ifakemysmile@BGSPT

2011-04-10T02:38:00.001-07:00

my stupidity is going to cause my death one day

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
convulse and die.

2011-03-28T09:12:00.001-07:00

dear God
i swear that i will be happy tomorrow regardless of what.

: )
amen

2011-03-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

dear blog
i feel so extremely. negative about
my studies.
and myself
and

GOD save me out of this
help me to conquer this thing
help me to get back that me ,
that me who was so motivated to do well
that me who wouldn't let anything get in the way of me doing well
the me who could laugh at everything
that me who chould make everything so fun
that me who would study all the way without complaining
that me who wouldn;t blame anyone
that me , who was doing something though everyone didnt want to do anything

that me who once strived so hard
that me who once had so many dreams
and was such a day dreamer
that me who could make something big out of smoething so small
that me who aspired everything studying overseas and all that

that me who once wanted all these things
but that me is finding it so hard
to trust again, after being set back so hard so many many times by three people.
that me who is finding it so hard, to continue after so many years
that me who is finding it so hard, to keep trying for 7 years,
that me who is still trying hard to believe after so many years
that me who is trying to smile and recover from this mess.
that me who was once so motivated and confident.

that me, whom i love so much.
i will find her again
i promise.

2011-03-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

dearest BLOG
ive never said anything like "im screwed" or "cmi" for my studies before.
maybe its becuase i never let myself have the chance to.
i made sure that i dont elet mhyself have the cance to
and that is by making sure that i study almost every single thing

AND I FAILED TO THIS TIME
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
:T

on the other hand its so exciting to be able to see someone else do well! : )

2011-03-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

dear blog
nus is really mean.
haha

its 130 am and i am so tired. HAHAHAHHAHAHA
GOTTA MEMORISE STUFF BYE!

2011-02-24T08:26:00.000-08:00

dear blog
8 am everyday
6 pm go home
4mid terms coming up soon
only done HALFWAY for one and am chionging one more for N-at.
shall read Ut u on the bus on the way to church on saturday and not care abotu it now
ok i will finish Nat tomorrow
then i will start on drugs too. a lot to memorize.
then when i feel like doing nothing i shall do my spec 1 report
: ( and sp 1 tutorial is on wednesday......

i 1 2 cry. haha
i can do this
SUN STOP FOR ME!

2011-02-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

my heart is like broken glass grfounded into fine powder

2011-02-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

some things i believe in

- i dont believe in giving up on people.
- i treat others the way i want them to treat me
- i believe in being sincere about everything
- i believe that will be super successful next time
- i believe in God

2011-02-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

dear blog
i am kinda regreful
about the gthings i regret
about the things i ve done wrong
but God doesnt want me to be ashamed
He wants me to forget the past
and press forward

the devil has used my weakness against me and
i did things which i thought would make me feel assured
which is totally wrong
WRONG!
i should have just elft that day.

i am not sure why either

now if you ask me if i really do like him
or WHY i do,,
i don;t really know why.
haha

perhaps thats the thing with girls
you know someone loves you so much you are just so easily touched.
haha

sigh,

2011-01-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

im just gonna be ok be ok be ok
im just gonna be ok today.

whavetever it is
how hurt i feel
whatever you do or how your coping mechanism is like
i will accept it

2011-01-25T01:08:00.000-08:00

dear blog
there are somedays when i dont even wish to see him becuase i tend to be overly sensensitive and i think i really annoy him to much

there is one thing a bout me blog is that i really know how to be irritating and i know how to push peopoele over their limits and i guess that is what happens most of the time, and i guess that i am thankul that now i am not as insecurelike i was i guess if things happened last time i would not hav been able to react well at all..

oh blog i dont know hwot to leave my friends some part of me just want to leave some part of me cannot bear to .i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEP SEP SEP hahaha hard

2011-01-24T09:59:00.001-08:00

dear blog
i dont know if he is the one,
i dont know.
haha

if he proves himself, good for him,
byebye!

2011-01-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

dear blog
i dont know if he is the one,
i dont know.
haha

if he proves himself, good for him,
byebye!

2011-01-21T16:31:00.001-08:00

hi blog
school just started
i am already annoying my self to bits
i want to kill myself sometimes,
ARH!

some security please PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! GOD SAVE

2011-01-02T11:20:00.001-08:00

hi blog
its 2011
time flies and i really am trying to live out every moment i guess
i guess i still have resrvations
: T

2010-12-12T07:34:00.000-08:00

dear blog
probabably facing your biggest fears is one of the things you MUST DO
and proabbly that fear that i feel is the consequence of me trying to hide so so much
o

i myself am so lost inmyself that i dont really know the right answer

i just need time to be more secure with myself
THATS ALLLLLLLLLL HAHA

okkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
anyway good holidays i am actually doing productive things! HAHA
ok
bye~!: )

2010-12-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

dear blog
i am a a monster
because i really hurt someone i cared about.

though the person may say that they are ok,
i just feel , uneasy

you are not being honest with me arent you

i am so sorry that i made you be someone you are not

i want to call you , iwanna text you
i wanna know if u are ok , or if u are hurting

if you are ok, then, me being selfish, wanna ask why you are still cold to me
if you are not ok, i want you to know that i dont feel that you have done anything wrong to me, that if you are having self righteous guilt then that is not right,
and if that is what is bothering you i really hope u can forgive yourself becuae God, and I perhaps have forgiven you alr!

if u say you can't face me then what is the reason,. ? hmm?

yeah i erally wanna know what goes on in your mind,
i love being in your company and i love being around you
its so sad that the very person who makes you feel all that, just
has to stay away from you
and i dont want to be selfish
i guess i should give you your own space too.

i want to call you
i want to hear your voice
i want to know if you are happy

you know what is the happiest picture i have had of you?
haha.

if we are ever together thats how i want you to be.

2010-11-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

i really wanna tak to him about it
sigh one more day just oen ore day
i just feel like saying F and then su this module
haha
but to su a module u need to pass it haha

2010-11-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i am totally betraying myself

God please set me free
please i beg you
T_T!

2010-11-28T02:15:00.000-08:00

wthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i am going to start studying now
omg lah i am so dead
only have 25 more hours to study for my exam!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH * screams *
God provide a miracle please.

2010-11-27T21:04:00.001-08:00

intimacy is left for your spouse...
if you are intimate with someone else to her than her,
then its not fair to her and its not fair to her next time,
that day i should have stopped you ;;
even though i liked the feeling but actually
after that i felt really cheap.
: T cos i hav no feelings i really feel like an object after that.

i am really sorry i let you touch me,

humans are physical creatures,
even if i felt like i like the feeling when you touch me,
but actually when you kiss me, i feel very,
cheap.

yeah but God does not want me to use this shame, and guilt to ..
consume me and He forgives me and i thoguht i should let your know.
sigh if you really love me then don't touch me.

2010-11-27T19:08:00.000-08:00

dear blog
ive done things which i am ashamed of.
im so sorry

2010-11-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

dear blog

its not fair to me
haha
but i keep making use of myself
sigh
idno lah
i suck

2010-11-24T05:02:00.000-08:00

dear blog
haha

OK so i only did one chapter.
im so screwed if i continue at this pace,
sigh God please save me
i need a miracle.
i wnt to vomit mnow for i feel so sick and stressed
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
T_T tis ok
still got one day to study.
i neeed to wake up my idea.

