Sunday, May 30, 2010
sometimes living with my mom is so psychologically tormenting,
sometimes i play those games too and its sick and draining beyond words and leads to no improvement, but the point of getting her angry sometimes makes me feel better, haha
i guess this is my way of being selfish sometimes, i know what makes her explode and everything, i know her full well and sometimes it can get quite irresistible when i want to hurt her the way she hurt me. i will consider this selfish behavior why because she osometimes makes me feel like a bad guy and then have a good time , and doesnt even give a shit that i feel like crap. i.e selfish becuse i dont want to let her be happy at the expense of mine. .
we know the outcome , it never ends up well
somehow the kind of things she can make me do when she is super depressed . like me interrogating my sisters becasuse i just cannot takei t . like why they never do this do that, blah blah i can be even bitchier beyond that. i describe this as the stockholm syndrome. why does she base her happiness on mE? ALONE? , when i am super depressed , there is no one at home for me to shareeeeeee feeligns with, kns and the only way i can get feedback or advice is that i must spontaneously share my feelings with people whom i may not even know. its crazy , if i do not otwardly express these feelings there are no other avenues for me to vent them and then i would def lose my sanity.
when i ma upset she gets upset at me for being upset. simple things like that. heee she threatens to jump off a building becuase i am not on good terms with her. she threatens me with her blood pressure when i simply didnt do anything.
haha evil me, i know how to trigger all these things, what makes her threaten me with her blood pressure, i know what makes her snap,scream shrilly that easily trumps an opera house singer. everything. ia m super temtped to do them sometimes but at the same time i cannot do that, i know it is wrong , it should never even pose as an option for me,.
it gets me to angry sometiemes i want to beat someone up.,understatement i should say. bloody angry. then i just imagine some violent scenes in my mind and get over it .
damn it .
then comes friends, because i dont have many and there is no one quite like minded like me. .hee and so i dont really share my real problems with anyone because everyone is just too far away or too busy to listen to them. let alone family members.
angsty little me.
oh well ,
about doing other things, i guess thigns are going to be fine
just gotta learn how to give out instructions and make people freaking LISTEN to me,
i think i always forget the kind of POWER given to us by God.
exercise it .and stop being a victim
but aiya i am now still in a point whereby i feel that God forgets me,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,'
at the end of the day i still end with saying , i dont know lah.
zzzzzzz
angsty.
i am just damn angsty.
what we could have been, 9:04 AM.
