Thursday, September 30, 2010
dear blog,
i guess i am just, expecting too much of myself.
but sometimes if you dont push your limits you will never know
no doubt and i do not deny it
that i am pretty mundane,
school ,home then sleep.
saturday;s church, and sunday its family,
and pretty much i am alone every day,
don't have to mention about my LACK of social life.
am i a good girl?
yes i am, haha
but somehow i am still like some kind of small whiny kid,
which i realised myself slipping into nowadays, i dont know why
and its annoying, like X 10000 becuase i am already OLD and i should just shut up and deal with things
HAHA yeh i do deal with things, but with the whining too of course
gotta stop that, yep
haha
do you know why i whine?
well sometimes when we have a limitation , we could look at it and blame ourselves for it , a weakness so to say,
and for myself i wont deny saying that i keep telling myself that I AM REALLY SLOWwwwwwww slow slow slow, or that i keep having to work twice as hard as other people ,o r spend like almost twice the amount of time to get the same thing as other people.
but sometimes i forget to embrace my flaws and just move on frmo there, you know what i mean? somtimes forgetting that its a flaw and working around it makes it so much mrore bearable, and iekep forgetting that, instead i repeatedly tell myself that i have these flaws , , haha
this is the time i tell myeslf to shut up and just move on,
haha
they say that people normally lack love and social and oging to church does meet those needs ( fellowshipping with fellow members) .yeh i do feel like that sometimes cos i am almost like ALONE every single day.
i even stopped my piano classes
i don't give tuition
i don't really visit my dad every week
i don't really watch tv.
i only study when i need to,
i do my homework* try *
i go to church
sometimes i skip live group.
i don't even know how to drive
i don;t go out with my friends
so even though my activities are alsmot just ,EVERYTHING within my necessities, then why is it that i feel like time is running out all the time?
perhaps its cos i am so alone all the time,
or that i am spending my time alone that every time i have is ME time all the time,
yep i guess one of my greatest fears is to be old and lonely,
it is quite a disturbingn feeling
yet everyday somehow i feel that i am drawing closer to that kind of future
YEt i speak life into it .
haha recognizing this, i have decided to make the following amendments
1) Be nice and PRESENT to everyone around me ( keep having to remind myself this )
2) Not to make derogatory remarks about myself and not whine
3) study hard and not to take afternoon naps so often Haha......
with change comes prayer! :)
shuT up and start doing.
i guess i am just, expecting too much of myself.
but sometimes if you dont push your limits you will never know
no doubt and i do not deny it
that i am pretty mundane,
school ,home then sleep.
saturday;s church, and sunday its family,
and pretty much i am alone every day,
don't have to mention about my LACK of social life.
am i a good girl?
yes i am, haha
but somehow i am still like some kind of small whiny kid,
which i realised myself slipping into nowadays, i dont know why
and its annoying, like X 10000 becuase i am already OLD and i should just shut up and deal with things
HAHA yeh i do deal with things, but with the whining too of course
gotta stop that, yep
haha
do you know why i whine?
well sometimes when we have a limitation , we could look at it and blame ourselves for it , a weakness so to say,
and for myself i wont deny saying that i keep telling myself that I AM REALLY SLOWwwwwwww slow slow slow, or that i keep having to work twice as hard as other people ,o r spend like almost twice the amount of time to get the same thing as other people.
but sometimes i forget to embrace my flaws and just move on frmo there, you know what i mean? somtimes forgetting that its a flaw and working around it makes it so much mrore bearable, and iekep forgetting that, instead i repeatedly tell myself that i have these flaws , , haha
this is the time i tell myeslf to shut up and just move on,
haha
they say that people normally lack love and social and oging to church does meet those needs ( fellowshipping with fellow members) .yeh i do feel like that sometimes cos i am almost like ALONE every single day.
i even stopped my piano classes
i don't give tuition
i don't really visit my dad every week
i don't really watch tv.
i only study when i need to,
i do my homework* try *
i go to church
sometimes i skip live group.