2010-11-22T19:18:00.003-08:00

dear blog
i dno if telling you this now iwll even help
but ahha my exam is in two hours and i am not kidding
HAHA
omgggggggggggg

2010-11-22T19:18:00.001-08:00

dear blog
i dno if telling you this now iwll even help
but ahha my exam is in two hours and i am not kidding
HAHA
omgggggggggggg

2010-11-22T03:36:00.001-08:00

dear blog
today;s exam was ZZ

id id my best but apparently i did read through everything but failed to memorise EVERYTHING HAHA
kina careless though,,,, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
but nvmmmmmmmmm
letting myself off easy for this time

stupid boy, distracted me for one week. haha

but nvm its ok, its ok, one small exam does not hinder me from becomeing what i will become :)

ok hoping to cram thiese 13 chapters of organic madeness into hte brain by 10 pm then i can practice : ) HAHA

GO baby go :)

i ma not going to expect anything already.
BYE

2010-11-21T05:04:00.000-08:00

dear blog
i dno why i am telling you this ow
but i am cramming for my exam which is like in ,, i dno, 12+4= 16 hours time. HAHAHA SHUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSS
minus one hour ,. twelve leave home
if i sleep by about 1 today, wake up at about 8, and study and read till twelve.
this leaves me with about 4 hours cram time now , haa
crap
hahahah
OKKKKKKKKKKK JIA YOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

2010-11-21T01:21:00.001-08:00

dear blog
i am cramming
never felt so unprepared like this before
but there is always a first time for everything right
haha

nvm lah,

2010-11-21T01:03:00.000-08:00

dear blog
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
haha
i feel so unprepared for the exam
just pray that god can carry me through

T_TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
sigh i just want to cry and not caare but
no cannot
we aree big kids,
we must
do what we can do
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
yeh this shows u one thing
kids are lazy when they just CRYT and want that thing
z

2010-11-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

sigh so perfect
hahah
when i look at myself..
umm haha
ok mediocre.

HAHA
okkkkkkk just stduy ok
then you can cnocentrate on doing whatever you want after that
hahah

GOGOGO

2010-11-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

hey,

i can really sense his sincerety
and i can tell, when he says he really loves,
thinks,..
i can tell...

the look in his eyes when i tell him that i can't eat
the seriousness in his voice
something so enchanting about that look,
when he makes a promise

something bout it ,, that makes me beleive,
though all these things and promises will need time to fufil
i think i will grant him this chance,

haha,, of course many poeople may think like
" dno if can trsut guys or not, cos in the beginning they say thigns like they love you and that you consume their mind and things like that"

can you tell me ? can beleive guys or not ,

hard to say rightm, becasue not all guys are like that
and one who can keeop his peace becasue he respects that theyare of different religion.
one who says he will be happy if she found smoeone else
one who says that he felt really bad that she was hurt
one who says that he is lucky
one who can say that he wants to take care of her for the rest of her life,
one who regrets that" he is not born a christian"

can i tell you how sweet he is?

how he respects me in suhc a a special way
that he does not expect anything from me
haha,
and cutely, though, how he guides my hand to write a chinese word that i cant. AHHA

are you serious?
i dont know man
but he keeps reassuring me,

haha i know he can sense my disbelief;; but yeh i know he knosws that time and situations will tell

i mean i am inexperienced ou want to tell me your experience? did someone promise you so much and then just eventually becomes a jerk like that haha

i did hear of one incident tho, he likes her. she doesntt. she eventually does. halfway he does not want to continue this,
now that a jerk
\

but somehow just as my friend i do trust him, that he is not one
though sometimes he does behavee like one, haha but i can tell he doesn;t mean it
by taking a risk and taking calculated steps.
i beleive that when things happen we have a trust that will remain regardless.
no matter what happens he my best friend and i his best friend

caouldn't bel.ieve it at first
how can someone say he loves her
so hard to beleive
it took her like 19 years to even accept and love herself
and 1 year for her best friend to love her?
really? wow..

but you know all my life i never expected people to do things for me
and i alwys give in to peopl
and for one to want to give in to me its just too amazing for me to believe <3
haha

but judging from my style.
if he is willing to give and work hard like that
next semeseter i am willing to take up an equally busy life just to show him that all these things are possible.

sigh,
God though i don't raelly know you too well
i pray i can know you even better
and i pray that as he knows you too,
i know that you will change his life
and i pray that when he knows you that God you revela yourself to him too! and that you have been the joy in my life and that you guide our paths and that you guide his paths too.

and in years to come
if you say yes and when it is your timing and you allow us
thank You.

for now, i dedicate my youthinto yourr hands
knowing that You are in full control of every situation in my life.

in Jesus name i pray
Amen,

i just want the exams to be over

come on baby just studyyyyyyyy! HAHA

2010-11-16T08:24:00.000-08:00

dear blog
sometimes i dont know what i am doing,
but m haha
i trust that i am doing the right thing : )

haha.its ok! haha
well its1230 and there is tonnes to be done ,haha
better get going : )
gonna finish my organic tutorial and tomorrow i will start my physical chemistry, htnen friday sat sunday i will start on my inorganic, i hope i have enough time, when monday starts i wnot even have any time left.

fighting keessssssss

ok i set a new goal
i will work hard next sem
next sem i will be super consistent
i will understand everything i am studying
for now i will just do my best at what i can
i dont believe that its too hard for me ,
haha

we will work hard together
i promise.
someday perhaps i can return to you
1000 times what you give to me
but first we will see what
your billion really is.

hahaa
:)

2010-11-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

dear blog,
i feel a lot less cheap,
i actually feel valued,
thsi guy is so serious

he is so sweet, i cant; break his heart,
thats how i love him, i love him enough not to break his heart,
yeah

i also fear the time i will say i love you
then it would be so hard to let go
but i trust God that iif its meant to be, it will happen,
in a matter of 5 or 6 years perhaps
he will become a man of God
a man after God;s heart
and in the same way, if he still has a heart that is so deeply in love and if i were to really reciprocate it and God allows it,,,
then, we will have a life together,

that is ideally. haha if God placed this perfect man in my life
yup
for now i cannot wait to see how God will change his life
its going to be an exciting journey

2010-11-12T20:10:00.000-08:00

dear blog
ic annot wait till all this heell is over
seriously.
haha

OK i am goign to chiong tonight
i dont care.

OK I WILL FINISH 3 CHAPTERS OF ORGANIC ?BY TODAY:)
go baby go baby go! haha

wow i feel that things are a lot better :) haha

ohhhhhhhh i cant wait
to indulge
sleep,,
running
driving
pianoing
facials
girly stuff
shoppingggggggg

2010-11-12T07:46:00.000-08:00

K
i suddenly feel damn motivated

i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
apparently studying is not the most lethal weapon
nothing emotional is a lethal weapon

zz . though i would not want to take the exams AT ALL i have no choice.

just do this baby just do this
i can i can i can i can
haha

sigh , you konw sometimes you really think about the most ideal situation
ideal guyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
ideal resultssssssssss
ideal, i dno relationship with people
ideal looks
ideal writing

but nothing really cuts out
i dno how to do sia

sigh one bad thing about me is
i keep putting other;s emotions before my own,
damn it
and apparently i keep doing it the wrong way
God forgive me

2010-11-12T02:42:00.002-08:00

OMG lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i am so dead seriously
hahaha
i need to eb adaptive to change

?HAHA i cannot cannot C?ANNOT wait till holidays
<3<3<3<3<3
i can SWIM
i can SHOP
i can paint my nails with pertty colours
i can go learn how to drive
i can go and play
i can go volunteer at church
i could look for a tutee
i can continue my piano lesson <3

2010-11-12T02:42:00.001-08:00

2010-11-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

dear blog
within a span of a seven days
things have happened
i dont know if i am going nuts
but i think i really am,,
omg..............................................
i did things which i may not be prouc of ?
i did things which i may regret
sigh
but i take a risk
dangerous risk i guess,
i ought to die lah
sighh

2010-11-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

phew
slight case of PDA and there were phones whipping out- - - - -
if word gets out i m dead.
let alone do i know how to properly handle a situation like that
hahaha

tsk tsk tsk....
i am so tired i just want to sleep

2010-11-09T05:33:00.001-08:00

dear blog i really need to control myself
i pray for forgiveness,.
everytim i feel shittier . always
haha

i hope i dont i just hope i dont haha!

