nothing else.. ,,, perhaps that is why i dont erally want 1-1 friendships, i mean, being so totally vulnerable to it,, that just sucks,,,,,,, when i do open up,and i realise that someone else is shutting in,,, i am just so,,, afraid.
then sometimes u just wnat to forget everything and bury youreslf in school work,, haha,, just keep yourself busy". . vicious cycle..
perhaps this is the lesson i am to learn,,
that i should not let school just determine my life,,,
that people around me sohuld deserve better,, and they dont owe me anything,
that i shiould share more with them.
so much more,,but what else can i share?
what can i offer?
sometimes i want to just , cage myself up in a box.
perhaps sometiems we let the negative of friendships get in our way.. of enjoying the benefits of it . you know what i mean?
haha,, but no its not how we should deal with things
i guess i am just gonna take my time and learn how to do everything more lovingly...
if people do not want to accompany me, its ok : )~
if people do not wnat to be my friend, its ok,
if people cannot answer me, its ok: )
if people offend me ,, its ok! just tell them lovingly
becuase sometimes people do not know that they are mentioning something sensitive about you? and i get angry and tel them and they shun from me afterwards.
how crazy is that?
then this seperates your real friends.
sigh,, but one thing that really bugs me is a friendship that is neither here nor there.. i mean,, you can enjyo your time with them,, but at the same time they can just turn their back on you,, ,and then you feel so insecure,, did you do something wrong?,,, then when they come back to you then you feel like ,ok :) thats fnie,, nothing happened, but the whole process is so f@@@ scary . you dont know when they are going to ditch you,, you dont know when they are going to turn ytheir back on yo,, all that uncertainty thaty you were feeling whilst they were ignoring you,,
THE FEELING SUCKS.
something about having friends in christ...,, i am so blessed... it is that, there is this assurance that they are here for you, this assurance,, wow i cant explain that, i am so thankful for this..
oh God, please give me peace,, there are important things out there i need to focus on now,, ( studies -_- how typical) ,, at the same time, help me to deal things with love,, and patience. Change me.
what we could have been, 7:34 AM.