i don't even know how to drive
i don;t go out with my friends
so even though my activities are alsmot just ,EVERYTHING within my necessities, then why is it that i feel like time is running out all the time?
perhaps its cos i am so alone all the time,
or that i am spending my time alone that every time i have is ME time all the time,
yep i guess one of my greatest fears is to be old and lonely,
it is quite a disturbingn feeling
yet everyday somehow i feel that i am drawing closer to that kind of future
YEt i speak life into it .
haha recognizing this, i have decided to make the following amendments
1) Be nice and PRESENT to everyone around me ( keep having to remind myself this )
2) Not to make derogatory remarks about myself and not whine
3) study hard and not to take afternoon naps so often Haha......
with change comes prayer! :)
shuT up and start doing.
what we could have been, 7:17 AM.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
i study hard blog,
i do study hard.
just that sometimes i am lazy.
and just that i enjoy sleep
and when i work hard sometimes i dont know if i worked hard enough,
God bring me out of this ,
i do study hard.
just that sometimes i am lazy.
and just that i enjoy sleep
and when i work hard sometimes i dont know if i worked hard enough,
God bring me out of this ,
what we could have been, 9:23 AM.
wei wei bu yao pa.
haha im partially surprised at my lack of calmness before exams,
and more so surprised that i have lasted TILL mid university. HAHA
ohman, haha
in year one your JC stuff could carry you through ,
but now , its all based on the uni1 stuff which you;d prolly forgotten over the summer! haha,
wow, and thats like, haha
and to add on, i am SLOW,
damn right i am, haha
but its ok ,
i;m just trying my best ok,
time is flying past too quickly
before i know it its daybreak,
and its dark, then its dark again
everyday i feel like i wake up to meet the ending time,
its a strange feelign of anxiety
next week is going to be xiong
tmr my test is gonna be at 12
wish me all the best,
haha im done by like 2. and then, yeh : )
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD i REALLY WANT TO DO WELL
this xin li zhang ai must be removed! i can do it
i studied and i did whatever i can alr. so
just do wahtever ican!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha im partially surprised at my lack of calmness before exams,
and more so surprised that i have lasted TILL mid university. HAHA
ohman, haha
in year one your JC stuff could carry you through ,
but now , its all based on the uni1 stuff which you;d prolly forgotten over the summer! haha,
wow, and thats like, haha
and to add on, i am SLOW,
damn right i am, haha
but its ok ,
i;m just trying my best ok,
time is flying past too quickly
before i know it its daybreak,
and its dark, then its dark again
everyday i feel like i wake up to meet the ending time,
its a strange feelign of anxiety
next week is going to be xiong
tmr my test is gonna be at 12
wish me all the best,
haha im done by like 2. and then, yeh : )
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD i REALLY WANT TO DO WELL
this xin li zhang ai must be removed! i can do it
i studied and i did whatever i can alr. so
just do wahtever ican!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what we could have been, 7:26 AM.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
dear blog
i think one of the best few things to ever exist is SLEEP<3
not that i am making small of every other complex organism or thing that has been created by God,
im not comparing to things like that
maybe comparing , would be comparing the things that i love to do,
yeh sleep definitely trumps all.
haha
sleeping allows me to go into this escapism mode, whereby
yes my bodily systems need REST so that i can continue,
sigh
ive not been able to REST well for the past few days
sigh
yes just let me dream about
i dont know, haha
sleep~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3
i think one of the best few things to ever exist is SLEEP<3
not that i am making small of every other complex organism or thing that has been created by God,
im not comparing to things like that
maybe comparing , would be comparing the things that i love to do,
yeh sleep definitely trumps all.
haha
sleeping allows me to go into this escapism mode, whereby
yes my bodily systems need REST so that i can continue,
sigh
ive not been able to REST well for the past few days
sigh
yes just let me dream about
i dont know, haha
sleep~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3
what we could have been, 5:31 AM.