OK DONT WORRY JUST FORGIVE AND MOVE ON
S......tupid

2010-11-06T21:45:00.007-07:00

ive got three things to say
as much as i love "drugs" haha
abstaining from them would be best.

haha

2010-11-06T21:45:00.005-07:00

ive got three things to say
as much as i love "drugs" haha
abstaining from them would be best.

haha

2010-11-06T21:45:00.003-07:00

ive got three things to say
as much as i love "drugs" haha
abstaining from them would be best.

haha

2010-11-06T10:22:00.001-07:00

sigh
unromantic
i dont like.

2010-11-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

do you only start to get worried when i dont eat?

haha. apparently yes.

you know i always put the welfare of my heart over the welfare of my body. if my heart is not right, my body does not eat right. haha

haha every one else can tell that i was not right, but not you , cos you didn;t even look me in the eye.

you are so scary and weird at the same time,
one moment i know you know everything about me, i know you know everything , how i would feel if u did this, or did that. EVERything, and even if u knew, you tried to not break the promise and work your way around it . but it is different cos you can definitely feel it. right. its like doing things for the sake of doing andn ot becuase you really want to. haha i definitely could feel it, and that is what breaks my heart, or makes me so vulnerable. cos i know you could turn your back on me in one moment, you are so swift and fast when you do it, i dont really know how to respond always. haha but you always know my respoonse, i am so quick to give in always, i always qian jiu ren jia, i always make the effort to make things right, and i am always swift and persistent in that. haha a thing i always do when i quarrel with a friend. i am quick to want to make things right again i guess or i feel uneasy.

and precisely becuase one friend is so close to me that i am so vulnerablem because at any second i am so afraid that one will turn their backs on me and i would seriously just die on the spot. Haha i often pray that God take this feeling away, heal my broken heart. i often wonder how it is done, in the end sometiems just one action from the very person just makes things right again. but precisely how i tell you how weak i am to you. but love is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting him not to. i totally agree with this, and becuase you have a lot of power ( wow saying full power seems very ..kua zhang but.. haha) to do so, is just so scary.

like i always say. that the words of a quiet man is well treasured. at the same time the words frmo a quiet man is sometimes the scaries cos you never know what they are going to say or do next. unlike those who are overly expressive , you can read them like a book! HAHA like me. upset means upset lah so you can expect me to say something upsetting. but for someone quiet, you never know, and they wont spontaeously tell you cos its just not how they wish to operate sometimes

you know how i lvoe all my friends, i wouldnt want them to feel like shit, and perhaps cos i always spend my most effort on you, HAHA!

you say that its the way you get my attention, haha.. this explains so much, hhaha but you know how much it breaks my heart everytime you do that? haha,, but its ok, cos i am alright everytime you say its ok, but sometimes wounds run deep you know, haha and though it was unintentional, the wound has been made. haha. nwo i pray that the wound be gone u know.

hahaha,
all i can say is,
i dont know,
i really dont know how come ,
i dont know.
haha cos you freak me out so mcuh sometimes i become so scared. but at the same time u can make me feel safe haha strange feeling huh

it never knew how to read signs, i am so blur abou these things ,, i never knew. i always thought it was impossible.

now i think how can it be .haha really? what is the reason? haha. but i know you are so sincere about it. haha you have such funny taste.

but i always think that there is someone else 10 times better. i hope you find her. i hope you do, i hope you do, even before me, i will be ok,

i will remember, 4th , 9 . 12. i will remember.
haha why , in my kiddiest shirt of all times. haha

when you pull her close and tell her "you really think i want it like that?".
or when you tell her that youve never hugged another girl.. you say you want to tell her something, that really like her.

she could have killed you on the spot, for putting her through all these things, in fact she really wanted to.. .she had no idea, why would you do all these thigns if u really claimed that you did like her. haha why would you then, made all the signs so confusing to read. haha one word gives the answer. attention.

why dont you then, talk to her or keep in contact with her. why dont you then, spend more time wih her, why dont you then, talk to her about everything ELSE under the sun. haha you scary thing. but you are a quiet man, haha then now i realise that it would be so unnatural for you to do so. haha thats funny, maybe cos when you text its weird. but so strange shes the one who talks to you first, calls you first. texts you first. message you online first, says your name first. haha do you like her cos shes the first who is so persistent to talk to you? wow now it sounds like she was throwing herself at you . but no ,haha i highly doubt that, she is so friendly, how is that even possible. and she knew that you were oob, she wouldnt do that for the wrong intentions.

haha if i were you i would think she is so annoying, haha who knew that you thought otherwise. haha and to think , its more than one year ago . one year. wow. and one year ago, she was so upset. why weren;t you around? .. haha cos you are soooooo interesting. quiet, haha

and to think you barely even say her name, haha but it is nice when you say it , it is nice. haha

haha. . . .
shes like Bella swan, someone whom i really dislike. whilst watching how she was so helpless, lost, broken, WEAK, and pale, lifeless without edward. haha strange depiction cos it sounds exactly like her. almost the same situation, just that he is no vampire. haha.

as a general depiction, shes nice, shes friendly, easily stressed up, kancheong, annoyingly annoying, has a high freq voice that fluctuates, slow to understand, simple minded... and shes so many things which you dont know she is , imean i totally dont know why you would like her. thats why i say you have such strange taste. haha, and wow i ask myself, actually i cant give a reason why you are unlikeable . only one thing when you get moody. not fun you only hurt others when you are hurt, you alwyays do that , and others is only ONE person. haha which is her.. haha

total opposites right.

for a moment i cannot let you go, i dont know, woudl you suddenly leave. would you. i dont know, because i dont know, becuase of all the uncertainty, that is why i really dont know. but after you know everything, you said you would treat her better. haha wow, i really hope so.

haha, you are so nice to respect her in .. well a way. just a uniquely you way, its very interesting. haha.

but one thing still stands. what does Go say about it ? haha, i wish i knew God even better, i with i knew what He thought, what He says, but needless to say, God breaks my heart whenever i really want ot hear Him, i can't. i dont know how,,or therer are things about God which i still dont know how . How do i trust God in things like that? haha. i try to see how God has blessed me in my life, haha but i dont know how to identify it . is it becuase i am too myopic? that i also cannot see these things, or that i ddont have a heart that is thankful enough. God i want to know you so much better. i wish i can hear you, i really do, my birthday wish, everything , i made the same wish 3 times. three times.

yup.
anyway, still young, and we dont know what holds. im still immature in so many ways, and as i say;; 나도나를 잘 모르겠다. i wouldn't expect anyone else to know me better than myself. that would be so dangerous. haha

bendan. lets wait and see, two must not let a relationship be driven by lust,keeping arelationship pure and take it slowly,. a desired direction to go / // haha

anyway its a holiday, time to rest, then time to chiong.
bye~~ gonna take my first bite in two days. haha

2010-11-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

dear blog
so today, 4th november is a pretty eventful and dramatic day for me

hmm i can;t really say much but all i know is , now at least i know where it stands.HAHA

dies on the spot : (

: )

2010-11-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

hello,

im a fool lah.
haha if i fall in love i would be so dead. i think. i dont have time for such things.
sigh blog i really hav no life
haha

bye

2010-11-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

dear blog
i am currently ADjusting values for my report.. cos
umm haha

mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn i ndo what to do!!!!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sigh,
i deserve to be shot

2010-11-02T07:30:00.001-07:00

hi blog,
i really deserve to die,
here i am, kpying this ,,,, thingggggg and not undeerstanding what is going on ,
secondly i hav no idea what is happening in school work
and thirdly i just know how to whine like some idiotic 4 yearold

i am annoying myself
and i respect them for being able to take meeeeeee HAHA
annoying idiot.

totally. - -..
kk : ) time for reportign!

2010-11-02T04:49:00.000-07:00

hi blog

i seriously deserve to die.
period.

2010-11-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

hahaa
im listening to baby3oh by bieber now, haha
actualyl it sounds so funny and catchy, makes me laugh <3 ..

anyhoos gonna do webcast! enough slacking : )

HAHA~ <3,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
ma,nnnn osmetimes we tread dangerous ground
thriller.

2010-10-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

hi blog,
soooooooo
i think i think too much about ALL THE UNECESSARY THNGSSSSSSSS haha

okokkoko time to study or i will regret later
: (

<3

to make someone, soooooooooooooooooooooo
breathless
haha
to make someone soooooooooo dependent
to make someone soooooooooooo wow .haha
this power cannot be mishandled .
: T

: )
okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
i will go study now
haha
i slept too much!! D: : (

~

2010-10-30T12:44:00.001-07:00

dear blog
i want to break into a weak smile,. HAHA
knowing that i dont know, how,
haha

when i dont know how to react i just smile weakly. haha

kkk~ i am only midway in my rev for monday;s test :(
b ut its ok ~ gogo keeeeeeees

2010-10-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

dear blog
i know my wrong ways and i will correct them
God forgive me and that i keep repenting, that He forgives me ,
sigh its so hard to control myself sometimes
gotta turn by back on my sinful ways

esp if someone know you full well, thats like ,haha
hard to hide. haha

i become childlike, sometimes
yeh most of the time i become childlike,
HAHAHA aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anway yesterday i ahd MY LAST labbbbb of the semester,
not that lab is very useful, i find my self floating through lab and this semester quite a lot. just go and do things, barely learning things i guess , kinda KOK but its fine, at least during lab i get to laugh? HAHAHA

yeh ive been kinda kuku, haha like yesterday i messed up and my partner said " are you that stressed? " haha,, and well my partner left a reaction mixture on the table and turned, and the thext moment it was gone and he was so stunned. you know why? cos i ppoured away teh reaction mixture, HAHA

:)

ok so three weeks till finals
i dno if i can even catch up, there is a lot to be done and i am so kok abotu everything haha

HAVE ANOTHER TEST on mondays,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
and yesterday i came home at 6 and slept till 8 am this morning! HHAHA do i have such luxary to sleep? actually no, but my mind was so busy in my sleep that i couldn;t wake up! haha

yep aso anyway gotta get studying for monday;s test. D: .................
HAHAH I WILL DO WELL FOR THIS TEST
that means i gotta go study!

not been doing too well. : | but its totally alright
haha everything is gonna be ok
i hope :T

2010-10-29T04:39:00.000-07:00

hi blog
i totally have no recollection of anything which has happened the past few days
maybe i amjust so tired or i just feel like i am drifting through this entire semester. hAHA
: )

ok sorry to waste your time,
i better go and sleep for a bit! get up and mug al ittle. haha
: )

<3 : ) i am happy, haha
i hope it stays like that

2010-10-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

你要当我的蛋糕吗？
到底是谁在鼓励蛋糕？
猪。
朱古力蛋糕

哈哈。
今天有了个很不愉快的conversation. haha
3 years then go,
haha i always have this mentality whenever i feel tired trying,
but then again, the 4th year is important?
though i dont really know the significance of it but i guess that somehow it does play a part,
like the pay you get next time, ( cumulative of a few hundred more than if u grad with 3 years is quite significant over a few years).
yada yada. furthering studies?.. dno

then again, because my cap is in a dangerous position, don;t really know what to do then dont i.

haha. but its fine, haha just keeping up to the best;;just do what i can. haha

i do want to survive this semester adn all hell will be over in just 4 wEEKS FOUR HAPPY WEEKS : )
everything is ok , dont have to worry and dont have to be scared!! : )

haha,
OK JUST CAN PASS THIS SEM JIU HAO LE :::::::::::::
: )

goodie.time for lab report and then go read a bit then SLEEP <3
SLEEP baby:)

2010-10-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

daear blog.
i dno waht to do?????

2010-10-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

dear blog
you are not real,
i telly ou almost every thing, almost, haha
i am not too good with words,
you always remain so siletnt

i just want to be told that things are going to be ok, or that i will be ok, i will definitely be ok. we will definitely be ok. i dont want to hav to compare to others.
just tell me that i can definitely make it through,,,,,,,,,, and you will still be there to see me through all these things. Give me your shoulder to cry on, and then i will be better again.

I miss you, sometimes, i do. i really do. haha but no , i must bao chi a good distance i guess. haha

haha,
i hope i survive blog,
i hope i do :)
God has His plans,. im too myopic to see them
HW says that God wants to tell me so much things
but i dno if i am too deaf to hear Him

dear blog, am i really such a blur kok. haha
yeh it think i am.

2010-10-27T08:15:00.001-07:00

haha
i dont know if it;s immense stress that i am feeling or what , AUNT has not visited me for the past 6-7 months. hahaa....

my body is going to not take it alr i actualyl feel exhausted and i am tired. haha

God please give me the strength to pull through this semester.
let me be content.

: ( happiness is short lived.
yesterday was my only day to play
i played and RESTED. now its over, i just have to continue what i was doing ~
T_T. moer tests till the end of the exam
kinda sux right,
haha

just want someone to say everything is going to be alright,
You;ve got Jesus with you.

its goign to be ok,
just give me a shoulder to cry on once in a few days, ahha

2010-10-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

oakyyyyyyyyyyyy

SO the happy TUESDAY is overrrrrrrrr- - - - : (
haha,
that is really bad, cos why?
its really bad :(
haha

sigh means cannot slack le. starting today, HAHA
: (
gotta get to school soon sto study.. hahaa

yesterday i slept from 9pm to 9am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: )
HAPPY till i dno what i know now that i still do feel like sleeping, haha you can never get enough sleep~~~~~~~~ <3
haha

oh dear.