Monday, September 27, 2010
hi blog
good mornign
im a awake now not because i studied till early morning
but cos i slept and woke up just to study,
haha
time flies, seriously
oh man before i know it i am back from school and back to this bloody textbook
: (
school is in 2 hours time
and um ,
yup i;ll be done by 10 am and prolly back in about 6 hours,
fast huh
hahaa
then ic an sleep <3: )
good mornign
im a awake now not because i studied till early morning
but cos i slept and woke up just to study,
haha
time flies, seriously
oh man before i know it i am back from school and back to this bloody textbook
: (
school is in 2 hours time
and um ,
yup i;ll be done by 10 am and prolly back in about 6 hours,
fast huh
hahaa
then ic an sleep <3: )
what we could have been, 3:08 PM.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Oh God
teach me ,
show me
and tell me
me me me ,
am i being self centered?
yes. perhaps yes pertaining to this matter.
Go on kaiqi,
dont stress out
just Do your best and whatever you can do.
: )
i;m sure you can
becuase you;ve also done it
and im sure you won't disappoint,
you;ve never disappointed at the very end
ending well and always impressive.
thats the way you;ve always finished
use it to turn it around.
turn it all around.
teach me ,
show me
and tell me
me me me ,
am i being self centered?
yes. perhaps yes pertaining to this matter.
Go on kaiqi,
dont stress out
just Do your best and whatever you can do.
: )
i;m sure you can
becuase you;ve also done it
and im sure you won't disappoint,
you;ve never disappointed at the very end
ending well and always impressive.
thats the way you;ve always finished
use it to turn it around.
turn it all around.
what we could have been, 9:17 AM.
dear blog,
i am jealous, because i cannot do the things i want,
neither do i have the things i want.
but we must not be jealous.
dear blog, it is just me,
it is me to want something, always and work doubly hard to get something, ..
dear blog ,it is me to work hard for something i want so badly.
Dear blog it is me ,
dear blog, haha i wish to be someone else but i cannot,
we are made perfectly just the way we are
oh,,,,,,,
for every childhood dream is to be dashed.
haha,
anyway
the end of recess week is here
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i find it soooooo super hard
sigh,
its ok
what to do?
i dont know hwo to think positive about it?
i just keep thinking
aiya stuck le just do it and get it over and done with lo .
how else to think positive? tell me
i am jealous, because i cannot do the things i want,
neither do i have the things i want.
but we must not be jealous.
dear blog, it is just me,
it is me to want something, always and work doubly hard to get something, ..
dear blog ,it is me to work hard for something i want so badly.
Dear blog it is me ,
dear blog, haha i wish to be someone else but i cannot,
we are made perfectly just the way we are
oh,,,,,,,
for every childhood dream is to be dashed.
haha,
anyway
the end of recess week is here
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i find it soooooo super hard
sigh,
its ok
what to do?
i dont know hwo to think positive about it?
i just keep thinking
aiya stuck le just do it and get it over and done with lo .
how else to think positive? tell me
what we could have been, 7:30 AM.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
oh man talk about hopes and dreams again
that your talents do not tally with the type of dreams that you have
thats too sad : (
hahaha!!
but its alright, haha
: (
chemistry.. uh not really my passion! HAHAHAHA
my hope and dreams, totally, NOT like that ! HAHA
sigh,what do i want?
let me dream about it , i will get back to you
just no dog eat dog world for me
no profit making decisions all the time for me
no big bucks and what not
just God glorifying
just live changing,
and live impacting
things
i will go dream about it
God i will learn how to hear from You and i am not going to give up!!!!!!!!!!
i cannot believ ethat other peopekl can and i cannot,
: )
GOGOGO haha
tuning in
i will be able to
i know it !
that your talents do not tally with the type of dreams that you have
thats too sad : (
hahaha!!
but its alright, haha
: (
chemistry.. uh not really my passion! HAHAHAHA
my hope and dreams, totally, NOT like that ! HAHA
sigh,what do i want?
let me dream about it , i will get back to you
just no dog eat dog world for me
no profit making decisions all the time for me
no big bucks and what not
just God glorifying
just live changing,
and live impacting
things
i will go dream about it
God i will learn how to hear from You and i am not going to give up!!!!!!!!!!
i cannot believ ethat other peopekl can and i cannot,
: )
GOGOGO haha
tuning in
i will be able to
i know it !
what we could have been, 8:54 AM.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
i;m a little bit jaded i guess,
complaints aside,
just a little bit disappointed i dont know why
: (
i still have tonnes to study but why am i dragging myself past every flippin page. : (
its a lot of stuff.