2010-10-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

BLGO
i want to cry
cos i still have TWO chapters to study
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdd
DO YOU KNOW HWOW MANY EQU?ATIONS ARE THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS GUY IS INSANE MAN
i want to slaughter hinm
: ( but also no use, saying COS I STILL HAV TO TAKE THE TEST REGARDLESS

: (
T_T
PHYSCISAL CHEM MAKES ME CRY

2010-10-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

haha
soooooooooooo

is it safe to say that i think about you , a lot of the time?
probably not a good sign,
but you know, i just haha like the feeling, but i thank God that i can guard my heart and be careful about it : ) ,haha
BECAREFUL HOW YOU LIVE AS WISEEEEEEEE NOT AS UNWISE
haha

stupid right
obviously its not real because the signs are so obvious and they all indicate a straight NO.
haha oh well

and besides if both parties have agreed on one term then it should stay that way :)
haha

just 내겼테있어죠.

anyways i should um be studying, HAHA
can i tell you how clueless iam about this topic? hahaha
do you ever get the feeling that you have no clue what you are studying about ? haha......... yeh this is noe of the days

HAHA i just want to be sitting, ELSEWHERE BUT AT THIS STUDY TABLEEEEEEEEEEEE : (

someone told me that, their friends thoguht that i was psychotic :(
but its ok
what people say about me does not determine me.

oh baby i cannot WAIT TILL TUESDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYy
you can sms me at 10 am to congratulate me on the end of this BLIMMING test.
haha woooooooooooo
I JUST WANT TO PLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY : )

2010-10-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

hi blogg
i should stop being annoying, constantly
i should stop freaking out at small things

i canot wait for next tuesday
it is WHEN i can finally
just
take it slow
and then
work at MY OWN pace,
and catch up ( FINALLY) can yuo believe it "? its going to be the END of the semester then i can have thte time to catch up, ( so if you are part of the nus admin or can do something about the school system please help me and maybe consider interceeding for pooor slow students like ME, who really need the time, )

HAHA
YES so next TUESDAY ONWARDS.
after my test
well i do want to DEDICATE ONE DAY to playing.
start revisinG for all the subs, esp ORGCHEM

ok i can do it for next tuesday;s test!
GOGO baby

2010-10-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

DEAR BLOG
i really feel like EMAILING the prof and ask him

" do reconsider postponing the test as THE CONTENT THAT HAS BEEN COVERED OVER THE SPAN O THE PAST THREE WEEKS HAVE BEEN SO HARD TO SWALLOW AND THAT WHY MUST HE HAVE THREE MID TERMS IN THE ENTIRE SEMESTER??? SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AND i dont think that your purpose is to make us fail and feel inferior but to really grasp understanding, and the rate that this is going is really really hard to follow and especially this is so abstract...... having the test would not serve its purpose SINCE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.. AND BARELY HAVE THE TIME TO CATCH UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AH!
im so pissed with the lecturers sometimes seriously, they are so,unforgiving, makes me appreciate my other lecturers who are more lenient and give less tests, they seriously ROCK.

i would really love to study your module ALL THE TIME ( esp oh so constantly) and devote all my time to studying it,m but truth is, there are 4 other modules which are equally demanding and require my time and um, your tests are robbing away precious time to study!!!!!!!!!! ABND DONT FORGET LABREPORTS PLEASE TT............ totally ,. waste of time man lab reports, i m so gonna faint,

haha.. i guess even my body can tell that its super unconfortable maybe its becuase i am not used to this pace, or that perhaps i am just stressing myself up that ic annot understand,sianz. at times like these, you cannot do things like " why am i so sloww".. but to really just " do it though you are damn slow" . cos thats the only way to go about doing it.

sigh i just want to be able to SLEEP and EAT in peace....................... without my body rejecting everything that comes in. HAHA

hope lab would be fun tomorrow, i pray. haha

2010-10-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

dear blog,
there are three people whom i have identified in my life to exhibit the same type of characteristics.
they are 3 pretty, cool, people, haha
stable, calm, awesome in their own ways, quiet, independent, bold, have their own thinking and direction and much more awesomeness, slim, haha and look nice in all types of clothing, talented in their own ways,

haha and i guess the reason why i am so in awe of thme is because they are exactly what i am not, or rhater they just exhibit favorable characteristics which i do wish to have, HAHA or im trying to learn to have.

they are so pretty, ! not that i am turning lesbianic or anything but i tend to envy girls, haha envy~

anyway, yeh i guess this is something which i wanna learn form them i guess,

oh well blog
sometiems i seriously dnot know what i am doing,
especially these lab reports,, i am totally KOK about it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
its like whatrubbish am i typing on these reports? ,, haha,, and i rather use the SAME resource of ( time,,, ENERGY and TIME,,,,,,,, seriously ,one lab is like 5 hours and ONE REPORT is like 7 hours maybe? haha,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, LONG and tedious, and its super depressing : ( ) not to mention i am a total excel noob which makes calculation a pain in the X , luckily i haev the GC , which doesnt help much but .ohwell.. the point is , i rather use this time ( which is about like 12 hours a week in total i guess? TO DO other stuff!! LIKE STUDY THE SUBJECT FOR INSTANCE! AND NOT LIKE WORKING ON A NEW TOPIC IN THE REPORT) rahH!!!!

haha,, : ( well i really htink that the CHEMDEPT should CONSIDER GIVING US LESS LABWORK SO THAT WE CAN USE THE TIME TO STUDY AND HAVEE A GOOD GRASP OF THE IMPORTANT CONCEPTS TO LEARN ,, do oyu know how heavy a contennt the textbook can have? HAHA! T_T! i dno if they think we are superhuman or what, i seriously dont know how those who have gone before me have done it,
haha

enough typing, this time and resource should go to the lab report writing
-0-............

ssiganiubsuhhhhhhhhh

2010-10-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

dear blog,
i am weak, and i not afraid to admit it,
its been hard, cos recently i guess i kinda over exposed a weakness that i had, and, um, iguess to some extent it makes me so vulnerable, at the same time, it can really strengthen something, like a friendsihp for instance,

its so scary sometimes, you never know whom you trust your entire, feelings and everything love is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to . i kinda totally agree with this statement right now, love does not mean just BGR or what not, it could just mean FRIENDS in general, and yeh i guess i really love my friends, haha

i guess i myself do not know what i can offer people in a friendship, i cam be kinda boring sometimes, haha but i dno, i guess only my friends can answer that, haha

well , no matter how badly one is being treated we must rememebr that we are all precious in God's eyes, and that we should not be undervalued. or discount ourselves from the best.
haha

aynway
good day.
gotta finish my assignments and
having this feelign of repulse out of my body just feels WAY better
and seiously perhaps like last week was the lowest i ever felt in my life, haha
good grief. haha

ok
i rather be angry than REALLY broken

thank you God.
thank you
i pray for your peace that surpasses all understanding
i pray for your wisdom to do the right things, and to handle the things in my life,
i pray for your love that fills me ,teach me how to Love
thank you for forgiving me, and that i forgive others,
God give me more opportunities to love. teach me to love others just how you love me,
God i have the faith that, my prayers were answered and that nothing can take it away from me. and i know that You are a father who loves us and not a kill joy as what we may think with our small perspectives.
Help me draw strength from you each day.
i pray oto hear from you everday God. give me ears like samuel that i may hear You.

in Jesus name i pray
Amen

2010-10-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

HI BLOG
i am kinda stuck on my geology report,
-0- i spent the past TWO DAYS trying to dig out info on a COMMON COMMODITY apparently. and um the info is not so common on the WEB.

so um yeah i did get into a kinda rough patch with a good friend of mine and i cried quite badly the past two days and seriously i really thought i would lose my good friend. but friends who tide though bad times and friction stay together. yeah which has proven itself positive ( with stef haha)....

hugs and people make things better really,. sometimes we expect the very person who hurt us to be able to heal us,, but today, at church, pastor spoke about forgiveness. i was so tired that i almost fell asleep in service and my heart was aching so badly that i kept stef;s hand over my heart. haha kinda like an external band aid for an internal wound.

pastor mentioned something about this

just imagine this

the person who hurt you one day, just come to your house. and then apologises for every hurt that they have caused you and everything and want to make it up to you. But do you think that they can really make up for the thigns they put you through? tears you shed, the graduations that they missed, the wedding dinner that they didnt go, the abuse they put you through?...
nope.