: (
im so sad
but it doesnt matter anyway
sad people still need to study
sad peopel still need to eat
sad people sitll need to pray
sad people still need to talk
sigh
sad people still have exams next week, regardless.
: (
complaints aside,
just a little bit disappointed i dont know why
: (
i still have tonnes to study but why am i dragging myself past every flippin page. : (
its a lot of stuff.
: (
im so sad
but it doesnt matter anyway
sad people still need to study
sad peopel still need to eat
sad people sitll need to pray
sad people still need to talk
sigh
sad people still have exams next week, regardless.
: (
what we could have been, 9:24 AM.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
dear Lord,
do you see how desperate i am?
why can't i still hear you o God.
Why ?
if not, how can i ? or what should i do o lord,
God, how am i supposed to know what you say about someting when i can;t even hear from You,.
how would i konw what to work on if You dont tell me anything
God is it me, or is it you, or is it really just me ,
God i don't see how i am not trying my best,
God, i don't know what,,
Lord if i am dear open up my ears
if i am blind open up my eyes
if my heart is numb please let it be alive again,
God how do i keep it alive,
when i've prayed the same prayer every year and every day
but God, what am i suppose to change in this ?
if we don't change the way we do things we would definitely not see any change
yet , what portion must i change only you can tell me ,
God i am trying my bestest,
do You see it ?
if i really took a bet, yeah i think i am willing and i dont think i made a wrong choice. If i gain, i gain it all, if i lose, i lose nothing.
do you see how desperate i am?
why can't i still hear you o God.
Why ?
if not, how can i ? or what should i do o lord,
God, how am i supposed to know what you say about someting when i can;t even hear from You,.
how would i konw what to work on if You dont tell me anything
God is it me, or is it you, or is it really just me ,
God i don't see how i am not trying my best,
God, i don't know what,,
Lord if i am dear open up my ears
if i am blind open up my eyes
if my heart is numb please let it be alive again,
God how do i keep it alive,
when i've prayed the same prayer every year and every day
but God, what am i suppose to change in this ?
if we don't change the way we do things we would definitely not see any change
yet , what portion must i change only you can tell me ,
God i am trying my bestest,
do You see it ?
if i really took a bet, yeah i think i am willing and i dont think i made a wrong choice. If i gain, i gain it all, if i lose, i lose nothing.
what we could have been, 11:33 AM.
Friday, September 17, 2010
people who you can let close to your life,
though you dont wish for the social norms to occur,
they do, thats the sad reality
and you dont esxpect people tohave the same kind of thinking as you
the one swho cna throw away all perceptions of a norm and just embrace the things they truly think and believe.
though i klearnt to let people close into my life,
i believe sometimes i make badd cfhoices which is why i keep the same few close friends,
yup, though i opened the possibility that you could have more friends who can share the heart with you, but ,,
haha, often more than not, thy can break your heart,
though they have this ability to mend it, they dont
and that shatters my heart so often haha
but its ok
cos i learn, every step at a time,
does not mean that i exclude everyone from myy lfie,
it just means that i have to pick wisely whom u let close into your life.