.
there are 3 steps in which we can get over a hurt
1) identify whom you are angry with
2) determine WHAT they owe you. What did they steal from you? you;ve got to know what the debt is. What was taken from you?
3) decide to CANCEL the debt..
i forgive _________ and from now you;ve got to get rid of it .

though i was hurting hours ago, saying this prayer ,, i was still partially hurt.

haha i think i irritated dozens with it though. i was heart broken seriously.

i guess dealing with the pain would take sometime.
haha

but i am glad that God had interceeded for me , and that He rellyy gave me what i prayed for last year.

Thank God.
im also so thankful for my church mates, who tell me that they are there with me always.

haha i keep saying this, that i;d rather have external wounds which one can see and try to do somethign about it, than an internal wound which no one can see and that you can't really do anyhtingabout it. but i guess the only person who has access to that internal wound, would be Jesus,

sometimes people dont see the worth of a crushed up bill. butab its still valuable. we shouldn't let one person;s actions towards us determine our value. We are valuable and loved and Jesus loves us enough to Die for us.

what a week.
chionging starts later.i better sleep first. haha

bye~

2010-10-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

i dont need anything

i just need a
you will be ok,
that is all

why cant people compromise for me /
AHHA COS I CNAT Expect them to be the same as i would be for them

2010-10-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

dear blog
i really want to cry,
i really really want to cry,
but no i cannot
i must suck those tears back all the way back in
i feel so so so so sad,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

i cannot believe that my close friend would choose to HURT me like that,i can just deny and say that no i am not hurt but yup
God please take this aching heart away,
ya, ok anyway i better do my stuff
i have 6 assignments due next week,
: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

2010-10-14T06:13:00.001-07:00

dear blog
i am so sad
i let people close into my lfie and they
chose to hurt me ,
haha

maybe i am being too oversensitive

2010-10-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

hi blog. so um
today went past really quickly?
i woke up about noon and realised that, um
time was running out
exhausted the time on physical chemistry, not too productive though

now i am up, late, i am going to get started on my report due friday! HAHAA oh dear

: (
i am so sad i really want to rest.

2010-10-12T11:04:00.001-07:00

severely,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

my mid terms just finished,
butstill have more assignments to come,
there is much to be done, by tomorrow.

i have many date dues
1)by this week i ahve to be doen with an organic report
2) finish a webcast
3) study 2 organic chapters and do the tutorial tomorrow.
4) read up inorg chapt 1-6
5) do the MC assignment for inorg

by next week i have an inorg report, and essay and an geology report due.
means that htisweekend, i have to
1) finsih my essay, ( due, i dno but lets say its monday) and ihav no idea what to write about.
2) do my geology report( due tuesday)
3) do an inorg report ( due wednesday)
4) read up chapter 11-14 for phy chem
5) first phy chem report to be handed up

not to mention that i still have no inspiration for my music piece
i just eralised that that means TONNES of things tobe done
HAHA dear lord i just realised that there are a lot of things to be done : (
and not to mention ah my morale may be pretty low by thursday cos i will get back me test papers:
have i mentioned that i hae not been doing to well/
guai girls can also do badly. haha

but its ok
becuase this is not the final exam and i will definitely excel.

GOGOGOGO KK : )
its okkkkkkkkk

2010-10-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

T0T!!!!
I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP TOMORROW :)
HAHAHAH
happy ~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
kuai dian
i dont wanna be careless
actaully i realised that i hav to do damn well for this module cos its not SUABLE hahah which of course i dont intend to SU ahha

ok : )
byebye

2010-10-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

hello,

can i tell you how much i cANNot wait for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have my last aLMOST last mid term tomrorow
which has been extremely excruciating cos ive been at it and studying for everything like for the past MONTH,.

: )))))))))))))))) HAPPY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sosos happy
hahaa

it stinks not to be good at something you love to do.
haha

but its ok : ) haha
anyway i cannto wait please congratulate me at 12 pm tomrrow i swear i will hug almost everyone i see hahhaha
and then its off HOME to um
rest and then
finis 5 assignments which i have.,
busyb usbyusbuusbusbyusbuys :)

God bless! :)

2010-10-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

hi blog
my sistesr just went home

im really sad,
blog, i hav no friends
friends often break my heart
at the same time
i smoetimes do want people close into my lfie but i dont really want them to be either,

strange right , dno ,h
aha

now ib etter go read my notes or die badly tomorrow
haha

btyebye:)

2010-10-07T01:41:00.000-07:00

dear blog
i hate social networks
i hate how
people
hurt my feelings by blasting at me by using a general statement and shoot me
why cant they just tell me

even though i have apologised
even though everything
even though
but its ok

ic anntot expect everyone to be SEnsitive,
people are so insensitive sometimes

and i dont feel bad
i dont feel bad and i dont want them to feel that way.
but it makes you feel @ that they feel that way.

yep

so much for that
bye!

2010-10-05T04:23:00.000-07:00

dear blog,
im so tired, but everyday i have to force myself to wake up ,
i feel liek a hollow shell,
haha

sleep count? haha i slept at 5 and woke up at 730 today,
haha

aiyo, i still have tonnes to do,, and : ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

my unhappiness count is really REALLY high
and there is much to be done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dno why sometimes i am so @#@.
esp taking this module, i feel that the use of elementary math is strangely tough,
i just can't think like how a normal mind SHOULD and WOULD.

: (

in everything i do i would ahve to spend twice the effort and time and everytihng

nope trying tominimize that now
: (

i really just
want
to
sleep and not worry :( !!!

i am a guai girl what
i dont skip school
i dont sleep during lectuer
i take down notes, lots of notes, basically everything that poroceeds out of ther mouth,
yet i don't understand!

i read it repeatedly and : (

T_T
God its so hard to understand
helo me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : (

i want to cry already lah

2010-10-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

hi blog
haha chiong week has started and i have 2 lab reports at hand and 1 test that is coming up.
i recently started drinking the usual hazelnutcoffee drink. it is an indulgence, and yet cos i have not had coffee in my system for ages, having to drink coffee now is extremely effective and haha i have only had 4 hours of sleep today <3 haha

yeh and i am suprisingly awake and have not yawned since then! : ) HAHA~
happy~

but anyway i think its taking a toll on my health, my appetite has not been too good, and i have been quite moody! : (

oh i just want this week to be overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr : (

so deperessing,

2010-09-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

i guess i am just, expecting too much of myself.
but sometimes if you dont push your limits you will never know

no doubt and i do not deny it
that i am pretty mundane,
school ,home then sleep.
saturday;s church, and sunday its family,
and pretty much i am alone every day,

don't have to mention about my LACK of social life.

am i a good girl?
yes i am, haha
but somehow i am still like some kind of small whiny kid,
which i realised myself slipping into nowadays, i dont know why
and its annoying, like X 10000 becuase i am already OLD and i should just shut up and deal with things

HAHA yeh i do deal with things, but with the whining too of course
gotta stop that, yep
haha

do you know why i whine?
well sometimes when we have a limitation , we could look at it and blame ourselves for it , a weakness so to say,

and for myself i wont deny saying that i keep telling myself that I AM REALLY SLOWwwwwwww slow slow slow, or that i keep having to work twice as hard as other people ,o r spend like almost twice the amount of time to get the same thing as other people.