So i turned 20 today,
perhaps its not as exciting anymore, haha
but actually though i do behave like i am excited about things,
the novelty of birthdays have already ceased,, and for about many years i learn not to expect much anymore, haha
the less you expect, the more you;d be delighted with the simplest bit and simplest of all suprise or nice action.
yeah but today is no exception,
sometimes when people make you feel special and you feel undeserving u will just shy in one corner but you feel loved.
well, no maybe not for me cos sometimes we feel undervalued, or not worthy to be worthed.
haha
today a depressing thought struck me and i was totally like, expressionless,
sometimes just maybe the way i am ,
a social being,
haha just the same kind of sensitivity that i have towards other people
and that is upsetting, haha
on one hand hyou could blame me for being oversensitive...
haha
!! but its okkkkkkkk
Love until therei s none left to give
how do you keep loving without having love being added back to you
haha
my family sang a birthday song for me in te car park cos i was : ( that they didn;t sing loudly in the restaurant, HAHA
but thats hte family, and that is social etiquette HAHAHAHA
sigh,
everything to be loved the way it is ,
haha
i wish everyone happy! : )
love<3
though you dont wish for the social norms to occur,
they do, thats the sad reality
and you dont esxpect people tohave the same kind of thinking as you
the one swho cna throw away all perceptions of a norm and just embrace the things they truly think and believe.
though i klearnt to let people close into my life,
i believe sometimes i make badd cfhoices which is why i keep the same few close friends,
yup, though i opened the possibility that you could have more friends who can share the heart with you, but ,,
haha, often more than not, thy can break your heart,
though they have this ability to mend it, they dont
and that shatters my heart so often haha
but its ok
cos i learn, every step at a time,
does not mean that i exclude everyone from myy lfie,
it just means that i have to pick wisely whom u let close into your life.
So i turned 20 today,
perhaps its not as exciting anymore, haha
but actually though i do behave like i am excited about things,
the novelty of birthdays have already ceased,, and for about many years i learn not to expect much anymore, haha
the less you expect, the more you;d be delighted with the simplest bit and simplest of all suprise or nice action.
yeah but today is no exception,
sometimes when people make you feel special and you feel undeserving u will just shy in one corner but you feel loved.
well, no maybe not for me cos sometimes we feel undervalued, or not worthy to be worthed.
haha
today a depressing thought struck me and i was totally like, expressionless,
sometimes just maybe the way i am ,
a social being,
haha just the same kind of sensitivity that i have towards other people
and that is upsetting, haha
on one hand hyou could blame me for being oversensitive...
haha
!! but its okkkkkkkk
Love until therei s none left to give
how do you keep loving without having love being added back to you
haha
my family sang a birthday song for me in te car park cos i was : ( that they didn;t sing loudly in the restaurant, HAHA
but thats hte family, and that is social etiquette HAHAHAHA
sigh,
everything to be loved the way it is ,
haha
i wish everyone happy! : )
love<3
what we could have been, 7:35 AM.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
do you think you can talk to me for a while
do you think you can try to make me smile
do you think you can give me a hug
i wish anyone would
maybe i am expecting somehting out of other people.
would i meet another me like me hee
i wish so haha
i would make me smile no matter how hard it would be,
no oen can do the same for me ,
and its quite disappointing,
but not cos they dont,
but its because they fail to recognize the feelings i have,
anything negative, always brushed aside like that
even if i were gone it wouldn;t matter to them
not that i owuld not like to speak life to myself
just yes,,,,,,, i wish i were more important
heeeee but how do you make yourself more important to other peoplE?
no, its hard ,becuase you dont have somethign to offer someone else.
or perhasp its just that the thingsi have ot offer do not fall into their cup of tea.......
: (
but its ok
ITS OK
becuase i dont have to depend on other peopel to amek me happy
when the centre of all things,
the reason for many things are simply
people people PEOPLE.
and though they may disappoint
but nevermind
beccause i dont have to depend on people to makem e happy
haha i am gonna bathe now and let all my SADNESS just rush down the drain :) haha
do you think you can try to make me smile
do you think you can give me a hug
i wish anyone would
maybe i am expecting somehting out of other people.
would i meet another me like me hee
i wish so haha
i would make me smile no matter how hard it would be,
no oen can do the same for me ,
and its quite disappointing,
but not cos they dont,
but its because they fail to recognize the feelings i have,
anything negative, always brushed aside like that
even if i were gone it wouldn;t matter to them
not that i owuld not like to speak life to myself
just yes,,,,,,, i wish i were more important
heeeee but how do you make yourself more important to other peoplE?
no, its hard ,becuase you dont have somethign to offer someone else.
or perhasp its just that the thingsi have ot offer do not fall into their cup of tea.......