but sometimes i forget to embrace my flaws and just move on frmo there, you know what i mean? somtimes forgetting that its a flaw and working around it makes it so much mrore bearable, and iekep forgetting that, instead i repeatedly tell myself that i have these flaws , , haha

this is the time i tell myeslf to shut up and just move on,
haha

they say that people normally lack love and social and oging to church does meet those needs ( fellowshipping with fellow members) .yeh i do feel like that sometimes cos i am almost like ALONE every single day.

i even stopped my piano classes
i don't give tuition
i don't really visit my dad every week
i don't really watch tv.
i only study when i need to,
i do my homework* try *
i go to church
sometimes i skip live group.
i don't even know how to drive
i don;t go out with my friends

so even though my activities are alsmot just ,EVERYTHING within my necessities, then why is it that i feel like time is running out all the time?
perhaps its cos i am so alone all the time,
or that i am spending my time alone that every time i have is ME time all the time,

yep i guess one of my greatest fears is to be old and lonely,
it is quite a disturbingn feeling

yet everyday somehow i feel that i am drawing closer to that kind of future
YEt i speak life into it .

haha recognizing this, i have decided to make the following amendments
1) Be nice and PRESENT to everyone around me ( keep having to remind myself this )
2) Not to make derogatory remarks about myself and not whine
3) study hard and not to take afternoon naps so often Haha......

with change comes prayer! :)

shuT up and start doing.

2010-09-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

i study hard blog,
i do study hard.

just that sometimes i am lazy.
and just that i enjoy sleep
and when i work hard sometimes i dont know if i worked hard enough,

God bring me out of this ,

2010-09-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

wei wei bu yao pa.

haha im partially surprised at my lack of calmness before exams,
and more so surprised that i have lasted TILL mid university. HAHA

ohman, haha
in year one your JC stuff could carry you through ,
but now , its all based on the uni1 stuff which you;d prolly forgotten over the summer! haha,
wow, and thats like, haha

and to add on, i am SLOW,
damn right i am, haha
but its ok ,

i;m just trying my best ok,
time is flying past too quickly
before i know it its daybreak,
and its dark, then its dark again
everyday i feel like i wake up to meet the ending time,
its a strange feelign of anxiety
next week is going to be xiong

tmr my test is gonna be at 12
wish me all the best,
haha im done by like 2. and then, yeh : )

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD i REALLY WANT TO DO WELL

this xin li zhang ai must be removed! i can do it
i studied and i did whatever i can alr. so
just do wahtever ican!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-28T05:31:00.000-07:00

dear blog
i think one of the best few things to ever exist is SLEEP<3
not that i am making small of every other complex organism or thing that has been created by God,
im not comparing to things like that

maybe comparing , would be comparing the things that i love to do,
yeh sleep definitely trumps all.
haha

sleeping allows me to go into this escapism mode, whereby
yes my bodily systems need REST so that i can continue,
sigh

ive not been able to REST well for the past few days
sigh

yes just let me dream about
i dont know, haha
sleep~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3

2010-09-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

hi blog
good mornign
im a awake now not because i studied till early morning
but cos i slept and woke up just to study,
haha
time flies, seriously

oh man before i know it i am back from school and back to this bloody textbook

: (

school is in 2 hours time
and um ,
yup i;ll be done by 10 am and prolly back in about 6 hours,
fast huh
hahaa
then ic an sleep <3: )

2010-09-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

Oh God
teach me ,
show me
and tell me

me me me ,
am i being self centered?
yes. perhaps yes pertaining to this matter.

Go on kaiqi,
dont stress out
just Do your best and whatever you can do.
: )
i;m sure you can
becuase you;ve also done it
and im sure you won't disappoint,
you;ve never disappointed at the very end
ending well and always impressive.
thats the way you;ve always finished

use it to turn it around.
turn it all around.

2010-09-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

i am jealous, because i cannot do the things i want,
neither do i have the things i want.
but we must not be jealous.

dear blog, it is just me,
it is me to want something, always and work doubly hard to get something, ..

dear blog ,it is me to work hard for something i want so badly.

Dear blog it is me ,

dear blog, haha i wish to be someone else but i cannot,

we are made perfectly just the way we are

oh,,,,,,,
for every childhood dream is to be dashed.

haha,
anyway
the end of recess week is here

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i find it soooooo super hard

sigh,

its ok
what to do?
i dont know hwo to think positive about it?

i just keep thinking

aiya stuck le just do it and get it over and done with lo .

how else to think positive? tell me

2010-09-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

oh man talk about hopes and dreams again

that your talents do not tally with the type of dreams that you have
thats too sad : (

hahaha!!

but its alright, haha
: (
chemistry.. uh not really my passion! HAHAHAHA
my hope and dreams, totally, NOT like that ! HAHA

sigh,what do i want?
let me dream about it , i will get back to you

just no dog eat dog world for me
no profit making decisions all the time for me
no big bucks and what not
just God glorifying
just live changing,
and live impacting
things

i will go dream about it

God i will learn how to hear from You and i am not going to give up!!!!!!!!!!
i cannot believ ethat other peopekl can and i cannot,
: )

GOGOGO haha

tuning in
i will be able to
i know it !

2010-09-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

i;m a little bit jaded i guess,

complaints aside,

just a little bit disappointed i dont know why

: (

i still have tonnes to study but why am i dragging myself past every flippin page. : (

its a lot of stuff.

: (
im so sad
but it doesnt matter anyway
sad people still need to study
sad peopel still need to eat
sad people sitll need to pray
sad people still need to talk

sigh
sad people still have exams next week, regardless.

: (

2010-09-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

dear Lord,
do you see how desperate i am?

why can't i still hear you o God.
Why ?
if not, how can i ? or what should i do o lord,
God, how am i supposed to know what you say about someting when i can;t even hear from You,.
how would i konw what to work on if You dont tell me anything

God is it me, or is it you, or is it really just me ,
God i don't see how i am not trying my best,
God, i don't know what,,

Lord if i am dear open up my ears
if i am blind open up my eyes
if my heart is numb please let it be alive again,

God how do i keep it alive,
when i've prayed the same prayer every year and every day
but God, what am i suppose to change in this ?
if we don't change the way we do things we would definitely not see any change
yet , what portion must i change only you can tell me ,

God i am trying my bestest,
do You see it ?

if i really took a bet, yeah i think i am willing and i dont think i made a wrong choice. If i gain, i gain it all, if i lose, i lose nothing.

2010-09-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

people who you can let close to your life,
though you dont wish for the social norms to occur,
they do, thats the sad reality
and you dont esxpect people tohave the same kind of thinking as you
the one swho cna throw away all perceptions of a norm and just embrace the things they truly think and believe.

though i klearnt to let people close into my life,
i believe sometimes i make badd cfhoices which is why i keep the same few close friends,
yup, though i opened the possibility that you could have more friends who can share the heart with you, but ,,
haha, often more than not, thy can break your heart,
though they have this ability to mend it, they dont
and that shatters my heart so often haha

but its ok

cos i learn, every step at a time,
does not mean that i exclude everyone from myy lfie,
it just means that i have to pick wisely whom u let close into your life.