: (
but its ok
ITS OK
becuase i dont have to depend on other peopel to amek me happy
when the centre of all things,
the reason for many things are simply
people people PEOPLE.
and though they may disappoint
but nevermind
beccause i dont have to depend on people to makem e happy
haha i am gonna bathe now and let all my SADNESS just rush down the drain :) haha
what we could have been, 4:53 AM.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
study!!!!!!
what we could have been, 5:09 AM.
Friday, September 10, 2010
a part of me wants people to treat me seriously
and another part of me wants to make people smile and laugh
hee, its hard to accomplish both especially when u want to make a straight point without sounding too strict... and on the other hand people just laugh at me and say i am naggy..
wtv, so long i make my stand i dont care how others think of me .
oh yes, so i have been thinking of SEP and what not ,
but , its a hard choice becuase i was thinking if i go it;ll def be next sem or year 3 sem 2 ..becusae
in year 3 sem 1 i def want to take the forensic science module ( WHICH IS ONLY AVAILABLE SEM 1) -_- ..................
i think its quite ludicrous becuase i didnt get it this year, and having this limitation ,the only time i would be able to take this is year 3 sem 1, which means that the only times i have left to go for SEP would be year 2 sem 2 or year 3 sem 2 .. .and, having to be able to map chemistry modules? i dont know if it be good to do them overseas cos it may screw up my foundation if itsnot done well.. hee
but on theo ther hand i could choose to do a summer programme : )and at least gto on a lighter note 1 ) not to clear cOre modules. 2 ) to have fun too
yes have i not mentioned that i always imagined to study overseas, never in my life have i thought that i;d be in a local uni studying what not this that, i awlays thought htere were no courses in uni that could really suit my interest ,, and now that i kinda, PSEUDO/forced some kind of interest in myself that i landed myself in this course . too late for regrets now.
but it does not mean never will i be able to go overseas, just means that i could either do further education else where, or that i could just do a summer prog. haaa i think that is the only way to do it, if i were to really take a Fsc minor,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and i better get it next sem.
oh well , i now have succumbed to the fact that YES i am in this course and i am to stick through with it.... sigh the past year i ve been through school thinking of switcihng courses ALL THE TIME........................ thinking if i dont do well or what not i can still change, ane evne though i study the behavior of all these electrons,,,,,,,, it will come to naught if i change course. But now that i have succumbed to this, to the fact that i am in this, there is no turning back, perhaps onloy being able to consider the deviation of paths in the farther future, that i can only now start to pick up my pen and really study............ study study..... and to take my work seriously..
What is God;s plan seriously man
soemtimes i really feel like i need some kind of INstruction manual.
no doubt i am sure i will do my best in everything!!!!
i just need clear indication.
arg.
see, sometimes we are always just trapped in circles.
some trapped in a circle of unforgiveness bitterness, regret, remorse, pity,
for me, i am trapped in this , what is my purpose phase.
terrible
becuase i have no interest
it makes it hard for me to make decisions
t
now that i come to this point , i realise that its wrong,
but am i not a bit too old?
haha
tiem for a change........
dont care about what others think!
what we could have been, 10:08 AM.
Monday, September 6, 2010
envy HAHA
not !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to each its own
i always believe
what we could have been, 5:24 AM.
wouldn;t it be nice if someone came up to you and told you about something they observed about you, and that you;pve never noticed.
something like a hidden kind of beauty, talent or just something so subtle that was only noticeable tothat one observant eye
makes it so special becuse you have made a slight impression on that person haha
or that people told you something good about you without you showing it .
yes and i do need applause to live
hahah its nice to be complimented once in a while.
i do not deny
haha
its ok if you;re not noticed
only one person sees it
and it is He who i am more interested in impressing.
what we could have been, 4:54 AM.