So i turned 20 today,
perhaps its not as exciting anymore, haha
but actually though i do behave like i am excited about things,
the novelty of birthdays have already ceased,, and for about many years i learn not to expect much anymore, haha

the less you expect, the more you;d be delighted with the simplest bit and simplest of all suprise or nice action.

yeah but today is no exception,
sometimes when people make you feel special and you feel undeserving u will just shy in one corner but you feel loved.

well, no maybe not for me cos sometimes we feel undervalued, or not worthy to be worthed.
haha

today a depressing thought struck me and i was totally like, expressionless,

sometimes just maybe the way i am ,
a social being,
haha just the same kind of sensitivity that i have towards other people
and that is upsetting, haha
on one hand hyou could blame me for being oversensitive...
haha
!! but its okkkkkkkk

Love until therei s none left to give
how do you keep loving without having love being added back to you
haha

my family sang a birthday song for me in te car park cos i was : ( that they didn;t sing loudly in the restaurant, HAHA
but thats hte family, and that is social etiquette HAHAHAHA

sigh,
everything to be loved the way it is ,
haha

i wish everyone happy! : )

love<3

2010-09-15T04:53:00.000-07:00

do you think you can talk to me for a while
do you think you can try to make me smile
do you think you can give me a hug

i wish anyone would
maybe i am expecting somehting out of other people.
would i meet another me like me hee
i wish so haha
i would make me smile no matter how hard it would be,

no oen can do the same for me ,
and its quite disappointing,
but not cos they dont,
but its because they fail to recognize the feelings i have,
anything negative, always brushed aside like that

even if i were gone it wouldn;t matter to them
not that i owuld not like to speak life to myself
just yes,,,,,,, i wish i were more important
heeeee but how do you make yourself more important to other peoplE?
no, its hard ,becuase you dont have somethign to offer someone else.
or perhasp its just that the thingsi have ot offer do not fall into their cup of tea.......

: (
but its ok

ITS OK
becuase i dont have to depend on other peopel to amek me happy
when the centre of all things,
the reason for many things are simply
people people PEOPLE.

and though they may disappoint
but nevermind
beccause i dont have to depend on people to makem e happy

haha i am gonna bathe now and let all my SADNESS just rush down the drain :) haha

2010-09-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

study!!!!!!

2010-09-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

a part of me wants people to treat me seriously

and another part of me wants to make people smile and laugh

hee, its hard to accomplish both especially when u want to make a straight point without sounding too strict... and on the other hand people just laugh at me and say i am naggy..

wtv, so long i make my stand i dont care how others think of me .

oh yes, so i have been thinking of SEP and what not ,

but , its a hard choice becuase i was thinking if i go it;ll def be next sem or year 3 sem 2 ..becusae

in year 3 sem 1 i def want to take the forensic science module ( WHICH IS ONLY AVAILABLE SEM 1) -_- ..................

i think its quite ludicrous becuase i didnt get it this year, and having this limitation ,the only time i would be able to take this is year 3 sem 1, which means that the only times i have left to go for SEP would be year 2 sem 2 or year 3 sem 2 .. .and, having to be able to map chemistry modules? i dont know if it be good to do them overseas cos it may screw up my foundation if itsnot done well.. hee

but on theo ther hand i could choose to do a summer programme : )and at least gto on a lighter note 1 ) not to clear cOre modules. 2 ) to have fun too

yes have i not mentioned that i always imagined to study overseas, never in my life have i thought that i;d be in a local uni studying what not this that, i awlays thought htere were no courses in uni that could really suit my interest ,, and now that i kinda, PSEUDO/forced some kind of interest in myself that i landed myself in this course . too late for regrets now.

but it does not mean never will i be able to go overseas, just means that i could either do further education else where, or that i could just do a summer prog. haaa i think that is the only way to do it, if i were to really take a Fsc minor,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and i better get it next sem.

oh well , i now have succumbed to the fact that YES i am in this course and i am to stick through with it.... sigh the past year i ve been through school thinking of switcihng courses ALL THE TIME........................ thinking if i dont do well or what not i can still change, ane evne though i study the behavior of all these electrons,,,,,,,, it will come to naught if i change course. But now that i have succumbed to this, to the fact that i am in this, there is no turning back, perhaps onloy being able to consider the deviation of paths in the farther future, that i can only now start to pick up my pen and really study............ study study..... and to take my work seriously..

What is God;s plan seriously man

soemtimes i really feel like i need some kind of INstruction manual.

no doubt i am sure i will do my best in everything!!!!

i just need clear indication.

arg.

see, sometimes we are always just trapped in circles.

some trapped in a circle of unforgiveness bitterness, regret, remorse, pity,

for me, i am trapped in this , what is my purpose phase.

terrible

becuase i have no interest

it makes it hard for me to make decisions

now that i come to this point , i realise that its wrong,

but am i not a bit too old?

haha

tiem for a change........

dont care about what others think!

2010-09-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

envy HAHA

not !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to each its own

i always believe

2010-09-06T04:54:00.000-07:00

wouldn;t it be nice if someone came up to you and told you about something they observed about you, and that you;pve never noticed.

something like a hidden kind of beauty, talent or just something so subtle that was only noticeable tothat one observant eye

makes it so special becuse you have made a slight impression on that person haha

or that people told you something good about you without you showing it .

yes and i do need applause to live

hahah its nice to be complimented once in a while.

i do not deny

haha

its ok if you;re not noticed

only one person sees it

and it is He who i am more interested in impressing.

2010-08-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

정말 기분이 이상해요.......

울고싶어,,,

죽고싶어 ( 조금. )

학교생화를 너무 심심해요.

매일 공부 공부고부해요.

하하,.,,

난 바보같다 ,.

진짜 힘들어,,,

구해줘요. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

아!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Dear lord,

becuase you can see my desperation,

you can totally see this train of thought of mine, which is going everywhere,

unorganized and i;m partially unsetteled.

i thought i have put all these things aside and not looked for other things

but i still keep looking for alternatives.

i still don't know what i am doing,

would you then tell me what i should do?

There are so many things, which i had imagined and yet it looks like they may not come to past .

i don;t know what to do,

i dont like it here,

not really, so to say. haha

maybe becuase i don;t know where else i should be going

i dont know if i am feeling peace because i made the right choice

or that becuase i am totally in my own comfort zone,

something i know that i will definitely survive doing.

beyond that, i cannot see, but for now it feels ok.

haha,

i just know that i am - -- - like that.

Guide me in my ways O Lord.

amen

2010-08-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

so,

its been an eventful few weeks of school

even though just a few lectures. 20+ lectures, i;ve learnt. a lot . quite a lot. haha

well im a tough strong girl and nothing can make me anything less than that.

2010-08-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

so, its been the fourth day of school.

um, kinda alright, the modules seem pretty ok ,

haha

annoying cos i kinda forgot the important things which i took so much time to understand last semester, but its all fine i am quite sure that i can remmeber them if i took up the notes and read them like i was going to die again.

have i told you how depressing it is

suddenly when i delve deep into these things i can;t seem to find my way out of it ,

is it me or what

that the things you like, does not seem to coincide with the talents you have,

simply put it, you dont have teh talent for the things you like,

i dont know what is the reason for this ,

but its kinda frustrating,

perhaps this is when u are supposed to place youreslf in a place of trust and believe,

but

i think its highly unprobable.

sigh, seems liek all the questions i have, have such vague answers

yet i am still searching high and low for them

argh i dno man

haha,,

still on the search

one day if you do ask me questions

i hope i can answer you

2010-08-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

God please bring me out of this situation.

i;ve come to a point whereby,

someitmes i am so busy lookin out for why i have a reason to be disapponted with them

perhaps its becuase i do think this way, thats why i feel like that,''

or its that, becuase they really do think this way,

my firends are selfish no doubt,

but its ok

i am still trying to understand this phenomenon.

how does everyone becoem so self sacrificing for someone like That?

i still cannot understand

and i cannot undrstand why these people were placed in my life.

Everything happens for a reason,

i must be blind, i still cannot undersand the reason for these things,

soon, soon i will understand